When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
I agree with this is list whole heartedly. Having been attracted to many of the same types and learning to trust myself not to repeat patterns. However, I did want to point out that several of the points on the list are about external success and being sure of ones direction as per career, and I would like to warn women that just because a guy has everything “on paper” doesnt mean he is a “man” or can handle commitment in other aspects of his life. There’s a lot of boys masquerading as men and using their “serious careers” as ways to avoid intimacy. And theres lots of real men who might not have all their “shit together” but want to grow with the woman they love. So be sure to look at how they treat you as the indicator. XX!
according to the first part of this article, my “ideal boy” would have been a guy who is
-volatile
-judgmental
-angry
-violent
because those were all my parent’s flaws. It was never the case though. I was always attracted to the kind mature man…or the kind slightly immature man…but never a guy who played games or had any of the flaws listed above.
Did I just miss that part of my development?
Don’t forget that in the list its very rare to find a man like that always remember it. 1/100000 chance and sometimes you already found that person but you blew it.
All men were boys before. Some of them became men with experiencing life. All boys afraid of new things, feelings, emotions and challenges will always stay boys.
Where is Equal rights ???
Real woman …Pay for date …
Agree… but the first date must be paid by the man…. the rest by both
No, the first date must be paid by whoever wants to pay for it. Why do women think that men should pay for everything? “Oh he’s the man so he should pay for the first date”. No. If he WANTS to pay for the first date then by all means he can do it, but don’t expect the man to pay for the first date. Don’t expect a man to pay for shit throughout your entire relationship. It is not a man’s job to provide for women. When women say things like “I want a finacially stable man” it translate to “I want a man to pay for my shit because he’s the man and he’s supposed to”.
So your a girl and not a woman? Men should not be expected to ‘buy’ your interest. You don’t want to participate forging your relationship and expect someone to do it for you, then your not helping anyone and shouldn’t date.
I am 20. Maybe this is why the late teens/ early 20’s are so tough for people. We are transitioning into Adults at different rates from our friends and would-be lovers. Some girls respond to “games” and some don’t. I suppose part of being a man for me will be to stick to my approach to finding potential partners despite the boys around me, and the girls who laugh at me. I’m not sure if I’m a “man” yet, but I know I want to be with a woman who will set me straight if I’m not.
There are a million ways one can identify themselves as a man. Man defines himself and defines his own reality.
These are just opinions on what this person wants and what she thinks defines a man.
Who wrote this article?
pretty sure a woman
You attempt to define shoes you will never walk in. A man defines himself, no one else can, not society and certainly not women. The account at the beginning of your post is highly cliche, a twenty something that goes for the bad boy while ignoring the real men. Instead of accepting full responsibility’ they place blame elsewhere.
Then when their beauty and good looks begin to fade (stopped relying on beauty) some what (around the ages of 30+), they suddenly find they have ‘grown up’ and can now identify real men and provide a definition of what a real man is.
Here is the thing, a real man wants a woman that lacks a tarnished past, one that has not given themselves to ‘bad boys’ under the guise of ‘finding themselves’ and one that accepts responsibility for their actions, all of them. Real men can see straight through ‘real’ women.
The author of the article is attempting to define the qualities of an ideal long-term mate (“a man”) for the benefit of her primary audience: females interested in long-term mates (“women”). You may disagree with her semantics, but she is likely more in-tune with the preferences and concerns of her primary audience than you.
You seem to believe that she is trying to make a checklist for “manliness,” which is a worthless, abstract concept that no one has authority to define. So you say that a man defines himself, but then you speak of “real” men, implying the existence of “fake” men whose X chromosomes are somehow invalid.
There are no real men or fake men, just males with various traits, one of which is emotional maturity. The author talks about integrity, ambition, confidence, and focus, all positive indicators of emotional maturity in either sex. And why does the author have grounds to define emotional maturity, but not “manliness”? Because she’s observed that emotional maturity produces consistent results: relationships that survive. Two emotionally mature people will stay together through fights, boredom, and temptation; immaturity weakens that bond until the relationship breaks apart.
If a female is looking for a durable relationship, these 11 signs of emotional maturity can help her find a compatible male, a “man” in the author’s parlance. Even if you’re 100% boyish according to this list, you’re still a real, legitimate man, just not the kind of man who belongs in a long-term relationship.
Hi Blake, I appreciate your comments and thought-out response. Thank you for that.
I agree with this article. Suggestion: A man will wear proper clothes and a boy will wear swag and a comic book shirt.