When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
I think you missed the most important aspect of what it means to be a man, and that’s presence. I know guys who make plans for their future decades ahead, but I think that shows just disconnectedness rather than masculinity. A man is always in the moment, even when he makes plans for the future. A man is driven by a higher purpose than his ego and connects to that feeling deep in his heart. That’s how a man becomes sincere, because he’s aligned with himself. Women are attracted by those kind of guys, because they know who they are, not afraid to share their gift, and know where they’re going. All this only happens because of a penetrating presence that opens the world and allows for women to be seen.
LOL what a stupid feel-good article to make ladies feel good about sending young men to wild goose chases.
Like this one here ‘A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her.’ Essentially the poor man is asked to take initiative, because well that’s just what a man does! and we women fought for equality for so long only to use it when it only serves us!.
‘A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.’ Wow, nothing perpetuates the drone like, Cinderella syndrome like this one, a quality woman must recognize a quality man and do everything to hold to him. I am not sure exactly what it is that he has to ‘ever really try’ for! Oh wait a minute that’s because ladies will be playing games and the boy/men have to try to get past it to see the ‘real’ us *smh*.
‘A man knows what he wants, and goes for it’ Basically, chase us cause we love it. And then we’ll bitch about that too in another article if he happens to be one of the 99% of the the men we don’t feel so fuzzy about.
Ladies, use your own senses to recognize quality men and make an effort to get to know them, these articles will make you feel good about yourself for a few minutes and then you are right back to the stark reality that men can see right through our hypoagencies and hypocritical stances on mating games and just arent going to put up with it anymore. Check out Karen Straughan on youtube and get some real knowledge on gender issues.
Wow. Good article! I dated a really good “guy” who fit 90% of the boy criteria in this article. The only reason it wasn’t 100% is because he’s an introvert. The most difficult part was accepting that he just wasn’t ready; he just wasn’t yet a man.
Being an introvert doesn’t make you a man?… Good god, It’s a personality type sweetheart, some people need time to re-charge from being around people all day. It has nothing to do with anything, your personalities just weren’t the same. Being an introvert means you like to prefer being by yourself most of the time, and trying to say that your ex wasn’t a “man” because you have different personalities is so dumb that it hurts… You shredded his masculinity as justification because he just wasn’t that into you. Pretty pathetic and not the least bit logical. I believe this article gives too many women bullshit-based “Man” or “Boy” tags. So if your man thinks your awful, you can just consider him a boy and not “a real man”. When exactly does a woman become a “Real woman”? They become one automatically, they don’t have to jump through hoops and go through the monotonous trials of a young man. You’re just automatically a beautiful, respectable lady and everyone should be nice to you for no apparent reason…. You call sleazy men pigs and then shame the unattractive and unsuccessful man for even having an opinion. Feminist are just as biased and hypocritical as male-divas. If guys did the same thing to girls, we would catch a lawsuit . This is why there are so many “Woman-haters” exist. Because dumb ego-empowered bitches make everything about them. Which is the most unattractive characteristic a female could ever possibly have.
P.S. I will be expecting male-hate comments shortly. Probably stuff about me being a virgin, or never really going on a date; something like that.(Little did you know that while you’re doing that, you’re throwing every socially awkward member of the male sex under the bus too). So prepare your generalizations so they just offend me, because making an argument about the shame of being a male-virgin is pretty hilarious. Feminist on men…Shameful to be a virgin, shameful to be a lady-killer, and shameful to not be a man. Get the fuck out of here with this biased sexist bullshit. Just be original is all i’m saying, because that “man” “boy” thing is only empowering dumb bitches to justify their emotional and behavioral flaws when their man leaves them. SERIOUSLY, these kinds of sites are just women versions of male sites like “BroBible”. So both men and women are getting ridiculous information about each other
Not all men are cool, that’s for sure. But seriously, if these kind of woman want respect they have to EARN it like us. I’m not going to treat you like a goddess just because you’re a woman the same reason you’re not going to treat me like a god because i’m a man.
“Chivalry is dead, and women killed it” -dave chappelle-
Oh, no, guy, you misunderstood what OP said.
He or she said “if he weren’t so introverted, he would’ve fit all the criteria on this list for being a ‘boy'”; The implication being that, since he was introverted, the list items like “A boy is getting crunk at the bar with his buddies every weekend” probably don’t apply.
I can see that you have a lot of anger to get out on this issue, and many of the points you made are salient in their over-arching application to society, but unfortunately they don’t apply to the person/people you launched them at.
Ho-ly crap.
Not only did you misunderstand what the OP said, but you went on one of the most defensive tirades I’ve seen in awhile. Jumping to conclusions about a person you’ve never met based off a 3-sentence post on the internet, as if you know best.
Then –and this is perhaps my favorite part– you have already defense made for the onslaught of “male-hate” comments.
Beautifully done. Give yourself a pat on the back.
damn son that shit was deep
Zach is correct.
Unfortunately, we’re seeing this type of dialogue more and more on the blogosphere (and in life in general). A war of words between the plight of “Men” and “Women”.
I can’t help but believe there are very real problems with both the male AND female psyche in America. We’ve entered into a period in our history where gender rolls are distorted more so than ever before. Yet, in my opinion, deep within us are some fundamental masculine, and feminine traits that are being undeserved with the current dynamic.
I’m being vague I know. But how can I be a gentleman and open the car door for you, if you feel too empowered as a woman to allow a man to take care of you? How can I show my natural willingness and desire to provide for you, if you so strongly believe you should provide for yourself. What’s left of the male role for females?
Similarly, for women… How can you be affectionate and supportive, when you have your own stressful life to handle. How can you make him feel like a man, when you disdain the “man’s world” to begin with? The irony in all of this is that by being so combative with our gender roles, we’re destroying what once was a very beautiful connection between man and woman. We’re now casting our frustrations to the blogs, attempting to pin down whether that guy you’re dating is a man or a boy – surely a boy, that’s why he’s so immature.
Maybe you perceive him as immature because his natural role to be a strong leader, has been diminished in our society. Maybe he’s struggling to understand what his place is in your world, if you seemingly have everything figured out. If you don’t need us, we’ll start playing games to make sure you do.
This is getting long, but I just wanted to point out my belief. My belief that the male / female dynamic in this country is in a very rough spot. Men have an innate desire to be a man – to take care of their woman, to be strong, and supportive. Females ( I thought ) had a desire to make there man feel like a man. Allow him to help, support him emotionally and physically, be the kind nurturing person that every man wants in their life. The reality which I see more and more, are females exhibiting male characteristics. What happened to love? What happened to kindness? What happened to nurturing?
This isn’t about money, or social status. Love should be about making your mate feel like a woman, or a man, respectively. Don’t just expect them to be one… It’s teamwork.
I can understand what Thomas meant about males’ dilemma between being chivalrous and being aware of “gender equality.” I think the author had a few more controversial points, such as men should take the initiative (introverts would find this difficult) and men should plan their future. Here’s an example from my experience.
I had a relatively short term relationship with a guy a few months ago (He had to go abroad, and we both didn’t want our relationship to go through long distance torture.) He was neither a planner of the future nor very assertive. Instead, he was easygoing, sweet, loving and lived in the moment. We complement each other, as I plan and worry too much. With an awesome sense of direction and some protectiveness, he’s manly in his way. And if that means I need to make plans and be active, then it’s fine with me. In my opinion, assertiveness and planing for the future are not prerequisites to be a “man”. The idea that men are not men without the two qualities is grounded on traditional values that only such men can be “reliable” to be with/marry.
On the other hand, what the author perhaps wanted to convey was, women can only attract responsible males if they also have a healthy dose of confidence and know what they want in life. This makes sense. In fact, not only women look for people who are confident, independent and plan, but men find these traits preferable too. We can agree on this, eh?
Wow… you’re at a 10 when you need to be at a 0 since you completely misunderstood the comment and apparently didn’t read the article. It clearly says that most of the criteria can be applied to women and even links to that article.
I’m also curious to know where feminism has entered the discussion, or did you just decide to bring it up so you could rage about it? A (hetero) woman writing about her dating experience (with men) is “making everything about her”, but you attacking feminism and females over one comment that you didn’t even read properly is fine?
Anyway, no real feminist would shame someone for their sexual choices, whatever they happened to be, and no one on this page has lived up to your “male-hate” expectations. Feminism does, however, call for women to be treated not like goddesses but with basic respect. Perhaps you should read up on it, with open eyes this time.
What bothered me the most about your comment is not the misogynistic undertones — or assuming this article is based on the majority of women’s opinions — but rather, the grammar. The end quotes you used belong after the punctuation, not before. Maybe correct usage would strengthen your argument.
Your comment is well-taken, although perhaps small-minded. The author makes a few great points, and she is definitely not a feminist. I feel sympathetic for you, because your views seem to be based on some sort of negative personal experience. I am sorry your opinions are as such, but hopefully when you transform into more of a man, you will understand what the author outlines in her article. No need to shame the feminists or women that desire to empower themselves; they are entitled to their opinions just as you are.
Possessiveness and jealousy due to insecurity and control due to fear should definitely have been added to this.
I second that
I agree with most points on this article, however:
There’s nothing wrong with simply enjoying life on weekends or when you have free time. Because someone doesn’t spend the majority of their free-time making career strides doesn’t make them a “boy”. If you’re enjoying life, you’re effectively building it. The illusion of work = life building is unwise and leads to a lot of unnecessary judgement. Moreover, some people are content with what they have and are not interested in planning for the future. This leaves them with plenty of free time to enjoy life (not necessarily limited to social events and getting drunk, as this article suggests)
This article also assumes all points are mutually exclusive between men and boys. If you go into life this way, you will soon be disappointed. Even the most mature men sometimes have boy-ish tendencies. It’s only human nature.
Just being honest… Not trying to make it sound like a hate message but it kinda is. I like how feminists never realize how sexist they are. Calling a man a boy instead shreds any masculinity he had. If i called a woman anything remotely degrading everybody gangs up on you. I think it’s funny when some women talk about the man they want, because the man they envision is always just an attractive and confident man. Some women never realize that their expectations in men are just as shallow as men’s interest in women. Yet, they demand respect regardless of who they are and what they look like and if a man does the same thing he’s crazy (which he is, but so is the ego-empowered feminist). Why can’t we all be equal? It’s a constant bullshit power struggle between the sexes. Just be nice to each other…. This is an unpopular opinion because it’s from the male side of the spectrum. Not a players side of the perspective, not a family man’s part of the perspective, it’s the perspective of a man who isn’t a lady killer. Just think about it. Every feminist groups all men into one category, evil people. And when a dude comes out and talks about how he’s been treated like shit by girlfriends his whole life, everybody considers him a submissive male and a women-hater in general. It’s just complete bullshit. Feminist generalize the male race so much it’s embarrassing. Everybody just needs to realize that not everyone is the same, and that not every experience between the opposite sex ends with the man screwing it up (Though sometimes it definitely is). I think it’s funny that you can’t make fun of a feminist but you can make fun of college male virgin. It’s a complete hypocrisy. And the best part is that if you ever make fun of an un-attractive girl, everyone hates you for the rest of your life. Feminists and Male Virgins are the same fucking people, they were just born to different bodes.Both bitter about the treatment they got from the opposite sex. Male virgins hate the ego-empowered women who demands automatic respect and can literally get away with what ever they want just because they are attractive woman. Same thing for feminists, they hate ego-empowered men who can get away with anything because of their looks,charm, and male image. Both of these kinds of assholes are also the same, just different sex.
So what am i trying to get at with this insane rant? Feminists and “Women Haters” generalize their negative feelings toward a specific type of member of the opposite sex and apply them to the entire opposite sex. Not all men are bad, and not all women are bad either. I just hate how everybody just says “men, who needs em” or “Bitches are crazy man”. NEWS FLASH, the world is full of assholes and just because they happen to be a member of the opposite ex… Don’t throw every other member of that opposite sex under the bus with them!
Rant over, thank you for your time.
P.S. Women should get payed the same as men, i was not trying to group that part of the battle of the sexes in. Just wanted to clarify i wasn’t some religious cook or a clan member or something. K thanks
Ever heard the expression, “It’s a man’s world”? Feminists do not view men as evil, they view men as oppressive to women, with a central idea of patriarchy.
Write another comment once you’ve learned something, please.
Possessiveness and jealousy due to insecurity and control due to fear should definitely have been added to this.