When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
‘A man of tomorrow is forced by battle today’
When you are ready become a man you will always be the one who take charge in all situation.
I love this! And this is totally fitting in my life right now 🙂
Would you mind if I put a link back to this at the end of one of my blog posts?
I’m not sure how the OP is qualified to tell me what being a real man is all about. She doesn’t have testosterone coursing through her veins 24/7, and was ostensibly not raised as a boy in modern society. To paraphrase Bill Burr, that’s like me writing an article entitled ‘The 3rd Trimester And What To Expect’.
I think this is partly true but I don’t think that’s it’s made as a rule of thumb, based on this a guy works constantly and barely goes out unless it’s with family.
I think this whole statement is actually the princess syndrome you’re talking about yourself, I think if you love someone you do the very best you can man, boy, girl or woman it’s also very wrong to judge someone if they don’t find your statement correct or fitting.
Love is love, life is life everyone has there’s own ideals and morals don’t judge them by your double standards. When who you want to be means your being fake and mistaken if your just you then that’s all you need to be and that it’s self is the understanding of self worth!
Wow…so true. For both sides, it sheds light on a lot in my life right now…I do have to admit that while mostly mature I myself have areas I need to grow in. And doing so while dating someone much younger than me both physically and mentally is not very helpful.
This is a simplistic view of men in general. Men can be hurt just as much as women can and as a result have fears and insecurities that plague us and our psyche. Before you look for a “man” instead of a “boy” make sure you are ready for the former as if you are not you will just end up hurting him and causing him to revert to a “boy” as you so lamely put it. Don’t be sucked into the idea that there are two kinds of guys out there, and half the time the guys you consider “boys” are only acting the way they are because some “girl” thought she was ready for the intensity and honesty mentioned in this simplistic article and ended up woefully unprepared to be in an adult relationship thus the man is left battered and bruised emotionally and copes with it by closing himself off more and more from the opposite sex as it happens more and more. The cycle continues until he is nothing but a jackass with an upside-down visor on his head and empty PBR cans on top of his cabinets. Just saying this is a bit one-sided.
The boy/man dichotomy is a myth. These are concepts, not facts, and while it’s all well and good to have one’s standards and require that they be met, asserting them as objective facts rather than subjective preferences is harmful to anyone who gives this article any weight at all. A man cannot be measured like a meter, and neither can a woman. “Natural standards” can’t be resorted to either; what a thriving species, or more narrowly a thriving family, requires fluctuates by context. Should your standards apply to the Tibetan man? How “career-oriented” should the men of Jamaica be? Is a man defined by his career? The subjective standards here are also unfair: the list implicitly suggests that when a man presents any sort of flaw, that man fails to be worth calling a man. It seems the writer has intentionally ignored the fact that men are human too; they present all the fickleness, arbitrariness, insecurity (in short, the imperfections) of any human. “A good man knows a good woman when he sees one?” With that sort of advice, every man who has divorced a cheating wife would be advised that he is not a man, since he should have known better; a real man simply would. “A real man looks for a woman with intelligence (etc)?” That belittles both men and women who don’t value the listed attributes the way the writer does; a man should pass up a loving woman with a wild, thrilling edge over a supportive, and more intelligent, but cold, loveless and listless career-woman (what list leaves out ‘loving’ for determining what any subcategory of human should be?) That loving and caring woman is also less worthy of a ‘real man,’ apparently. I need only suggest the author look at the happy families around her to see if they all of necessity share the same priority of values that she does. I would bet many happy families in fact find their whole in the imperfections she so disparages. These standards are not set by science or God, and I don’t appreciate how they are portrayed that way.
A man would understand that anyone else’s definition of a man other than his own is irrelevant.
Exactly.
Well said!
I look at it like this. we dudes all have both behaviors. we act like boys, we act like men . it’s completely possible and plausible that young boy can act more like a man, and that an old man can act like a boy.
I believe the diference between us becomes manifested in the obstacles we have to face in life.
However, when it comes to dating…especially now days…theres such an overwhelming variety of interaction with so many different people that the best strategy is to love yourself and learn to understand your own needs, instead of focusing intently on your wants. it’s a matter of changing your attitude from guessing…to knowing.
Though some of these points are true, in comparison to the article about women, the man’s article is terribly misdirected. Definitely can tell it was written by a woman, maybe even a, dare I say it, girl. The woman’s points, according to this delusional author, are centered around bold principles. The man’s points, again, in the opinion of this poor scarred girl, are centered around committing to a woman, not around bold principles. So according to this author, a woman can be a woman without a man. But a man cant be a man without a woman.
Spot on here. This is more a projection about what this woman wants from a man. A man sets his own path and is beholden to no concept of who he should be.
“A man sets his own path and is beholden to no concept of who he should be.” – Thanks for giving me something to add to my white board..
Very true – to those ladies *and* girls who are reading this, please understand what Ken is saying. If you’ve read the Ladies article, you’ll see that 1 or possibly 2 distinguishing factors are based on interaction with a male counterpart. I’m sure most women reading that article will agree with the content of all 10 ideas.
You have 7 or 8 ideas on *this* article that is centered around female interaction, which is ludicrous. You don’t talk about HIS family (before a woman enters it), his relationships with other males, what he gives back to his community, and he faces rough times.
So true. After reading the first two, I assumed it was written by a woman and being shared by other like minded women that are more focused on the men they have ran into than what they are doing to keep running into these types of men.