When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
Thank you for sharing.
Can we have some of your thought about gold diggers as well? Is it really pejorative or something smart and confirmed by the society?
MY TAKE ON GOLDDIGGERS AND AGEISTS
I don’t know if it’s the right place to write this, but since I don’t own a blog…
Someone asked me on this page what I thought about gold diggers and ageists… Honestly that’s a tough one… I have never dated a gold digger, mainly because I’m a 27 year old, ‘’not making 300 000$ a year’’ guy.
I’ve seen some people date what you would call gold diggers. To most people, gold diggers would be the cliché woman who dates a brain surgeon who makes loads while she goes to the spa with her Chihuahua in her purse. While that makes up for a really funny image in my head, I think this term could apply to anyone who dates someone for what they can bring in the relationship (big income, house, free clothes, etc.) Yes, these women exist, but I think there are many kind of gold diggers, for example :
-The lazy slob who plays Call of Duty all day while his girlfriend works her ass off to pay for rent, food, bills, while his biggest expense is his monthly payment to Xbox Live.
– The girl or the guy who always ‘’forgets his or her wallet’’ when going to the restaurant with a date.
Honestly, I think the best way to know if a person is a gold digger is to ask this simple question: ‘’Would this person date me if I was broke ?’’
Some of you will ask ‘’Is a gold digger immature?’’ Well, Yes and No. I think it really depends on who you’re dating. Some are more childish than babies and will throw a tantrum if you don’t buy them the new Prada purse or the latest Call of Duty game, while some other gold diggers know exactly what they are doing, have their life together, but make a point to date only rich people, yet these people are not toxic in a relationship.
Actually to know where you stand in a relationship with a gold digger, the best question to ask yourself would be : ‘’Am I okay with this?’’
As for ageists, to be honest, I did not know what that was, so I asked around and everyone seemed to think it was people who date other people with a significant age difference. If it’s something else, please tell me.
Quite frankly, unless it’s a case of statutory rape (being 30 and dating a 14 year old) I don’t see how this is a problem. What I really think is funny about this though, is the way some people look at this. A lot will say : ‘’I date older guys because I’m too mature for guys my age.’’ BREAKING NEWS ! If you’re 16 and you’re dating a 22 years old guy, chances are you’re not more mature than you seem, but this guy is more immature than he seems. The contrary is also true. One of my good friends is 33 years old and married to a 24 years old woman. In no way would I say this guy is less mature than his age. In general, we tend to mingle we people who fit our personality and our maturity, that’s the bottom line.
I think I should start writing a blog…
BOY IS THIS GOING TO BE A LONG RANT…
What I really love about this article is that the author seems to look at this as if this is THE ONE UNIVERSAL TRUTH about men. The same goes for the article about WOMEN vs GIRLS. While I agree with some of these criteria, most of them look more like a list of assets the author is looking for in a partner.
To be completely honest, I don’t believe that there is ONE SINGLE WAY to be considered a real man or a real woman, for this simple reason : One’s conception about being a man and woman is pretty different from one person to another. While there is SOME generality in what qualifies as being a man, I believe (and ladies : correct me if I’m wrong!) that everyone instinctively responds to different things. I’m not talking about wanting things, I’m talking about having an instinctive emotional response (an incontrollable gut feeling, if you like) in something about a man or a woman that makes you instantly want him or her. Read anything about the dynamics of attraction and interaction, you’ll see some great information…
A simple example : Let’s talk about the bad boy cliché. Why is it that some girls and some women as grounded and emotionally stable as they may be fall for guys who look and act like men, they look like bad boys, they know for sure these guys will be detrimental for them in a relationship, yet they fall in love with them ? It’s not because of any ‘’daddy issues’’ and certainly not about the guy’s capacity to not give a crap about these women(though some might…). It’s simply because these guys reflect what we would call ‘’men attributes’’ that some women respond to.
Attraction is something men and women can barely control. This might sound animal-ish, but look at a wolf pack. Why is it that most female wolves go for the alpha male ? Because the alpha male reflects those qualities ( leadership, confidence, assertiveness, etc. ) As said, people tend to respond to certain things instinctively, not rationally; otherwise no normal woman would fall for bad boys.
So, going on to the real men criteria, here is what I disagree with :
NUMBER 2 : Some guys change countries every single year for work, meaning they don’t have a stable life structure. How does planning to have a family or preparing for it mean that you are a man ? Plenty of mature confident men do not plan to have children anytime in their life and you could still call these guys ‘’ MEN’’.
NUMBER 3 : This one‘s my favorite ! Yeah that’s true. On long term, men might look for a more grounded woman that gives her support. But, as sad and shallow as it may sound, if you look like the back of a garbage truck and are as exciting as a bingo tournament in a funeral home, most men won’t even consider you as a potential partner, because that’s the basis of what most guys respond to. Another sad statement is that most males will look for sexual attributes first (hot, wild exciting) before even thinking if a woman is long term material. Before looking for support and ‘’down to earth’’ they will go for fun, exciting and wild. That is even truer for what you call ‘’real men’’, because those guys have options. They won’t settle for those kinds of values. The ‘’hot, wild and exciting’’ factor will probably come first, the ‘’support, grounded, etc.’’ will come after, as a bonus if you want. If any guy or man reading this disagrees, please do so. As of now, I have yet to meet a man who is ATTRACTED to support first and looks in second.
Another thing that I want to share my two cents with is the shared set of values. This is actually funny, because most men I know (including myself) are polar opposites of the women we are dating. I’m not saying that you really have to be the opposite of your partner, but personally, I love to be with someone that thinks differently. It makes up for great discussion. If you talk about long terms common goals, I tend to agree, but having the same set of values seems like a recipe for a really boring relationship… this is just my opinion, not a universal truth. Guys, if you disagree, go for it…
NUMBER 5 : A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation… Breaking news! A lot of men will ignore confrontation. Not because they are afraid of it, but because they will choose their fights. I believe that if a man judge that fighting over some conflict is useless, he won’t, simply because he probably will not feel the need to. This might seem ‘’fortune cookie-ish’’, but avoiding confrontation and ignoring it are two different things. Another thing : some conversations are too delicate to talk about, no matter how manly one can be. We all have some life baggage and some is heavier to pull. Anyone could revert to a little child when trying to avoid talking about something uncomfortable.
NUMBER 10 : If there is one thing I have never seen yet is what you call a real man, being afraid of rejection. Most real men are not afraid of rejection from women, for one simple reason: They don’t care ! These guys know their value. If a woman is not interested, so be it. Someone else is going to enjoy his company.
To be honest, I have no scientific background to assert this information. I’m not a licensed therapist. I am just a regular guy working for a local TV station in Canada who happens to have a set of eyes and ears and use it. I am not saying that this article is a piece of junk, but the best way to know about what you call real men, would probably be to speak with them. The insights they will give you will probably be better than what you wrote. On the other side though, I respect the fact that you took the time to write this. It contains a lot of interesting things.
I absolutely agree with everything you just said. Thanks for post this comment!
@ Anthony. Thanks for your post! And yes, it does work both ways. Curious to hear your take on the ‘golddiggers’ and the ‘ageists’.
Thank Anthony! Took a lot of what I was thinking here.
I hate the semantics of “real men” and the idea that a “man” (or “woman”) is a collection of specific traits working toward specific goals.
That being said, if you — as a human being — are to have a good shot at a successful long-term relationship, you need to be able to communicate; maturity is practically a prerequisite to this. And playing games is the death of communication.
But if you don’t want a long-term relationship and/or a family you are no less a “woman” and no less a “man”.
Lol, I was hoping that someone would argue with this article. Its generalizing what men are. Men are not afraid of rejections. They don’t care what the girl’s reaction would be. Men would love hot, wild, sexy women/girls. They will lay them or do whatever they want. LOL. What Anthony said is the truth. If you don’t believe him, then you might still be a boy. 🙂
Another thing : I believe dating is a game… a really fun one !
For 11 it’s the other way around. Men will play mind games and games-(1) unlike boys as boys only plays games(Com,PS3 etc.(1)
Ironically, these generic assertions often result in a ‘good guy’. When the ‘good guy’ becomes boring, many women want the ‘boy’ that you speak of back because they are more fun. Double standard perhaps?
Well shit, I always thought they were the same thing.