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Beginnings, Best Of

The 11 Differences Between Dating a Boy vs a Man

Do you know the difference between dating a boy versus dating a man? If not, read up!

Written by Amy C · 3 min read >
The 11 Differences Between Dating a Boy vs a Man - Heart Hackers Club - boy vs a man - menswear

When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.

“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.”  – Psychology Today

So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.

But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.

I learned to love myself.  I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.

A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.

If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.

  1. A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
  2. A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion.  A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
  3. A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
  4. A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
  5. A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
  6. A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
  7. A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
  8. A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
  9. A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
  10. A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.

Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:

11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.

*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.

Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta

To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.

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Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile

833 Replies to “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Boy vs a Man”

  1. Thank you Amy. Again, you are helping me to stand on my two feet and forget those boys who have hurt me. I’ve been waiting for a man for a long time now and I will continue waiting, because boys don’t offer anything to women but painful relationships. Thanks again.

  2. Amy,

    This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I came on your site hoping I would find a past post to give me clarity, and yet here is the perfect one posted just now. Thank you for giving me the encouragement I need to see that boys will be boys, but men are worth waiting for. I hope that your wisdom will help me to be patient and become the woman that will attract the right man.

  3. Truth is, a man with money and status can act however he wants and there will always be a lineup of women to date him.

    Early 20s women set the standard for how men can act, why is it as a woman gets older and unattractive the requirements to “date” her go up? Seems like a losing proposition for a man. Stick to dating younger women and focus on making money, you’ll never be hard up for female attention. 🙂

    1. Hi Jason,

      I don’t necessarily agree and here’s why. A man with money can surely act as he wants, but the type of person he will attract will be the trophy, the superficial girl, etc. A woman who has a strong sense of self worth and knows that there is more to life than money will not tolerate someone who acts like an asshole just because he has money.

      To my point, I think you are talking about “girls”. And yes – these girls are content to be trophies or trade off money over substance. But as a man, those aren’t the ones you want to end up with, are they?

      1. I think you’re slightly missing the point here, Amy. Your blog post was about the difference between men and boys, and you wrote that men look for women while boys look for girls. What Jason did was point out that some men will still go for girls, and regardless of whether or not those girls are the ones they want to “end up with,” that desire doesn’t stop them from being men or having at least some of the men qualities you described above.

  4. Good response to Jason, Amy. Before I read that response, I was going to say that you can say the same thing about girls versus women. In fact, you can substitute “girls” for “boys” and “women” for “men.”

    I really like your inclusion of how people will pick a partner reflecting their worst parent. An eye opener for this 50-year old!

    Keep us informed with your great insight.

  5. Interesting opening. Perhaps, the rest of it was true some time last century, but not so much now. The genders becoming more and more blended. You have metrosexual males who worry about their looks/status and want to be pampered and 6-pack females who are really guys with incomplete package, a bit of boobs and make-up. People never truly learned how to relate, at least before they had defined gender roles, but not any more. Some of the qualifications of the “man” in the article are also qualifiers for a psychopath, those successful, charismatic individuals who got no heart, thus, can offer no compassion, empathy or love, but they can fake it. They are far worse than boys or males. Luckily, no one HAS TO be in a relationship, like no one needs a degree to be smart. You can opt out from this rigged game any time 😉

  6. Great comparisons! This was word for word what it was like from dating my ex to my current boyfriend. Night and freaking day between the two. The funny part is you convince yourself that they will grow out of the boy stage and you will just stick it out because it is just “a stage.” It could be that, but it’s never worth the amount of hurt and selfishness they put you through before becoming the man. Better to find the guy who already has transitioned. I have never been as happy, and the sad part is I thought I was happy before. 🙂

  7. I totally agree. I used to be attracted to “boys”–I was separated from my Dad at age 4 yrs old and was looking for approval in males. I was always attracted to “boys”..those who could never commit etc. I married a “boy” when I was 16 he was 24. He never grew up would never really commit to me even though we were married and had kids, he finally left us to party at age 30.

    I stayed single until I was in my 50’s because all there was out there were “boys”….I think I finally grew up and became a woman and wanted a MAN—–As I got into my 50’s I realized that i was worth more than that–I finally met a real MAN and we are now happily married at ages 59 and 70. He always talks about the future and makes sure that what he does is the proper thing for all involved. He always sees things threw including when we were dating–there was no game playing etc. He is a “man” not a boy and life is good…….ladies there is a lot of truth in this article—believe that you are worthy of a MAN and you will find one.

  8. As always Amy, you’ve provided us with words to live by!!! Thank you for the quick and easy check list!!

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