When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
“One difference between.dating a girl and a women”:
#1. A girl has a list of things she thinks defines a man.
A man knows how to spell “Woman while a boy does not.
The way that man and a boy is differentiated is very clear and unbiased. At some points I would agree and at some i don’t. Every man has his own personality, though to others there’s a general idea of what a man and a boy is. This is a good reference to all the people interested in what they seek but still life still is a mystery to each and everyone of us, people should be classified as stereotype because of their commonality to others, its because of our individuality. We maybe a man and a boy at the same time, this just means that we aren’t just matured or childish, were both. Thank you for the information it’s helpful.
This is complete BS. Not only does this sound like a women’s fantasy, but this is so wrong. EVERY PERSON ON THIS PLANET IS DIFFERENT. For example I am a shy and like to keep to myself. Why? Because I am a humble man that knows what I want, who I am, and doesn’t need to go out of my way to prove I’m more man than others. Does this make me less of a man? I also believe that words mean nothing, actions is what makes you a man. For example you can talk/brag about all the fights you’ve been in or how many you won, but me i won’t say a word about my wrestling, mma and karate training.. or the women I saw about to be raped by 5 guys one night, until i stepped in and put up enough of a fight so the cops could arrive.. Yes i got my ass whooped but i saved a person from a traumatizing act of violence and denied all praise. Thats what makes you a man. I can sit in a damn Warehouse of people and not talk to a single one, but if theres a house on fire, a car crash or any type of disaster, you best believe i well be the first to act and control everything around me even if it is a danger to my life……
That is what i believe a real man is.. a person who in an instant is ready to lose everything for nothing….
I know women that are more of a man then some of the guys i know. i know homosexual guys that are more men the most men. They unlike most of use have faced the people that can hurt them the most and told the truth.
So instead of letting this women who doesn’t know shit about life tell you what a man is, beware that a man can come in any shape, size, color or gender. And that it is your decision to be you, to be who and whatever you please.
P.S. Sorry for the terrible grammar i just don’t care its a post online lol and I am a 21 year old man.
Peace Bitches!!!
i respected your post until the ‘Peace Bitches’ part.
if you’re going to make a statement, stand by it to the end.
if people were to condemn you for your opinion,
let them.
face them.
rise above them.
don’t act and/or talk tough, just to take everything back in the end by saying: ‘Peace Bitches’.
it’s the same as saying:
‘i disagree with you. please don’t get mad.’
if they get offended, let them.
cause real men know what the fuck they’re talking about and when to say it.
own it.
While I agree that every individual grows up at their own pace and has their own definition of what a “man” or “woman” is, that doesn’t make this post wrong. I agree with most of these points, because I’ve dated boys who act that way, even at the age of 23. It’s not that it’s wrong to be that way- they will grow up in their own time. But for a woman who is ready for a reliable relationship, anyone acting with any of the characteristics of a boy listed above will not meet her standards and the relationship will fail. She’s not saying that every man will have every one of those traits down, or that all boys have none of those mature traits, but that in most cases, those are the bigger signs of the difference.
As for your post- If it’s too much trouble to put in the effort to write properly (because speaking proper english is too much trouble for you), then you don’t need to even say anything. And if you feel such a strong need to sit here and loudly disagree with someone, to say how you’re an example of a young guy who is a “man,” but you spout nonsense like “peace, bitches!” then you’re really not mature enough, regardless of age, honey.
These values don’t seem that unreal. It’s not like the list says that us men all have to be superhumans or something. It’s just saying to follow through with your promises, have a defined future that you work towards, and don’t be scared to stand by your values.
In short, I really don’t see why you’re upset. You seem to be trolling if anything.
Nicely said!
I enjoyed reading your article. The differences between a boy and a man was clear. It’s nice to come across blogs like this.
I would agree on the majority of these. Im dating a man and its the first man and only man who I can say “I love you” to while looking him in the eye. I myself have had a complicated early childhood. I have dated a boy and it was really hard cause at the time although I didnt see it then I was trying to escape from things in my life. I ended up marrying him and he turned out to be more interested in his mates and another woman as well as spending money on games. There is a difference between a man and a boy and you can see it quiet clearly. Men are allowed to go out with mates but they also care about there other half. They value an opinion. And there allowed to have a personality.
i find it subjective.
a man is a man if he meets the woman’s definition of a man.
a boy is a boy if he does not.
each woman,
depending on how she was raised,
the kind of education she had,
the environment she grew up in,
the community she belongs,
the friendships she developed,
the priorities she has set,
will have a different definition
of what a man is.
hmmm…first I thought it was nice article, but when I saw people opinion…I think They have some good points. make some definition sometimes trap us just to see only what we want to see. maybe, if I made definition about what should a person deserve call a man…maybe, I end up trapping my self to what I want to believe..is it rite?
but…then what shoud I believe about man??
hahahahaha #absurd mind#
PS: Sorry for my grammar ;p
Point 7: “A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.”
Did I miss a major part of being a kidult? I don’t have the beginnings of an idea on how you get to “crunk” stage. 🙂
everyone has a good point.
this isn’t the definition of any and all man, nor is the other post defining any and all “women.”
correction:
*the difference between a boy and a STRONG man.
*the difference between a girl and a STRONG woman.
Sure seems like not a lot of thought went into this list, i read the “Girl vs Woman” version first and it seems to be more thought out, the excuse for many of these seems to be, “he’s at the bar with his friends” isn’t that something women are always complaining about, even in marriage, i think this list needs a do over