When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
While I do define the terms man and boy in much the same way you do here, and applaud you for pointing these things out, I think these sweeping definitions do contain an inherent lack of empathy for those riddled with clinical anxiety. A few of the smartest, most loving, most dependable men I know constantly second guess themselves because they suffer from clinical anxiety and OCD in their thought processes. It’s illness, and they’re still wonderful men and they still deserve love, even if they need to be called out or talked down from a ledge sometimes. Like I said, when I say I want a man, I define that term the same way you do here (although this piece is completely dismissive of gay or bisexual men/boys as men/boys, I’m able to glean how this would apply to me because…sadly, I’m used to having to do so). I just don’t think it’s quite as black and white as you paint it here, and I think that’s worth considering before writing off a good man who is struggling with forces outside of their control.
To all the ladies..
imagine a male you well know really well!. it can be your school-mate, your cousin, or even your own son.
It doesn’t matter how old the boy is… even when he is 62; they’re much more interesting! they act younger and not only that.. they want somebody who is a bit-crazy but a ‘woman’.
Now i fully understand why older man are very intimidated by younger women.. because they’re so confident, if they do not like something, they certainly do not jump into a conclusion and slam the door.. however they are very direct and humble. *wink*
No matter what, STAY SEXY…LOVE YOURSELF…STAY ACTIVE.
don’t ever think for a second you know yourself completely…
…exactly how young-heartly people at any age feel
Please play the game, Play with life’s choices.
It’s an interesting read. I think the writer falls into generalizing the overall spectrum of what is considered a man, or more specifically an adult. This is less the difference between “man and boy” and more-so a laundry list of good qualities an individual should retain.
It’s a great list, but sweeping combinations of (though positive) assumptions dashed in with generic negative connotations seen in men lead it to lose the core subject addressed, how to be a better guy.
There are men who are in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who exhibit destructive and/or silly behavior. They are still men, just less responsible individuals.
The name of the article should’ve been “The 11 Differences Between Dating An Irresponsible Man VS The Ideal Man.”
Wow. Just read this. It basically just punched me in the face. I’ve pretty much failed being a man to my wife and I know it because just how spot on this is and the issues we’ve been having. I feel like a complete jerk. And no. This isn’t a joke. I found this by accident, printing it and putting it in my desk as a quiet reminder of things that need to change.
Thanks for posting it.
you are well on your way to being the man your wife needs because you have acknowledged your faults. I commend you! Good luck to you and your wife!
And that, sir, is what makes you a man. Now go forth and become a man your wife deserves (if she is indeed a woman to deserve it)!
Tony, your wife is a lucky woman now. Keep it going, my dude.
Growth and willingness to be better. thats what its all about
I fully agree with this list, but also want to add that the same thing can be written for both sexes.
I am currently dating a “girl” who just graduated college and embodies many of these negative traits, including a flakiness on a whole new level. It drives me nuts, but I know its my own fault, as I am choosing to still date her (also, I’m pretty sure that could be a function of her not being that in to me).
If she’s not that into you maybe you shouldn’t continue the relationship! You’re never trapped, always remember that. You can leave her whenever you want.
Wow..this is extremely insightful. I wish i had read this 6 years ago..
A man can still get crunk with his buddies, everyone needs one day to let loose.
Damn it, i am only 21, and It sounds like i didn’t get a chance to live out my boyhood. it looks like I always had those manly thoughts, therefore never got into a relationship cz I knew i would just be a waste of time, for I have serious future plans & a vision.
You know what is the secret of a man form a boy? We men read books that helps us promoting self confidence, the right act to approach women its just like how to play the game of love.. If we get your attention it begins.. if not then goodbye simple as that.
#2 just plays on whether you’re living by society’s norms and standards- a way of life which is indoctrinated into our heads from the moment we’re born, by influences which are in every part of our lives.
The problem with people is that they never or rarely ever live IN the moment, and instead create worries and stress over things that have already happened, or things that have yet to happen. Living in the moment has nothing to do with being a boy or a man, nor a girl or a woman.