When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
So basically, if a man needs all those 11 items, you are gonna be talking about 1% of the population of men in the world.
You are generalizing men towards a single specific set of characteristics that you, yourself, pursue in them.
Comments regarding the points:
1 – A man can be happy with mediocrity, some people are only happy when they reach for the sky, others are happy when they have a routine. Also not all men are assertive, you said it yourself, you had problems with self worth and confidence, so do men. It does not make you any less of a men for having them.
2 – Why would a man always plan to have a family of his own? That is the same stereotypical nonsense as women always being housewives and not working. A man can be perfectly happy without raising a family other them himself and his partner.
3 – Aside from generalizing the personality of all women that a man wants, I have no problem with this one.
4 – Some women are not easy to talk to, or do not open up easily, so how can you know if she is a good woman and not a girl herself trying to play hard to get? You cannot know who a person is without investing time and getting to know them.
5 – It doesn’t take courage to have a conversation, no matter how unpleasant it is, but I have no problem with this one as well.
6 – No objections here.
7 – Again with the generalization that to be a man you need to reach as high as you can and always be busy and on the go. Also a man does not necessarily need to be sociable, he may be, or he might just stand in the corner and listen to what other people have to say and only talking when he feels like he needs to. There are different types of personalities, and generalizing saying that only 1 of them can be called a man, is just plain wrong.
8 – Nothing to say here.
9 – Good Luck finding a man with “integrity” in todays age. That word and its meaning will soon belong to history and/or mythology.
10 – Except maybe board and video games 😛
I also agree with some of Emery’s points, and Suzzane, just because sex sells and magazines try to make money out of it does not mean that the stereotype of men and women needs to be perpetuated any further with articles such as this.
This is a good post.
I think one thing that bears mentioning is that we’re all growing up, and so not all males are going to be fully in either stage. For example, I feel I feet a lot of the “man” qualities, but I’m still sorting out my career, not quite sure what I want there, and don’t sacrifice weekends to work towards any specific career goals. Does that make me a boy, or a man with a few things to learn?
Interesting observations. I do have to disagree to some extent with #6. Any smart, responsible boy or man should be testing before jumping in with both feet to invest whatever it takes into a woman. Both men and women have had their fair share of disappointments, so it’s only the fair and the rational thing to take it slowly at first before you think that the other person is worth unlimited effort and attention.
thank you for this info….I was widowed after a 31 year marriage to the love of my life a man just as you describe.my late husband was a true man.4 years ago I thought I would start dating again and I got a very big shock on how these so called men over 50 act like horny teenager’s with no clue on how a true love relationship is.I have been blaming myself and my self esteem went to the lowest point in my life.this blog gave me back my integrity and self worth.I will stay single if I cannot find a loving person like myself.the dating sites are full of these “boys” you describe and all this time I thought there was something wrong with me.
Norma, I agree with you and have almost the exact same experience. I was married 16 years and was in that relationship for 19 years total. I waited 4 years to date. I thought older men would be gentlemanly and would have old fashioned values. Instead I find they are more gifted at game playing (the kind word for lying and manipulative). Is there a man who has honor? Whose words are actual true? In this day and age if a man is just looking for physicality there are plenty of sites that make that available. No reason to be a player/liar. It is pathetic and sad. There is no honor in this behavior and it is low. Women should expect to be treated with respect. Choose kindness and compassion and it will be returned to you. Eventually, these men will find themselves old and alone and they have only themselves to blame. Word gets around.
I disagree with practicalh on #6, and heartily agree with the OP. Courage is in taking right action, regardless of the possibility of failure.
I wrote a post similar in context to this one quite some time ago. Some of it is a little tongue in cheek, but overall, I think it is a pretty good list as well. I linked to it above…
Great read! Answering these questions for readers, or pointing them in the direction to getting them answered would be a plus:
1) If one discovers one is merely a boy when one should be a man, what steps can be taken to mature?
2) What steps can the woman who is attracted to boys take to cultivate a desire for men?
3) What are the long-term consequences of being a boy, being attracted to boys?
4) Why does the author believe one is better than the other, and if not, is the piece only to delineate the differences?
A very interesting article, and one I cannot disagree with. I think it’s very hard to ever be just one or the other though. I think there is a little boy in every man, and a man in every boy. At 25 I still find my self struggling to understand which one has the majority share of my mind. I would say I am a man who is choosing to be a boy. I was in a serious relationship, knew what I wanted, and planned thoroughly, but the little boy in me suddenly woke up and told me it was too soon to be a man. I didn’t turn into a boy, but I still listened. I didn’t play games to try and get dumped. I simply told her the truth and explained our future was compromised because there was a chance we wanted different things. I think every man needs to be a boy to be able to be the best man he can be. For now I’m choosing to be a boy, living life casually, still planning my future, but without dragging a woman along only to hurt her a few years down the line. Maybe that’s the difference between a boy and a man, learning to sacrifice what we want for those we care about. After all, a boy wants all the toys, a man learns how to live without them.
Varinia Varinia !!!
A girl idealizes the idea of what a “man” really is, hoping to find the prince that posseses these kind of qualities.
A woman understands that no man is free from insecurities and immatureness (described in this post), and will accept the inperfect human being she has in front of her or face dissapointment as a girl