When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
Heteronormative much? Men can date men too! Maybe you could have just added that in the introduction to meet a broader audience. And it looks like Jess agrees there is some room to broaden up the sex/gender perspectives. But overall good read, thank you.
Very well put.
I once gave a list of head games guys (and girls) use on each other to a younger friend of mine so that she could protect herself. This is that list (and feel free to use it as an expansion on your “play games” number):
Rule #1: Give yourself a rating system. In my family we talk about flags. Green = safe, Yellow = sketchy, Red = danger. It’ll help you keep tabs on how much you need to be “on guard” around people. Of course, some people will be safe and others will be dangerous.
Flag #1: (RED) Their mouth spews perverted stuff or constant swearing. “Out of the heart the mouth speaks.” If you don’t stay away from this type of person, eventually, the words stick and you’ll think about it as if it were your own thoughts.
*If a someone tells even one or two dirty jokes, yellow flag it. If they tell more dirty jokes or laugh about how they “know a dirty joke” about something, they’re trying to get you to think it. Red flag.
Flag #2: (RED) Someone sends you very strong signals of love and hate. If they say bad things about you and also say that they can say it because they care, they’re lying. This is how it works: Right now, if I ask you to do something, maybe you do it, maybe not. So, I give you a chocolate bar (or something good that you like) and before you can eat it, I take it away. I know, it’s mean, but you want that chocolate bar now right? So now I ask you to do something and you do it because you had your hopes up on that chocolate bar. Now switch the chocolate bar for saying kind things, being extra nice, or whatever. They’ll give it to you and take it away, then ask for something before they give it (which many times those people won’t completely give it later anyways. They’ll probably take it back whenever they want something from you.) These people will mess with your heart and mind. Believe that they want to hurt you and you’ll be much less likely to take the bait and fall into their trap.
(Side note: The movie “The Preacher’s Daughter” – She falls into this trap. It’s a bit extreme as time goes on, but you’ll see how it works)
Flag #3 (Yellow): They don’t listen to you talking. This isn’t red because maybe they’re not trying to hurt you. They could just not want to listen or be thinking about something else without meaning you harm. An easy way to check if someone is listening is to ask them to relate. “Has something like that ever happened to you?” “What do you think about it?” If you can’t get anything but short answers like “yeah”, “great”, or “same as you” then they’re probably not listening. If someone ignores you to your face… well it’s not nice. Flag them. Besides, they’re probably not thinking of something worthwhile. (If they’re distracted or can’t hear you, that’s different of course, depending on what’s distracting them.)
Flag #4: (Green – Yellow – Red) They’re trying to storm your castle and break down your defenses.
Green
Barrier 1: “The ice” simple talk breaks this.
Barrier 2: “Touch” More than a handshake, this can be a hand on shoulder, comment on your hair (followed by touching it) or the same for any piece of clothing. (Hugs go here too)
*Some people will take this too far (Barrier 4) A grinding hug (rubbing bodies together in a hug), slapping your bum, these are not the ok kinds of touch.
Yellow
Barrier 3: “Early warning” Distraction breaks this. (This is your flag system by the way) This can be done by giving you too much to think about so that you don’t realize what they’re doing. Pickpockets do this with touch, some people use touch, talking, or both so that you think something is happening, but you’re not sure what is happening. Out of curiosity, you will want to let them continue until you know what’s going on. Be on guard.
Red
Barrier 4: “Sensuality” whispering a secret and their lips touch your ear, or them wiping your mouth (even if it’s dirty), “accidentally” touching places you cover with a swimsuit (not always using hands, could just be their body. If it happens more than once – Flag it) (kissing outside of an official relationship – would go here)
Barrier 5: “On purpose” They do things that you wouldn’t want others to know about. Usually, they’ll make you believe it’s your fault in some way if you say no. This keeps going until you’ve done everything that you planned you wouldn’t do with them.
*If’ they skip a step, they probably think you’re easy. Red flag immediately for having no respect for you.
Flag #5: (Yellow) Mr. or Ms. Trusting has a secret you must keep from your close friends or family forever. Chances that they’re for real are pretty low. They’ll seem real though. This is just a quick way to get closer to you than the people who you’re keeping a secret from. It usually destroys the relationships with the people you’re hiding it from too.
*If the secret is gossip, give it a red flag. There is nothing good about holding gossip close and pushing your close friends and family away because of it.
These are by far the most popular. These methods go both ways: Anyone can do these methods to anyone – I’ve seen guys do these to girls, and I have to protect myself from girls who use these too.
None of these are ok in healthy relationships, so “above all else, guard your heart.” Don’t try to change these people, the longer you’re near them, the more likely their methods are going to work on you. If you want them to change, point out what they’re doing, say you don’t like it, and don’t hang out with them unless they don’t use any tricks.
Some people will try really hard to keep the relationship because of the work they put in to get stuff from you.
If they won’t allow you to cut off the relationship because of the red flags, they’re just trying to break “Barrier 3.” Next on the list is not restoring the relationship, their goal is just the next barriers.
Love is giving and lust wants to get. Anyone who cares about you (love) and not about what they can get from you (lust) won’t use this tricks. There is a whole other list for loving ways to improve a relationship. I can teach you those too, but first you have to be very good at noticing the bad ones.
Enjoy,
Nick
Hi Nick,
First of all, thank you for reading and secondly, that’s quite an well thought-out comment you’ve written. Much appreciated.
I just now came to realize I am actually dating a boy who’s 47 years old while I am 24.
This seems more like a guide to test if douchey frat boys have grown up. These are all good traits to have, but dating shouldn’t be reduced to a checklist. It’s all subjective. Things like this lead to quick judgement and dismissal. Everyone is different. And part of the fun of meeting someone and getting serious with them when you’re younger is growing and maturing together. Guiding women to only look for men who are already mature ruins anything resembling young love.
This is also a good guide for guys on how to act to pick up difficult picky women and then use them.
Agreed!
Love it! The only disagreement I have is with point 2, about having a family. Not everyone wants kids. If there’s a relationship between the wish to reproduce and maturity, it probably goes in the opposite direction… 🙂
Your too judgmental, must go to the moon to look for that kind of guy.. It doesn’t exist on the real world.. Every girl might agree on you but guys are different, because every woman want to date this kind of guy your talking about.. How can a woman, knows about a man?
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “guys” I mean single guys. =)
I’m happy that you’ve matured and learned more about yourself, but from my perspective, no man can do all of those things on your list all of the time. In fact, most men are just as complicated as women and just as full of contradictions when it comes to relationships. Even when some men might live up to some of the things on your list of what separates a man from a boy, a lot of the same men probably fail to live up to some of the other things on your list. For example, there are many highly educated and hard-working men — alpha-male types — who are fully assertive and know what they want in life. The same men are going to be honest about their feelings when they tell you they’re looking for sexy, slender, lady-like women who know how to have fun. The same men spend untold hours in the office but also go out every chance they get, and they aren’t apologizing for it. I could go on pointing out how so many men can fulfill while also contradicting many of the things in your list, but I hope you get the point that the distinctions between a man and a boy isn’t always as clear as we want it to be. I don’t write this to say that your list is wrong — by all means, I hope you find the perfect partner for you — but that it is an oversimplification to put men and boys into two neat categories and subsequently reject anyone who ever contradicts this ideal. Who knows, the boy you meet today may actually turn out to be a real man tomorrow, and the man you meet tonight might actually just be a boy.
My question to women is… are you actually attracted to a man described as such? A relationship without games and a relationship without uncertainty isn’t fun. If the relationship is fun to be in, why does it matter how mature the person is? It is not about the content of the person, but how the person makes you feel. I would rather date a fun chick than a doctor who is bland to talk to.
i agree with the clarity of purpose and vision.
but, in my experience, there’s some–but still limited–causality between those traits and assertiveness (1, 4, 10). many ‘frat boys’ are very assertive but still very much in a ‘boy’ stage of life. then there are many ‘geeks’ who are sincere and genuine, but not very assertive, maybe even shy and hesitant with women.
women who are assertive themselves, and can spot men in that second category, have great options. dating market arbitrage, if you will. this is not the traditional gender role, but tradition is overrated anyway.