When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
I hate it when girls that are like 23 post this bullshit. I’m only 19 and I’m a boy. I’m going to play mind games, i’m not going to make commitments, and i’m going after the hottest, sexiest bimbo at the party. Why? Because I need this to grow up. So please! Guys and Girls! don’t grow up to fast. Make mistakes! have fun now because we have the rest of our lives to grow up. But only a limited time to be kids.
I have to strongly disagree with your comments. While the author’s list is in no way a criteria search list for everyone, she is generally very right about her description between “boys” and “men.”
Just because you’re only 19 doesn’t justify why you should not start growing up and remain a “boy.” It isn’t just about the number that’s attached to your age.
1. The reason that people your age tend to do those stuff that you mentioned is because they don’t know better. Therefore, it IS a learning process in which they only MAY grow out of. Like the author says, some people will never grow up.
2. The very fact you are reading this and have agreed what makes up a “boy”, makes you the WORST of the lot. There is no such thing as growing up too fast, there is only such thing as not growing, and by knowing very well what you have to do for that, and choosing otherwise, you are being stagnant.
3. You don’t have time to make all the mistakes in the world and learn from them, so learning from people who have gone through life will help you enormously. I’m just 3 years older than you, but I don’t regret one single bit of not fooling around with relationships when I was in my teens.
p.s. You said “make mistakes.” If you know it’s a mistake and you still do it, then that’s nothing but stupidity.
Peace
Jeremy
Tend to agree with Voards Hudson. Not all men strive to be a Hugo Boss alpha male. Sounds like a strong movie protagonist though.
I think this is good, I agree but isn’t a man like this we find in someone with a family. I say in respect that my guy friends and us women or girls (whatever) don’t really know what to do with life until a certain age. i mean experience is the best teacher, you can’t expect to find a man without finding him somewhere in the social crowd. I for one if you are trying to find a man with most of these criteria i say u are finding a man with a family. a man who has settled down. being a woman is very hard in the being girl vs a woman topic. i am a girl but trying to learn to become a woman. is that wrong? help me out.
Not knowing what to do with life is still fine. Having no direction in life is a sin. They are 2 different things.
And the very fact you acknowledge you’re a “girl” trying to learn to become a “woman”, shows clearly you’re a woman. It’s not so much whatever you are, but whether there is a desire to see growth in the process!
Hope that helps
Jeremy
Pris, this was my problem with these blog’s too…
There is nothing wrong with being a boy or a girl, nature runs its course and we straighten things out eventually.
There is a jar for every lid!
Just because I might be a boy to one woman doesn’t mean to say I won’t be a man in the eyes of another woman, this seems like a very direct and bias blog, but then I could be reading it negatively, it could have been written just to encourage young women to open their eyes. The way it is written seems to me that it is for girls.
Don’t worry we’ll all figure it out in good time. Enjoy making the mistakes that help us grow! 🙂
I’m a boy/man.. this highlights some weaknesses of mine. good article. Part of me says it’s unrealistic to find someone that has all 10 points figured out.. unless he comes from great parental upbringing and a wealth of experiences and mistakes. We’re all a work in progress (including women).
I’ll disagree with all of these save for7, 8, 9 and 10. The six before and one after that are much more reliant on personality and unfortunately preference does not equate to fact.
A man may know what he wants, but might not always go after it. Sometimes other priorities bar desire. Sometimes a man, may know what he wants holds little or no cohesion to his life and wont pursue it because he’s thinking ahead.
Not all men want families, this is true especially in upcoming generations and its a trend across both genders. Fewer people are wanting children and it has to do more with the perception of where the world is heading than it does maturity and dodging commitment.
A man’s preference in women are his own. What he looks for in a woman -can- give insight as to how mature he is, but all women are different and all men have different tastes. Also, most everyone enjoys attractive, social, exciting people.
Romance has no road map, what works with one person might repulse another – some people like to play chase, some people like wine and dine, some people jump right into sex. Whether or not someone knows how to go about this strange social dance we know as courtship doesn’t really have anything to do with maturity.
Number 5 would have been best left as “A man has courage.” Some of the most uncomfortable conversations I’ve ever been in have come from unafraid, unashamed young adults who have no qualms letting people know where they stand on the subject.
Im going to go out on a limb and say the phrase “jumping in with two feet” is an allusion to marriage. Basing maturity on preference on marriage is a completely dubious view to hold. Many people choose not to marry for many other reasons besides them “not really being ready to commit because they’re not mature enough.” Marriage isn’t what it used to be, its much more financial, political and judiciary involved – which on its own makes a majority of people scoff at it. Some people are against it for (anti?)religious reasons, some people just aren’t comfortable with it. The reasons are many, but it someone is able seriously talk about marriage and either make a decision for or against it, I’d say thats a point towards maturity.
Also just a tip: If you believe a male is “play mind games with you.” chances are:
1. You’re reading too much into it. Males are very simple, our cards for the most part are out on the table as it were. The obvious answer is probably the right one.
2. They are and they might be socially inexperienced or are a cunning sociopath and it’d be in your best interest to drop contact.
The rest is great.
It’s funny how I am a boy, yet attracted to women.
This was supposed to be funny. It had to be.
Is the author the unknown comic or the unqualified sociologist? (Hell, I wouldn’t sign my name to this either)
Thank god that there is a progression to life for males, females and their always developing personalities.
But men are complete and made of steel. They have no need for further changes. (and god forbid if they do change)
No doubt the crucible which forged a “man” made sure he would be bullet proof yet sensitive – made perfect just for the “woman” who wrote this rich and useful guide. 😛
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
This…. and same applies to the ladies…