When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
Everyone who keeps referring to #11 and talking about video games, you obviously have no idea how to utilize context clues. She’s talking about romantic relationships between a male and female. When she said “player” earlier in the article, did you realize that she was referencing the type of male who toys with a girls feelings and mainly thinks with his dick, not a gamer who lives with a controller in his hand? Yes? So, why would you now assume she’s talking about X-Box 360? In regards to relationships playing games equates some form of emotional and/or mental manipulation, however slight.
Now that I got that out of my system, I think this was a good article. The world is not so black and white, but to quote Pirates of the Caribbean, “They’re more like guidelines than actual rules.” You can bend them, or choose to not follow some. It’s up to you.
I think a person should have a decent grasp on the person they are before they think of getting into a relationship. Relationships demand sacrifices from both parties involved. If a person isn’t at least roughly certain of what he/she wants, he/she could end up unknowingly sacrificing something important and that can lead to regrets. You don’t need to have everything figured out already. Like a lot of commenters have said, no male possesses all of the “man” qualities Amy mentioned. Part of being in a relationship is helping each other grow as individuals and reach his/her dreams. That isn’t possible if parties already are “men” or “women” and have everything figured out.
Kai,
Thank you for reading, your supportive response and your feedback.
Much appreciated. =)
Thank you Amy for the enlightening post.
I used to consider myself as having grown up to be a man already. But after reading this and doing some internal checks, I find myself still the “playing games type”. I am in total agreement of the traits which men should have in order to be called “a man”, and this is a great push for me to work in that direction.
Point 11. It’s very subjective, since games are suited to all ages. Family games? What kind of games do you mean anyway.
I sincerely hope by games you mean “relationship” games. Video games would just make this whole post a joke.
anyway. I agree women deserve men like these. Then again, not many women exist nowadays right? more often than not girls reject boys who become men who in turn reject the same girls, and the girls become desperate due to shelf life etc etc.
Men deserve women, women deserve men. but lets not get confused on which distinction we classify ourselves before we set our own standards eh? =)
FYI: usually the ugly, short, underwhelming guys turn out to be the hardest working and the most focused. guess how they would feel reading this post.
„At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was“. That´s the important part in your sentence. Would you´ve met a nice guy with 20 you wouldn´t stay with him because you wanted to experience sth. Young guys are stunned. You refuse them because they are considered as to weak and a long continuing relationship falls through. Generally girls experience earlier then boys and they have to catch up that „lead“. A woman telling a men she had coitus with 10 men till now doesn´t want to face a nice guy saying oh my that´s alot I had two till now. No, she wants a man who can laugh and say I heard different storys that’s no prob 😉 Young man are doomed to wait till u grew up and know what you want. You harden them, you fuck them up, you turn them into men. And either they fuck around for 5-10 years till you know what you want or they wait…
Entertaining read, but seems like a typical “Things-you-need-to-know-about-men-written-by-some-woman” article 😛
My next blog: “10 types of sandwiches your woman is dying for you to ask her make”.
so all rich men are boys? they have many wives, mistresses and cars?? they still dont know what they want or want everything
Let’s say.. if we don’t look at Amy’s post as men and boys.. or women and girls..
Can we look at it as grown ups and children? Are we all living our lives truly as an adult?
Many times we end up making decisions with the mindset of a child or the mindset of a teenager. Allow me to explain further before any of you jump to any conclusions.
What’s your childhood like? Was it a happy one? Did you have to worry about food? Did you have to fight for attention with your siblings, your parents busy work schedule etc?
What’s your teenage life like? Was it happy? Was it awkward? Did you have to constantly struggle to fit in?
I am setting the stage here for my long long comment
A child – someone that doesn’t have to fend for themselves, throws a tantrum to get what they want if they don’t get it. Food is fed, water is provided, lodging is provided and if all else fails, they throw a tantrum
A teenager – someone that is moving from a child’s stage to an adult. Very confused individual who probably has an idea what he wants to do but don’t know how to get there. Pacing back and forth between being a child and trying to be an adult.
I would like to then make my point regarding Amy’s 11 points.
1. A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
I would say it this way
An adult is clear of what they want in order to be happy and knows exactly how to get there.
A child does not have to learn how to get what they want, they throw a tantrum to get what they want.
A teenager tries to get what they want, probably has an idea what they want to be happy, but is willing to go with what the majority thinks is good, and settle to get approval but they are not happy because it is not what they want. Sometimes may throw a tantrum as they are in between the stage of being a child and an adult.
2. A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life). A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
An adult has the blueprint mapped out to get to where they want to be.
A child, lives in the moment because they have no worries.
A teenager, is struggling to be an adult but yet is still a child at heart. They have an idea in mind, but unable to map out the exact blueprint to get there. Then sometimes gets stuck and decides to “live” in the moment like a child (aka party like crazy every weekend). Sometimes throw a tantrum to try and get out of the situation. Can’t decide how to behave at times.
That’s not to say that an adult doesn’t drink and party. Many of us are adults at different aspects of our lives and sometimes it is okay to let go and party and have fun, as long as you know that you are being a responsible adult
3. A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
An adult is attracted to someone that they want in their life. The partner may be intelligent, may be ordinary and whatsoever. Pretty, ugly, grounded, materialistic, good or bad but it is what the adult want in their life.
A teenager, may not know what kind of people they want in their life, but they have an idea. so they try, trial and error. And that’s where we learn. We learn through our experiences in relationship, career to know what is good and what is not good. That’s part of our learning curve in life.
A child, doesn’t bother about who is in their life. What is most important is their parents, because their parents take care of them and provide them with everything they need. And that’s where people starts getting attracted to partners that are like their parents – good and bad inclusive.
4. A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
An adult knows what they want in their life and they have the exact plan to make it work. So when the right person appears (right in this sense means the person they have in mind), they will do what it takes to make the person stay in their life. Male and Female inclusive.
A teenager, may or may not know what they want, so they are at the stage where they are struggling if they should make an attempt or if they should not. well actually, since as a teenager, you still have time, so you wait it out. This person doesn’t work out, next please.
A child, doesn’t care. Or should i say, if the potential right person that appears is like their father or their mother, they will chase. Because they want their parents still. To be very present in their life.
5. A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
An adult knows what they want and knows what to do to get there. Therefore if you are not part of the plans (honest with intentions and telling people where they stand), they will tell you because it is very clear to them, you don’t fit in the plans they have for the future.
A Teenager, isn’t even sure if you are the one that they want. That’s why they do not know what to tell anyone. Asking for commitment from a person who doesn’t know what they want, i don’t think they even know who they truly are because they are at the stage where they are still seeking and trying to establish their real identity. And when push comes to shove, they will give you an answer you want to hear, i am not that into you or i don’t want a relationship
now.
A child, doesn’t want anyone except for their parents. And throws a tantrum when the partner doesn’t provide what they want or by the time they want it. It’s impossible to conduct a conversation with a child – the child only know they want to get something, they must get it. If they don’t get it, they will throw a tantrum.
6. A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
Refer to my answer for point 5.
7. A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
Refer to my answer for point 2
8. A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
Refer to point 5.
9. A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
Refer to point 5.
10. A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
An adult is sure of what they want, so failure rates are accounted for in their plan. Everyone is afraid of failures, but they know it is part and parcel of their plans. Calculated risk.
A Teenager on the other hand, doesn’t know how to get there. If they don’t know how to get there, they are just going through life, while trying to seek clarity, and move from the child’s stage. Since they don’t know how to get there, everything that happens, be it good or bad, has an element of surprise. And because they are also learning how to be an adult, they struggle with maintaining an adult’s composure, and yet at the same time, feeling really confused inside, trying to stop themselves from throwing a tantrum (they are used to it as a child) to get out of the bad situation.
A child, just throw tantrums and someone (their parents) will get them out of the situation. And if this is present as an adult, their partners will get them out of the situation. If it is a man stuck in a child stage, the wife will get him out of the situation. If it is a female stuck in a child’s stage, the husband will get her out of the situation.
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
I have to say this, that an adult doesn’t play mind games because they are very sure of what they want in their life. Mind games, are played with people with the similar mindset. If not, how do you know they are playing mind games?
I am sorry for the lengthy note, but my point here is simple.
All of us may be stuck in different aspects of our lives in different stages. It is important for us to realise it and also, good awareness for people around us. Many times when you realise the person that is kicking up a big fuss behaves like a child, use the way you would to deal with a child to deal with the person. You realise the method works wonders.
Of course i have also cut out certain comments that i had initially drafted regarding our childhood and how the way our parents handled us in different situations sculpted us to be who we are and how we behave towards certain situations. Everything in our childhood plays a part in our adulthood now so it is important to identify at what stage we are when certain issues arise.
Just my humble two cents worth and it may not be agreeable to all, but it did open my mind when i first read about this and became aware of myself and i gain a lot of knowledge and self awareness.. 🙂
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