When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
Amy, you have a very we’ll written article. I know I don’t fit all 11 of these characteristics, but I am trying to. Anyone who says this article puts too much pressure on men, needs to seriously look at their own character or the character of men they are pursuing.
We guys need to step up and accept responsibility instead of saying this is unrealistic and unattainable perfection. It can be done. I know men like this.
The world has set the bar extraordinarily low. Thanks for providing a realistic standard that guys who want to be men can strive to reach.
Hi Josh,
Thank you for reading. The article isn’t to say that a person needs to be all of these 11 points all the time. We are human. We are childish and immature even in our wisest years. I agree that the world has set the bar to be extraordinarily low. Appreciate the comment.
Amy
Maybe its because I’m not a straight guy, so I don’t see it in the viewpoint as most the others do here. But I think this article is great food for thought simply. It let’s me put myself in perspective and see how I could improve myself, versus getting any least bit defensive. Peculiarly funny how it seems it’s predominantly guy-audience to such an article with no sight of any comments from any girl. Hah.
Josh, very well said. It is hard to convey to some boys that they really need to look into their character and do a full evaluation of where they are at and who they are. I definitely know plenty (not abundant,but plenty) of men that are living to these standards and it is definitely possible. Does living to these standards make you less fun or unhappy? No, in fact I see them having more joy in their life compared to anyone else I met.
Very well written article. Men would be able to take it. Boys wouldnt.
Wow, Josh Your comment really made me smile. It may be silly but I never thought I’d see the day where a guy WANTS to be THAT MAN. And not just make excuses for NSA sex and duping multiple women into untrue relationships. I dont think all men or most men suck BUT I will admit its nice to SEE once in a while, those who arent so “knee jerk” defensive and DO want to be the best man for the job. Its a very attractive quality.
I wish you well in your growth.
I’m 20 and I’ve been single for a little over 2 years now for this very reason. Everyone always asks me why a woman like me is still single. Not to say that I’m not happy being single, I absolutely embrace it. But over these two year, I have talked to quite a few guys, gone on a lot of dates, but in the end, they’re just boys. Some say I’m just too picky but this article explains exactly why I have been single for so long! Just haven’t found any men yet and unfortunately, at my age, they won’t be coming around anytime soon. But until then, I’ll continue on with my ambitions, passions, education, etc.
At 18-20 you are still a girl.
In response to #1, I think that a man is PATIENTLY assertive. Being a team often requires being assertive only some of the time, at the right time, and in the correct way.
In response to #5, I think that there is a right time and place for “uncomfortable questions”. Sometimes, I do much better after calming down and approaching a situation from multiple avenues and I would find fault with someone who finds that childish or “avoidant”. Especially if they find that childish or avoidant right now when I don’t want to talk about it right now (sarcasm).
I was never really sure how to put it in writing but, this is the story. Fully told and well said.
but all in all women will continue to fall for the wrong men, and men will continue cheating. the hard truth to happily ever after in america. yes even your parents.
This article has helped me immensely, thank you! While I realize that not every “mature” man will be able to adhere to all of these things all the time, I still feel that these differences between a “man” and a “boy” are accurate and important to keep in mind when evaluating a current or potential relationship. I’m going through a break up and have been having a lot of doubts, “did I do the right thing?”, “should we get back together?”, “was it me?”, etc. But after reading this and realizing that my ex is a “boy” on almost all counts, it has really helped me to realize that the relationship was unhealthy and not what I wanted. Being in a relationship is difficult enough as lovers without the added strain of being a “parent” trying to help a boy become a man.
Well said. I concur!
If you would have put business in front of man you may be correct. It’s just a shopping list of qualities for a particular man you agree with. It takes all kinds to make a world. All I needed in a mate was a job and that she liked camping. The rest is just putting up with the other stuff in the package. To me a woman without some girl in her would be a yawner. I wouldn’t want one of today’s women that you can’t tell from the what is called a man today, that you can’t tell from the women, with their 11 differences in common.
“I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.”
An ADULT – male or female – knows that you don’t just *become* independent, confident, and full of self-worth. Every person on this planet will work at these things day-after-day for their entire life. It is the human condition to experience fear, doubt, and insecurity and every person, from the newborn infant to the elderly person who is nearing their death bed has resolved all of these issues or is immune to being afflicted by them no matter how much personal “growth” they believe they’ve accomplished.
I really do appreciate this article. Mostly because this is the exact articulation for 50% of the reason why my past relationships failed and 50% of the reason why my current relationship is succeeding. i say 50% because i am also 50% responsible for my failures and my successes. I understand the initial knee jerk reaction thinking “oh another piece on why guys suck” but its really not. The distinguishing characteristic seems to be that if you want a substantial relationship, you need to find someone who also wants a substantial relationship. If you want something just for fun, you should look for a person who also wants something just for fun. The article was incredibly insightful, understanding what types of behaviors and characteristics are common in a person who wants the same type of goal and the same type of outcome. Not necessarily all of the 11 will be wrapped up in a pretty little bow, but even recognizing one can be indicative of a person who may have the same goals you do. The rest you find out as you get to know them and build a foundation with them.
I think that we’re forgetting that personality has a deal of play here, especially with issues of rejection and assertiveness