When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
I found the article’s framing quite unfair, so for balance –
THE 11 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN DATING A MAN VS A BOY
1. What a man wants is set. Fit it or walk. A boy is ready to define himself along with you, to be shaped by your relationship in core ways.
2. A man is trying to “win” society’s game by setting up a family. A boy will try to maximise the enjoyment you can have together in the weeks/months/years you’ll have together. It doesn’t have to be ‘all in’.
3. A man expects specific values, and will hold you in contempt for not having them. A boy is ready to hear what you have to say and be open to be chenged by it.
4. A man may just push waaay beyond initial rejection. Hope you like peeersissstaaance. A boy will take no for an answer, even if sometimes too easily.
5. Society accepts “look, this has to be serious or not at all” from the man. The same society will, however, see your boy as an ass if he ever actually states “look, I’d like to see if this gets serious as it goes, taking our time”.
6. A man will always be looking for the final partner, because he is out of time (not literally, but psychologically and/or socially). A boy can be caught or not, but is unlikely to compromise to a non-fit like the man.
7. A man will systematically prioritise what is classified as success in the eyes of others over enjoyment. A boy is much more likely to define success for himself in a way he can also enjoy.
8. A man will define his priorites by how he wants to be seen. A boy will listen and be ready to change priorities.
9. Oh bull. Men lie the most. At least a boy will dump you before he goes do stupid s**t.
10. A man will be abrasive with his search of the final partner. A boy can wait.
11. A boy will play the games you want to play. A man never will.
Dating a boy x men is a stage of life. When boy start first hold hand and looking at the skies. Such innocent love thats a boy shows but with maturity of a man. The reason of just hold hands is shows immature stage, afraid of others will say. The reason for you to never forget that moment..
I am a man (as in male), and I think most (if not all) men behave as a “boy” when they wanna have fun, and as a “man” when we find the one we are looking for. So if you meet a “boy”, think about it, it might be that he’s just not really into you but wants to have fun.
(slow clap..)
I must say it is a cool post and the general idea is good, however I cant agree with these specific criterias because I fit very well in the man description (90% at least) but I am certainly still a boy and very immature in most areas of my relationships even if I take mature decisions and I understand these principles. I don’t think its a matter of what you do, im sure its more a matter of how you feel, still a cool article though!
12. A real man can sometimes be a boy when he wants because we are all born boys but not everybody becomes a man who understands the difference.
Thank you! Men can still be wild and untamed (be boys) when we want to be, when we know we can get away with it, but we always come back to being men. We just don’t let go of a golden opportunity when we see it.
I think that encompasses #1:
“A man knows what he wants, and goes for it.”
Good reading for anyone in question of his or her place. All very true.
@Dono, irresponsibility at its worst is to have children because society says you should and then mistreat them because you never wanted them in the first place, which happens all too often. Your decision to have or to not have children does not determine your character or your worth.
Hahaha, i couldn’t agree more, my parent often tell me that all he wants is for me not to be a burden to society and carry on the family bloodline. I just can’t stand that. If i were to follow through with his idea i would create another me, one that on his own birthday doesn’t celebrate it, because celebrating your birhday means that alteast, you yourself is glad that you were born. Which I am not. I would rather die alone and without children then to pass on the pain and suffering I was forced to put through. Doing what my dad says would be irresponsible and cruel, not only to your child, but to your partner, and if a reflection of who you are, a selfish, irresponsible, concieteted, and bad person.
I really like this artical, it’s pretty interesting but i don’t think you can really find someone who fits all of those critierias all the time. I say what i mean and I mean what i say, but I really don’t know what my future should be. Goals and plans are pointless to me right now without a destination. A ship without a heading has no use for any wind.
I’ve rambled on long enough, but thx for the post
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