When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
This is so far fetched and stupid it is not even funny.
1) Not everyone has a high level of confidence. Some men may have a form of anxiety. Not taking charge =/= immaturity.
2) There is nothing wrong with living in the moment. Life has lost almost all value if you’re not enjoying it. Of course have a good balance between living in the moment and your career, but my god who cares.
3) “A man looks for a woman with intelligence”. Sorry women if you’re not waltzing down the street with a PhD and graduated with a 4.0 GPA, you’re worthless to a “man”. “A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.” Alright that is it ladies and gentlemen. Women you are not allowed to be physically or sexually attractive, outgoing or fun. You will only attract “boys” and not career men in suits.
4) “A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her.” Yes, this is why the average marriage these days lasts no longer than 2 years.
5) “A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations.” Comfort zones, everyone’s is different.
6) The entire number 6, not everyone is looking for a comitted relationship. Some people want nothing more than casual dating. Serious relationships and marriage isn’t for everyone. NEXT.
7) “A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.” Translation man is boring boy sounds pretty fun.
8) “A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life.” Says who?
10) So someone who is afraid of rejection is immature? WOW. Sometimes putting yourself out there just isn’t really worth it.
This article should be called “What I want in a man”, instead of passing this as some sort of standard that women (and gay men) should look for in a man. This is YOUR vision, so trying to pass this off as something that is accurate and stone cold facts is asinine.
AMAZING
I find this article inconsistent solely based on the fact that we cannot put psychological labels on sexes. Trying to do so results in creating sexual stereotypes that originate from the media and more specific idiotic blogs like this.
Thank you! A lot of people go after unavailable people for many reasons other than these “psychological issues”. For one thing its easier to put someone on a pedestal when they’re not around enough for you to witness their flaws. And 2 anything that seems harder to obtain seems mch more worthy or more proof of your own worth if you can get it. Of course the problem with that is you are not seeing the boy as a person and rather as a prize .
This article sounded like it was written by a bitter mediocre woman. It sounds like she’s envious of the “hot” and “wild” girls. Because she cannot be like them, she’s putting the blame on men and convinces herself that she wants a stable, boring, homely life. I’d say I have a stable career and tell you what, boring or “mature” women don’t attract me at all. I enjoy going out every weekend to new restaurants and bars to unwind. And yes, I doubt many “mature” women out there because it always seems they’re always there to get you for marriage, for money. NO.
Hello JJ.
I am the author of the article and there are some flaws in your argument.
1) I am not a bitter mediocre woman. You can try to character attack me all you want, but you won’t find any facts to back that up. I’m not being arrogant, but I’m well aware of my value, and am confident about who I am as a woman. I’m a human being who laughs a lot, helps others on a consistent basis and loves love.
2) Going out every weekend and trying new restaurants and having drinks is not the same as getting “crunk” every weekend. I’m referring to people (and this can apply to both male/female) that party wrecklessly, live to get wasted and lack a sense of responsibility.
3) Your mentality that mature women are “out to get” you for marriage or money is unfortunate. Because not all women have an agenda to trap you or take from you.
Thank you for reading.
Amy
Don’t bother sweetie, he is just bitter because based on the description he realized he is a boy.
Ah, after seeing this, I now know that I should go with my gut-feeling on my next endeavour; “The third trimester, and what to expect emotionally” Thank you for the confidence in writing on the opposite sex, regardless of topic!
JJ,
You do realize YOU sound like the bitter one as you got so offended and made up a story about a person you dont know. Very odd behavior.
actually. Very BOYish behavior. Look closer in that mirror. No one is “jealous” of hot and wild girls. One can possess a brain and still be hot. In fact, a MAN would know that, wouldnt he?
So, thank you for being a visual aid of EXACTLY the dynamics that make up this post.
I take offense to number two. It doesn’t leave room for men who don’t want a family someday, which is a perfectly valid plan. And all the stereotypes this blog generally plays into are a problem, of course. You can’t be a man unless you’re a workaholic who doesn’t have time to hang out with your friends on weekends? Men can’t be shy? And why does a man have to know what he wants all the time? Not having focused career ambition shouldn’t mean someone isn’t mature enough to be in a real relationship, either. It certainly doesn’t show up on the women’s page.
She never said being a workaholic, she just said taking strides for your career. One thing I will never get is the minute any article or show dares to analyze a men, men get their knickers in a twist but women have to read stupid male oriented crap all the time and if we can’t take it then we’re femi-Nazis.
Beautiful piece of work. And me being a male, I will definitely agree with you, Amy. It’s a shame to men that these ‘boys’ take stride in their games and develop it from their teens and this peculiar habit remains with them all throughout their lives. They never seem to break open from their chains of insecurity and go on an adventure in life all in the process of MANNING UP!
I feel this article is very black and white. So is a man a man when he meets just some of the requirements? This list just sounds like a list of a girl’s dream guy.
This article is great but there are some flaws and assumptions made in this article. Now that you heard from clearly a mature woman’s perspective, please listen to my side of the story, from a man/boys perspective whatever you want to call it. I concur with a lot of points in this article but a few. I understand when you stated that a man KNOWS what he wants and a boy doesn’t and plays games, but a man can clearly just not be ready for a relationship at the time of his life due to his career being the priority. Not you (the girl/woman). When a boy went through tough financial issues in life watching his father do jack shit with his life, it makes that boy want to be well off enough to make the correct decisions before making it. Especially in a relationship before eventually starting a family of his own, a MAN is one who will make sure he can support whatever decisions he makes and will make sure his future family will have financial stability and secure amount of income to provide a healthy family life. a BOY will make a decision like THINKING he knows what he wants and will end up in financial debt (because he thought like a BOY). This makes your first theory incorrect, but everything else sounds pretty accurate. Now wouldn’t you want someone who takes longer to make a decision? At least you’ll know he actually is thinking about having a secure future with you, a BOY would jump right in and get booty. just saying. A man might be indecisive but once his decision is made, it’ll be the one decision hell never regret that led him and her to that bright and beautiful future. I am a single man for the past 2 years at the age of 27 and non-bias. Have a great day ;).
Well articulate points.
Good point. It’s okay to not know what you want but it’s not okay to give people shit because of it. I think what the guy does about not knowing what he wants spells the difference. Let’s say he lies about actually dating several women at the same time, choosing among them, and after “committing” to one tells another that they can still try to work it out, not to mention bedding someone other than his gf in the midst of it all. Sadly there are guys who do this. And they say they want to take it slow, they’d like to make whatever they have with each girl grow, try to get booty and act like a partner from time to time and then they disappear into thin air. Just my two cents, a man may be indecisive but he doesn’t screw others because of it but acts with integrity. He respects and doesn’t put other people’s feelings on the line for his sake.
First cool name” The Man”. Second, I think you are right about “a man can clearly just not be ready for a relationship at the time of his life due to his career being the priority”. Because I am experiencing the same man situation right now. However, when you say “Not you (the girl/woman)”, as a girl/woman, I wonder why? And can man multitask? The only time I want to be alone is the time after I get out from a relationship.. not when I get a job.
WOW you must have dated quite a few people to know this and write a blog about it****!!!!!! neither real men or boys will go for this much experience.