When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
…I just want to mention that–at least in MY experience–pretty much EEEEVERY single one of these points could apply not just to MEN (or boys…or just males in general), but to WOMEN (or girls…or just females in general) as well. :\
Not saying ALL are like that, but that’s been my experience…
Lately, I’ve tried to be more “mannish”, in hopes that it may bring me more success with the opposite sex….negative. :\ I think I was doing better as a passive, reticulated, “Let’s go get f*cked up!!” “boy” rather a man…
Anyway, once again, I say of all of this to say–by paraphrasing Einstein–“It’s all relative”. 😛
1) This article wasn’t written to bash men, in fact she wrote another article (almost) identical to this one about women
2) Why not take this article as an opportunity to be enlightened, instead of shifting the attention to women
3) What do you call “success with the opposite sex?” A relationship that lasts 6 months?
So true! Its good to see that women are actually attracted to the qualities of a man.
Thanks Lorin!
A boy never admits that he makes mistakes. A man accepts that he has made a mistake and does whatever he needs to do to fix it.
I’d love to read the “dating a girl vs. woman” version.
Let’s see….
1) A woman knows what she wants, and it’s a realistic man, not a fairy tale soap opera guy.
2) A woman plans for her future and doesn’t wait until her biological time clock is ticking loud enough to be heard across the room to stop chasing “bad boys” and shallow pretty boys.
3) A woman looks for a man with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values, and not just for someone who makes a ton of dough and can provide a nice lifestyle for her.
4) A woman knows a good man when she meets one and will take initiative not to send him to the “friend zone”, because he’s not 100% of what her dream man is.
5) A woman has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations, without yelling, pouting, blackmailing, crying and throwing temper tantrums.
6) A woman knows when to invest in a man, jump in with both heels and stop looking for the next hot guy to catch her eye.
7) A woman knows how to have a good time and be social, but doesn’t need to party with the girls like they are still in college.
8) A woman takes time to reflect on the type of woman she wants to be, and it’s not an obnoxious self-absorbed one like so many reality TV and movie stars.
9) A woman has integrity. She chooses her words carefully and never asks a man “What are you thinking?” or “Do I look fat?”
10) A woman is afraid of rejection but will not act as if her world is ending an become a man hater because the one time she made the first move, the guy rejected her.
11) A girl plays games. A woman plays with her man.
An interesting and provocative read, though a more correct title might be, “Dating an alpha male Vs. the other 95% of the male population.” Filled with several moments of unintended hilarity, it’s superficial tone well matches any comparable “woman” list from male publications such as GQ or Sports Illustrated.
it is interesting how this list is quite similar to the list “…girl vs. woman” but has one very obvious difference. the list above starts by saying how a man acts then goes on to difference men from boys (in all but one bullet point), whereas the feminine counterpart list starts by saying how a girl acts and seems to highlight the negative aspects of femininity. is this a gender bias on behalf of the author? who is the author?
i think it might be better to frame this whole subject in terms of who is an asshole and who is a good person, given that both genders are prone to all of these character flaws. oh, and it’s 2013, people are going to date other people of the same gender and there are more than just two genders.
Well said.
Ugh, this is why dating is such a failure. We try to fit people into categories, find your love it’s that simple, each man is supposed to be uniquely himself and each woman the same. It’s absurd to think that if I act like any of the boy descriptions or act like any of the man descriptions I’m any more or less of a man. I’m the man I want to be, I live my own life, support my own self and do what I want to do, if/when I meet a girl that takes my hand and wants to be at my side then so be it, till then I’m just going to keep being the best man I can be, just like I would expect the woman for me to be the best woman she can be. To each their own tho, either figure it out for your self or keep following someone else’s search criteria.
Very insightful stuff! I was glad to see that there is a lot of fair content in this, although some “men” may do a lot of what “boys” would do as well. At least for me, I know where I stand in regards to this post.
Yea except that sometimes, a man doesn’t want to build the “American Dream” for his family. Sometimes a man wants to live in the woods and provide for himself and live a simple life.
Obviously this was written by a girl who is writing down qualities of a male that she wants to see, and considers her taste to be what a man is.
Not saying most of these qualities are honorable traits. Just saying that sometimes a man doesn’t have to be interested in setting up a career and having a family. He can be just as honorable and masculine living on his own by his own decision not needing to play the game of money and bullshit.
This is from a woman’s perspective. While I don’t disagree with the information above, a real man should be the one writing how a gentleman conducts himself.