When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
To not-so “intelligent man,” elaborate on what you mean by “going gay”….
wow, great article. your background story could have been written by me, it sounds exactly what i’ve been going throw the past two to three years, with one BOY in particular. i should print this out, hang it on my fridge, and never ever forget it.
xo, cheyenne
Intelligent man are you mad at all women because you’re divorced from yours? You need to chill.
Zach, you also need to chill.
If either of you were “men”, you wouldn’t have said anything at all. Seems to me like your both insecure because otherwise you wouldn’t say such harsh things about women.
Let me apologies in advance for taking something that is meant light heartedly under serious scrutiny, but here goes anyways:
Image that this article was written on the subject of real women vs. girls (possibly even written by a man), now take whatever well founded objections to that article and apply it to here.
Apart from the above here are a couple of other objections to consider:
1. Someone’s idea of Mr. or Misses right doesn’t constitute the real/ideal/best/right version of the other gender.
2. “Real man” and “boy” along with the adjectives associated to each has value associated to them which is unfounded (certainly not objective). Show me someone assertive and I’ll show you someone who hasn’t considered the opinion of other people, show me someone committed and Ill show you someone equally rigid.
Eventually the article carries a tone where one personality type is god and another is bad. It is an underhanded blow and a moralistic judgment(check Marshall Rosenberg on this, that guys is pretty interesting). Refraining from moralistic judgment and taking responsibility for her preference in men, the author may word the article along this lines:
“…. I have changed my preference for men I date. Before I dated men of one type now I prefer another type…” (please notice that the type of partner is not associated with a universal/objective value judgment of god or bad).
3. It seems convenient that “a real man” seems so perfectly to fit an agenda of the author (I assume from the article that a wholesome family unit is very much an objective).
But…. seriously – “A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family” -what 1960ies wholesome family show does this guy hail from?
Finally a word of advice for the author, forget about this boring guy and go for a sailor. Handsome rugged, independent and not around to get under your skin. And when he is around he’ll shower you with affection and have great stories to tell.. Just consider your future children for a second and what they would prefer; a career minded accountant or an Astronaut.
As a 22 year old man who’s finally starting to fill his own shoes, I applaud and agree with this article. Though simplistic, it really hits the nail on the head with some things.
I by no means completely fit the above bill of what it means to be a man. I’ve got some things that still need straightening out. However, there’s a distinction that I think should be made here. First off, I’ve always wanted a woman. I never desired to date “girls”. That’s probably why I never really dated until I was 20. In my short two years in the dating realm, I have learned something though.
Nice guys don’t finish last. Insecure guys who don’t know themselves finish last. Women are attracted to men who have self-confidence, who know who they are and are comfortable with themselves. Men aren’t clingy or overly attached. I’ve found that many women date boys who are jerks, because they mistakenly think that their lack of clinginess or apparent confidence is a sign of manhood. In reality, a man is sensitive and caring, but also confident and comfortable enough in his own skin to not make a woman’s opinion of him his primary focus. His primary focus is on God.
So, cheers to the writer of this article; she gets it.
Don’t date “nice guys”, they lack steel.
Don’t date “jerks”, they lack velvet.
Date men: they have both.
I feel both of these articles boil down to…
Men – Live up to every expectation society has of you. You have to be that.
Women – Try to overcome every expectation society has of you. You’re better than that.
Yes! I was thinking that very thing after I read them both, RJ. Well articulated, you.
Well said.
I think there’s a fundamental assumption underlying these types of articles: that a marriage with the eventuality of children is the one true way. Of course then, a boy is defined as a male unfocused and unprepared for this lifestyle, and a man is a male who is established and looking for this lifestyle.
I know what my values are. I know where I am and where I want to be in life. I compartmentalized steps needed to get where I want to be. I meet most of the “requirements” of a “man,” save for desire for a committed relationship.
Whoever wrote this piece has been suckered by the Hallmark, over-romanticized, and aphoristic world we live in without understanding the assumptions that underlie their opinions. In a word, ignorance. This cliche-riddled list does a disservice to women by victimizing them and removing their inherent choice in the matter. My not-so-humble recommendation: Stop creating your standards from the Victorian era/Disney movies and understand the assumptions that drive your decision-making to improve that very ability.
These projections simply lead astray those who have their grounded interpretation of who they are and their place in the world as it stands in objective reality known to themselves. The epistemology is sound in the mind of a person regardless of gender or what an article believes one is or is not be due to having the ability of obtaining an erection being the major difference— objectively speaking.
This list is full of criteria which are entirely subjective.
I’d also like to point out it’s biased against jungian “T” type men, who are NATURALLY ALOOF, not becuase they don’t love or respect you but because of their fundamental personality. That same approach helps them advance in their careers, makes them (statistically) superior providers, and provides emotional “F” types who are open to it a very level-headed perspective to help reason through their most overwhelming problems.
I’d say the only point I agree with dead-on would be points 3 and 9, but then again, I’m a T type, so I consider salient debate a quality sorely lacking in today’s “Modern Women” — not one has measured up to my great aunt.
Toughts:
1 – A man knows what he wants and goes for it:
Response:
A black&white view on life is the primary characteristic of a simple, juvenile mind. It’s one thing to have no direction, its another to proudly proclaim any man who does not have a rigid ideology is not worth it. On the contrary, sending your readers after rigid ideologues sounds like a recipe for failure. I find two people fit the criteria above: Teenagers and fanatics. Both are not pleasant people to date for either gender.
2 – planning for your future and living in the moment are not mutually exclusive. This also applies to women – I hope the author is practicing what she preaches, and I don’t just mean looking for a man who has done it for her.
3 – agreed: dead on!
4 – Nobody is 100% correct, and the problem with today’s legal environment is the price to men for “getting it wrong” is DIRE:
For approach: We now have such strict anti-harassment laws that, in practice, a man better know ahead of time whether a lady fancies him, otherwise he’ll be carted off and his career destroyed for the “crime” of “flirting while ugly”. Mixed signals are very dangers.. but only to men.
For marriage: “getting it wrong” means 18 years of child support, the loss of the majority of their worldly assets, the alienation of their children, and, if they’re really unlucky, further requirement of lifetime alimony.
It’s only natural for rational men to be skittish in this kind of environment.. the jack**es don’t care about the above.. they’re just going to pump n dump anyway.
5 — “A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. ”
What I as a man who has experienced conversations referenced here is that this is a recrimination. The vast majority of the time, “uncomfortable conversations” is a code word for nagging and emotional blackmail for daring to refuse to conform to controlling behavior. I don’t try to control women, I ignore and avoid similar behavior from them.
6 – about “investing in a woman” ,please see my response to answer 4. The penalty for trusting and getting it wrong is DIRE. Women need to be cognizant of this and make the effort to make a good man feel SAFE.
7 – “A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life.”
The author dislikes introvert home-bodies. Got it. (this is subjective).
8 – On a man taking time to establish his moral compass.
This is digging into the highly debatable realm of morality. This statement is useless for any individual case. I’d hope whoever takes it to heart chooses to debate rather than judge their prospective men.
9 – No real argument here, so long as men are not brow-beaten when the woman doesn’t like the realities which impeded his ability to deliver.
10 – A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
LADIES: on point 10: you dictate if relationships start, YOU should not depend upon men to put themselves forward. If you like a guy, you should make it clear to him! I could throw point 10 right back at you!
reaction 1 – Harassment laws make it illegal to flirt on penalty of destruction of one’s career and therefore financial life, therefore men should be the ones to step forward and flirt? … Got it.
reaction 2 – Ok, the author HATES introvert home-bodies. Got it.
reaction 3 – This is a common double-standard and one-sided approach to relations from a female perspective. I could easily call out that a real woman knows what she wants, is not afraid of rejection, and will reach out to break the ice.
reaction 4 – Any man who can observe his way out of a paper bag knows women dictate the pace of a relationship, including if it starts.
I agree with intelligent man. Why do I need women except to satisfy one urge. Sex is just an urge, making love is something that Disney is made up. To quote Bill Engvall, “A man needs Food, Water, and Sex….Heck I have done all three in my truck…..by myself….”
1. I can cook, bake, grill, smoke, broil, fry, boil my food. Most girls I dated in my age range of 25-35+ can’t even cook and expect me to cook for them. I will use a line you women tell us guys “What am I, your servant?” If I can cook, why do I need you for? If you cook, I clean, If you wash the dishes, I dry the dishes or vice versa. No dead beat women in my kitchen.
2. I decide when to eat and what to eat. No more debates of what to eat and hearing a woman’s typical answer of “I don’t know?”
3. Laundry gets done by myself, Trash gets taken out, Car gets serviced and maintained. I have no nagging shrill voice reminding me in a rude SIRI manner.
4. I sleep when I feel like it and wake up when I feel like it. I am on time at my job to work. While seeing those single moms dragging in and making excuses of taking little dependent #5 to the school.
5. I never have to beg for sex, thanks to Leykis 101 I have a bull pen of broads I call when I want some action. I dont have to buy you dinners, I call and say the following “What time are you having dinner? 7pm, great! How bout we meet up for drinks around 9” I just robbed you of dinner. A few drinks in you, so you women can have plausible deniability and we are both of to the races.
To recap. I can cook, clean, have sex on tap, what is your purpose of living with me women? Other than trying to change who I am, getting your hand in my wallet and draining me financially with kids, child support, divorce, lifetime alimony. Name ONE Financial Benefit for us guys to marry any woman? There is none.
If I want to have kids I will pay for a surrogate to have my kids. You single ladies and gay couples do it. Why not single straight men. Then I don’t have to pay for child support and I have 100% of the decisions over the child you single moms have. Guys are waking up and using the same rules you feminist, “Independent” women are you using to your advantage. We may be late to the game but we are catching up. Enjoy your older years single with kids and cats. I will be with younger girls that want to be with an older man.