When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
Ok this obsurd checklist on who’s a man and who’s a boy is just a woman’s attempt of mind control on men. It looks like the “boy” is the smart guy who will get what he really wants from a female and won’t get burned. What do I mean by burned? Hmmm treating another human being like a “princess” buying her expensive jewelry clothes shes etc… While she sits at home all day fucking the mailman and your brother. Than after a few years of this and 2-3 kids later she has so much mind control over you and your dick, so much more free time to cheat and find other partners while you slave away at work. That she decides she wants to leave and take your house alimony and child support while she is buying Gucci purses and ipads with that court ordered check you send that supposed to be for the kids. Men are tired of seeing this story, that’s why more and more men are going to strip clubs or going gay. You are not goddesses you are human beings!!! You shit and fart like the rest of us… and if not cleansed right your vagina’s smell downright disgusting and i’m supposed to bow to you??? You have the right to get your lazy asses up and become managers ceo’s hell even the president of the united states. Real men don’t act like idiots…
Here’s my girl checklist
1.) a girl who expects to be swooped up by a CEO or doctor or ball player just so she doesn’t have to work anymore
2.) a girl who thinks she’s too good to clean and cook. (seriously what are you good for? might as well just pay a maid)
3.)A girl who turns her husband down when he wants sex. If you weren’t sexually attracted to the man why would you marry him? Don’t get mad when we go to the strip club or call and old ex. Because we all know if we turned you down you would fuck the mailman if you had the chance.
4.) A girl who can’t understand why this day and age a MAN wouldn’t want to go through the torture of marriage or having a child with a woman. Because 1 you women expect too much as shown by this ridiculous article 2.) most men know how much whores women can be and how much easier it is for a woman to find sex than a man. Why marry a slut who you know is after your money only and will cheat on you the first chance she gets? It’ just stupid… * womans voice* “why don’t you open yourself up to me”? because I only wanted you for sex. Like a I said strippers are the way to go they are the smart ones. You dumbasses will continue to be lonely waiting around for that CEO or ballplayer.
“that’s why more and more men are going to strip clubs or going gay.”
You had me until this part. “Going” gay? Honey, there’s no such thing as that. You either are, or you aren’t. Anyone that tries to “go” that way is only fooling themselves. If they’re successfully happy after doing such…well chances are pretty high that they were gay in the first place and were too afraid to know for sure until that point.
You go to the movies, and you go on trips to places. You don’t “go” gay. It’s not a travel destination, it’s a deep and personal part of you that just is.
“Intelligent Man,” I personally thank you for your input here. I believe that everyone has a right for their voice to be heard and acknowledged for what it is worth. It is because of this that I desire to respond with my own personal list of what I desire in a woman.
I desire a woman, in the fullest sense of the word. To me, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring in this world than a woman who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as something sacred, and who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding.
A woman who sees great worth in every surrounding person, who knows the true value and power of motherhood and wields it with honor, who acknowledges her shortcomings but works to overcome them and achieve her dreams, who holds true to her values, and who looks for the best in others and finds it.
This is just a portion of my definition of womanhood, and I invite all to think critically about their own definitions as well.
I confess that I do not believe this to be an unachievable list of unrealistic wishes. Quite to the contrary, I can attest to women of this caliber being all around us, having personally lived to know dozens upon dozens of women who either fit this description, or are relentlessly striving for it.
I personally thank all women who recognize the value found in this blog article. It is not perfect, but it is a light in the dark. These are the women I would want to have raise the next generation of children, and coupled with men exemplifying the same characteristics and values, I know they will succeed.
-One Other “Intelligent Man”
It sounds like you have some deep issues. Sorry whatever woman hurt you did you so bad, but you can’t just overgeneralize…
We’re all whores because men have an overactive sex drive and thus women are more easily able to find a man to have sex with if we so please?
If we can’t cook and don’t like to clean what good are we for? How about making an income, grabbing take-out, and providing love and support. It sounds like YOU want a maid you can just bang and call her a wifey.
Turn down your husband for sex = you shouldn’t have married him? What the hell? Are you part of the taliban who doesn’t believe in marital rape as wrong? Cause it sounds like you would be very happy with that since you’re advocating for unconsensual sex between spouses. If one partner does not want sex on a given day that should not be an issue. If it is, then blame it on a lack of connection or one partner having an underwhelming or overwhelming sex drive. DON’T blame it on a wife who didn’t want to bang one night.
I think you’re reading what what you want to read out of the article. Money wasn’t mentioned once. Career building and striving to be a better person and man was the entire focus. A kindergarten teacher could make this list easily. Don’t flatter yourself, you have no reason for not being what one would consider a “man” just cause you’re not rich. You’re just full of excuses, and like most of this male-centered culture, feel the need to blame it on women. Does it make you feel good? To blame someone else for your problems that don’t seem to leave. Maybe it can start to get better with YOU.
Don’t take baggage onto other people. If someone hurt you you can let it define you, destroy you, or strengthen you. It seems you’ve let it define you. Now it’s up to you to turn that around.
Fantastic post, Daniela. Too bad this neanderthal has probably forgotten he even wrote a comment. One critique, I think you should have simplified the language for the “intelligent man.” Then again, you don’t seem like you would speak barbarian… 😉
What’s with all the hate, boy?
I disagree with #2, because I don’t think that the two options are mutually exclusive, and because living in the moment can be and is an attribute. A boy makes big plans but is never there to follow through with them. A man makes big plans, but has to live in the moment to accomplish them. If you were with someone who never lived in the moment, you’d call them distant and you’d feel like they were never there, because they aren’t, they’re busy focusing on their grand plan.
I like the idea of this article, but I wonder; how would such an article, written by a man go over if it was titled “11 differences between dating a girl and a woman.”
Agreed, we men tend to be more assertive, having the years of experience under our belt to recognize a good thing when it comes by, or to let it pass by. But this estimation of what makes a man versus a boy is very family and career-centric. Do you mean to say that men who aren’t either of those things are just boys? Interesting…
Forgive my earlier comment. I just came across the post “11 differences between dating a girl and a woman”. Thanks for looking at both sides of the coin. 😉
Sadly it seems a lot of people took this article the wrong way. That some how women will use this as a way of “mind controlling” or are “princess’s that need some rich prince” and nothing else is good enough. What this article is stating, is the difference between a male that is ready for a future of marrige, kids, excelling in their career and settling down. The other are the traits of a male that is not ready and some signs. Its a guide for a woman ( a basic guide) of traits to look for if your ready to settle down. Not some mumbo jumbo that women will use to say well you don’t fit all of these so bye. No one will fit all of these. But I guess some people are confused with they usage of the terms ” boy” versus “man”. Its a simplar way to identify the mature male, from the immature male. One lacks the will to accept responsibility that is required for a more grown life ( kids, marriage, the whole shebang) and decides to stay in a life with less responsibility. While the other seeks those responsibilities. There is nothing wrong with either. It simply matters on what a person is looking for, for their life and future. If you want to not have kids and just a relationship with no attachments then go for the “boy” aspect. If you want more, than the “man” aspect would make more sense because you want someone that wants the same things. How some people got so confused and angry at this article beats me. This article is not about if a man has reached puperty but what kind of maturity. That’s all.
An additional list item;
A man doesn’t react aggressively or feel personally attacked by generalizations.
But really though, we do. It’s important to control it though. There’s no legitimate reason for this many defensive, emotional outbursts (by ‘legitimate’ I mean shared, impersonal) reasons; emotions are legitimate too, just not relevant in an argument).
After reading the male version i was complete turned off from this writer. However, paired with the article regarding women these two articles make perfect sense. If the people reading these two articles agree with them then they will probably get along in a relationship because there goals of adulthood are similar. However, people make their own path so I believe this list to be a little too boxed in.
I consider a man to be a boy who has had all aspects of his person tested and possess the ability to self reflect on his responses to said tests. I still have not figured out what makes a girl vs a woman (but then again I am a man and Im told Ill never understand women).
I can relate so much to what you are saying. In my early 20’s I dated nothing but boys and I really put myself through so much unnecessary pain because of my own personal issues and lack of maturity. Now as a woman who had developed and come into her own, I have met my first man and it is amazing! Dating a man who knows what he wants, doesn’t play games and treats you well is a gift! Because he is so good, I have become better as a person and partner! When a woman finds a man it truly can be magical!
Coming from a double mom with a daughter, working two jobs, with our own apartment, doing all of this on my own because her “father” would rather do drugs and nasty girls, I semi-agree with this article. I do believe that MEN should go out on the weekends with his boys. Every one deserves to have a good time every now and then. BUT since I do have a child, it makes it even more difficult to find a real man. A real man, in my definition, is one who will stand up for what he believes, knows his worth, keeps his promises, has a job (not to support the family on his own, but to HELP his woman support the family), has strong values, knows what he wants out of life and out of a woman, thinks it is a shared job to help keep the house up and help cook, knows when to share words when they are needed and share the silence when they are not. A man should know how to handle situations and converse like a civil human being. Belittling a woman is the worst thing you could possibly do, besides cheating.
Cheating is a whole other subject. Everyone is going to look at the opposite sex, which is perfectly fine! Talking to the opposite sex is fine, as long as you know where the fine line is located. If you have to hide something or delete things, it’s considered cheating. I, myself, have never cheated. It goes completely against my beliefs. If you are going to cheat, just leave whatever it is that you have. Clearly that person doesn’t mean that much to you in the first place. Boys will always cheat. It is in their head that they will look good to their friends if they get “some” from other girls while they have another person that is thinking they are being faithful. Pitiful excuses for a human if you ask me. Don’t get me wrong, girls cheat too. Cheaters in general are pitiful.
Bottom line, if a man cannot “handle their own” then they are still boys. Putting what they want in front of what they need is an example of a boy.
Girls, grow up and learn your worth. Spreading your legs to all these boys thinking it’s going to change them into men is an impossible, misconstrued theory. And quite honestly, it is hypocritical. Girls trying to change a boy into a man is like a puppy trying to teach another puppy how to bark like a grown dog. Don’t expect a boy to grow into a man if you are still a girl.
Women, keep doing your thing.
Shout-out to all the real men out there!
If you ex is a drug user and sleeping with nasty women. What does that say about your choice in men? Or for that matter you? You did not classify yourself as a nasty woman until he broke up with you. If women are Independent, why do you care and want to marry us guys. Women will never make the same money as men. Men don’t take days off to take those care of those bastard children. (by definition is true the kids are bastards). Men work late and weekend to cover a poor single mom who had to go and take little dependent #3 to the doctor.
The solution to the dead beat dad epidemic is really simple “Ladies, Stop Screwing the Dead Beats!” If your current man is jerk, ahole, broke, in between jobs, with a 14 inch personality, he is not going to change because he has kids. That is your mistake. As while I get older and can afford the younger girls because you single moms ignored Nice Guy. Deal with your consequences of your choice in life.
What you need a trophy because you are suppose to take care of your kids. On one cares if you work two jobs or not. You HAVE TO take care of those little brats you help procreate with a dead beat. Please read this article http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/society-and-culture/why-women-lose-the-dating-game-20120421-1xdn0.html I fall under the guys that are being chased in the last three paragraphs.
“games used to work on me [snip] 2) At the tender age of 20,”
That’s the only age that I care about – after that women get old. Lesson here – if you want them young – you know what you need to do. And Daddy issues work well for me. 🙂 Gotta love young women which are sweet, but they get bitter when they get old…
Hahah I feel the same way. My view on being a man: work hard and enjoy the fruits of your labor. This article would be great advice if you’d like to be a cheap accountant in NYC.
You are clearly an ignorant boy who does not realize the impact of his actions or words on others. I suggest you take a few notes on what the author has to say. For your sake and the sake of others, it’s time to grow up.