It’s been ten months since my breakup, and there are still moments where I feel extremely emotional. Bouts of sorrow and missing have passed, but it feels as if the sadness has morphed into another feeling: anger. I’d like to think that anger is the last stage of mourning, before fully healing. However, I think that the anger reveals something deeper about myself that I have to face.
I am angry that I gave my heart to someone who chose to recklessly break it into pieces. I am angry that things ended so badly and tumultuously, that all the good that once existed between us has turned into memories of betrayal and pain. I am angry that I didn’t set clearer boundaries, made excuses when things didn’t feel right, and that I allowed myself to get so hurt. I am angry that I chose “wrong”.
I have realized that in my resentment, I’ve projected this anger. And in that realization, I understand that it’s not him that I’m really angry at, it is myself. I blame myself. I question how much of the life I had was real versus a story of the person I thought I was with. And in my reaction to dehumanize the object of my anger, I have forgotten compassion. Compassion for him, and compassion for myself.
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this emotional phase. Being hard on myself has been a habit I’ve adopted since being a young girl, and remembering to be gentle and kind to myself does not come easy. The solutions oriented side of me has exhausted almost every possible activity to try to heal. From reiki, to therapy, I think I’ve tried pretty much everything short of hypnotism and witchcraft.
I usually end my blogs with some positive and hopeful message. But this time, I don’t have one. I’m still trying to figure it out, and sometimes, it feels like an overwhelming mess. I guess all I can do is try to lean in to my emotions when I feel them, and in my reactions of anger and pain, try my hardest to switch my thoughts to ones of compassion. I won’t win every time, and I’ve probably failed at this more than I have succeeded, but hopefully with more practice it will eventually become easier.
♥
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Photo credit: Jack Fussell
5 Don’ts I Would Tell My Younger Self
I agree with every single word of your’s. I totally am in this situation. I would run to the corner of the room and cry,scream, become aggressive; it never helped in anyway.
I finally, found something which i think was the key to ease my sorrows and pain “FRIENDS”.
It may not apply to everyone but i found myself feeling much better around few of my really good friends. This healing moments were priceless and money can’t buy.
Now i have develop a don’t care attitude, i would try to speak up or say what i don’t appreciate few times and then when i see or observe there isn’t any action or situation remains the same i would become silent, ignore and move forward. I do what i like; makes my heart feel peaceful and calm, i don’t care what the other person think. It’s because i tried and i did with my whole heart and what did i get in return? Nothing. We can’t change people to suit our needs. So, we change the way we think and move on.You do not need to HURT others to gain attention or be HURT to be understood.
Sometimes, i wish people would listen more than judge.
Your blog is very helpful. Thank you for sharing you thoughts, ideas and experience.
I am in this stage now… blaming myself and overflowed with anger and hatred after the last relationship. I know I’m being too hard on myself and I shouldn’t, but it has been a habit since long time ago. I don’t know what should I do to let go all these things, I guess I need help. Thank you for sharing your stories.
Well I totally agree with your article, it is so hard to say and think rational,when you are going through this phase,even though for myself I was the one who broke if off I had my number change,not for the sake of not wanting to be bother but more to lethe my ex think I really didn’t care as much as he may have thought I really felt for him and yes I was tired as HELL for being Cheated on LIED to 700x a day and the whole Toxic waste of a togetherness we had,cause it wasn’t never what I look back on as an relationship,yet I stayed & but all while staying I never forgave I guess it was the thing I call love, I still care a lot but I’m so freaking angry and frustrated that I still care after all I seen and know,I do and don’t want to stop having the feeling for him,but ultimately I have to either press on through these difficulties or reach out back to him, and if he does love me like he profesees then in mind I’m knowing he is saying yeah she loves me unconditional after all the cheating &lying I got her Hook, we’ll the more I air it out, naw I think I will try my damnest to press through it time will heal I just WISH it would expedite the process.
I can relate to everyone, after being in a relationship for 23yrs, The person that I sacrificed myself to do everything for left me for someone else.. its been over a year and some day i’m just fabulous and some days I am just soooo angry at myself and the world.. I am even more hurt that his life seems to be going great and I can’t seem to get past my feelings, I am just angry that I didn’t see it coming and so continue to blame myself for being a failure as a woman.. I just want to heal already and move on with my life .