I never thought that the cultural background of a dating prospect would make much of a difference when it came to relationships. However, since living in New York, I’ve had the opportunity to meet many different people from various backgrounds and it’s become clear that there are definite cultural norms specific to European men versus American men (especially New Yorkers). I’m not to judge that one is better than the other, and mind you, my observations are based on my own experiences as well as a group of women I’ve interviewed in the last two years. The below is a list of some of the themes and commonalities observed. Now, when I discuss the differences between European and American, I’m referring to a mindset. You can very well be born in America but have a more “European” mindset and vice versa.
1. European men aren’t just aiming to score. American men on the other hand, tend to be goal oriented, with the aim of getting laid. Perhaps this ‘score mentality’ is for bragging rights, perhaps it’s for validation so they can feel wanted and desired, or perhaps it’s a pure ego play. American men will rush to get you in bed as quick as possible, while European men don’t appear to have the same rush (or desperation).
2. European men don’t ‘date’ – in the formal way that Americans are used to. The types of dates seen in movies – the formal ask, the fancy dinner and the entire dance that ensues simply doesn’t exist in the European mindset, in fact, the word “dating” isn’t even a part of their lexicon. Sure, they will go out for dinner and do fun activities, but it’s not packaged up in a formal and contrived manner.
3. European men aren’t into labelling. Unlike American culture, where there’s almost a rite of passage which takes two people from “hooking up” to “seeing each other” to “dating” to “exclusive”, these labels just aren’t a focus or concern for European men. They don’t over analyze the situation. Rather, the mentality is, “I like you, I want to see you, and if it’s enjoyable, let’s keep seeing each other”. It’s more organic and instead of defining the relationship in order to know how to act, they let the relationship unfold and the label of boyfriend/girlfriend just naturally develops in the process.
4. European men are comfortable with women, which leads to respect for women. Perhaps this has to do with their upbringing, where it’s very normal for boys and girls to play and intermingle together. They grow up developing friendships with the opposite sex and in turn, develop more empathy and understanding of the opposite sex. In American culture, there is a clear segregation of the sexes, boys play with boys and do boy things and girls do the same. Then these boys grow up and are exposed to the opposite sex in an abrupt, often sexualized way. The consequence of this is a lack of understanding of women, a lack of comfort and often, a lack of respect.
5. European men are raised to have great manners. This is definitely seen in how they treat not only women, but everyone around them. There is a courtesy, consideration, chivalry and thoughtfulness in how they act, behave and engage with others. They are also raised with strong family and community values, so there is a sense of responsibility and accountability for others, not just for the self. American culture raises children to be fiercely independent and to look out for ‘number one’. This breeds a generation of men who have habits of looking after their own needs versus the needs of the collective.
6. Europeans don’t get their sexual education from porn. For example, in the Netherlands, comprehensive sexuality education starts at age four. In America, sexual education is not taught until one hits their teens, if they are taught at all. The topic is still taboo and filled with shame. It’s no surprise that American men are left to their own devices, subconsciously learning about sex through porn and the media.
“Many American men are getting their sexual education from porn.”
7. European men do not “ghost”. Instead of cruelly dismissing someone by disappearing, they communicate that they are not interested. Again, this comes down to respect and manners.
8. European men have a different perception of beauty. As the media in Europe is a lot more heavily monitored, Europeans grow up surrounded by media and images of women who are curvy, comfortable in their own skin, and sensual (versus overly sexualized). The latest law passed in France where excessively skinny models need to prove their health is a testament to that. But when you’re surrounded by American media, filled with Barbie dolls, waif skinny models and Baywatch breasts, the idea of what ‘beauty’ is becomes skewed.
9. European men have a quiet confidence, a demeanor that doesn’t need to scream out loud to prove themselves. The American way is loud and even arrogant at times.
10. American men like to date around. The dating culture involves trying out many different options at the same time. Call it the revolving door or hedging – there’s the idea in the American approach to dating that there’s always something better around the corner. With European men, if there’s mutual interest, they keep seeing that person and don’t keep hunting for better options simultaneously. The dynamic may or may not move into a serious relationship, but they are not trying to gather other options or back up plans in case it doesn’t.
11. European men don’t play games. Nor will they freak out when discussions of commitment or future come up. Americans (both men and women) have been socialized to play games, to act unavailable, to wait a particular amount of time before texting back… There are a set of ritualized rules that are abided by in American dating culture, and if you don’t play within them, you are labeled as desperate or needy or undesirable.
So does this mean the only hope for a happy, committed relationship is to move to another country? Not at all. As mentioned above, the observations summarized above are not really about where one is born, but rather a mentality that is influenced by societal and cultural values. We must be aware of our own behavior in the dating game, because we are active participants in how we are treated. We must take a look at who we are drawn to in the first place, and why. If you keep attracting (and are attracted to) men who are emotionally unavailable and who treat you poorly, then it really doesn’t matter if your dating prospects are from France, New York, Vancouver or Mars – the shift needs to occur within you first and foremost. In fact, you may be experiencing attractions of deprivation, where you try to recreate the issues from childhood in your romantic partners. To find out more, read this article on “Why Do Good Women Pick the Wrong Men.“
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
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Ok…Europe is vast. There is a huge difference between Greek men, Northern European and East European. Your generalization seems to apply mainly to Northern European.
Finally the porn culture has hit many places. Also many European men don’t like curvy women (see France)
Yes this list sheds light on why I’ve had a hard time hitting it off with American men and why I have been dating someone who is not American. However, I have to admit that the labels used in this article are not fair to the few good gentlemen in the US who don’t deserve to be bucketed in with the bad apples.
At the end of the day it is after all a “mindset” or simply put, disregard assholes and date gentlemen.
As an American who has lived abroad in Europe for 10 years and has only dated Europeans in the last 20, the majority of these statements are not true. You cannot generalize an entire continent to a country.
I could make a point by point, but briefly:
-Sexual education is taught early in Netherlands and northern European countries, it is NOT in Spain, France, Italy and Greece. Porn is exactly where people learn about sex.
-European men absolutely do date around. The med. countries have a very high amount of culturally ingrained and accepted cheating and even the use of prostitutes. It is not in the culture to openly do it, but they do it anyway.
-European tv has huge amounts of women with huge breasts on TV and no it is not monitored (see Italy, Greece, eastern Europe). I think you are referring to the law on banning under weight models, but that is only for weight. It doesn’t control how women are portrayed, sexualized in the media and besides fashion models are for advertising to women not men! Italy and France have the highest numbers of eating disorders in the western world, which is why this law came into play. It has NOTHING to do with how men see women – it is a brand new law on top of it. http://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2015/apr/03/france-bans-skinny-models-crackdown-anorexia
Weird. As a a French guy from Paris who actually doesn’t like most of the american way of life that I’ve experienced while living for a few monthes in San Francisco or Pennsylvania, I actually feel like I have to back up the american guys here : European are as flauded as Americans. Maybe they are a little more suttle with hiding it though, as women can also be more suttle about hiding their infedlities than men for example. But as a musician who’s been touring often for the past 5 years in many european capitals, I would say the real difference is more between big cities behaviours which are more self-centered and smaller cities & country side where family still matters, probably because they have less options and the fear of being alone or the feeling of having an empty life can grow stronger there… But this article is a total idealization of European guys…
From what I’ve done / experienced / observed in European capital cities, I would say :
1. European guys do mainly think about scoring… Every time they meet a new cute or sexy girl, they think about it.
3. They do label. Though, there are less categories : just for sex, serious relationship, and platonic. The last one can also be labelled as “im not attracted to her but maybe I would be when im drunk enough and have no other option”. And sometimes, they do struggle to categorize each girl cuz the lines can get mixed up easily, so they do over analyze when that happens.
5. They do have less and less manners. And they do become more and more celf-centered because we all live in this global capitalist market imposed by the US which is now the world.
6. The new generation do get influenced or even taught sex by porn. It’s free and it’s everywhere now and we’re all concerned about what it does to the kids in their sexual education and standards for sex banalization, culture of performances, body image, etc
7. They do ghost. And girls do too ! Especially when it’s in the “just for sex” category, but sometimes even in the other 2. Well actually, platonic relationship probably naturally ghosts more, but we notice / remember them less.
8. They are mainly attracted to the same perfect bodies they show in magazines, movies and tv. And there again, women too. It’s a matter of tastes / personal history / psychology, but Im pretty sure the rates of people liking curves is pretty much the same in Europe and in the US, and it might even be lower in Europe as there is actually less obesity.
9. They do lack confidence. Our 2 last French presidents are a living reminder of 2 opposite kinds of confidence problems : Hollande, the obvious limited guy who seems too scared to do anything, and Sarkozy, the arrogant prick who needs a trophy wife and rich friends to show off and compensate his actual lack of confidence. That does happen in more normal circles.
10. Oh god, they do date around. Or fuck around. Or flirt around. Or cheat around. And there again, women too.
11. They do play games when they have options. And they do freak out about commitment. There again, I blame capitalism and self-centered lives about career and poursuit of self realization & “happiness”.
Points number 2 and 4 are about the dating and the natural respect are just a little more true but you could see a real bigger difference maybe until 15-20 years ago, but it all changed with american series like Friends or How I met your mother, which brought a lot of american influence into european dating standards too, probably because people felt it’s actually not that different here either and that it made relationships became more like a game. But the new generation was completely born & rainsed in this american culture.
It’s really a lot different when you compare habits from big cities like New York, Paris, Amsterdam, London, Berlin, Vienna, or Prague, with the habits of people living every where else in the same country. And beware that European guys living in New York probably tend to play more the “Im European” card by exploiting / overacting on those stereotypes because they know it’s a smart move to stand out more from American guys.
Maybe it was more of a American / European culture difference 15-20 years ago but now that debate is way passed. When I started touring regulary around Europe, I was surprised at first to see the same kind of pattern in every capital, but now Im used to it : we are all the same or becoming more and more similar, and it’s growing everywhere. I blame capitalism.
Maybe a little bit too stereotypical, but good article indeed. I live in Amsterdam and see alot of similarity with this article in practice. Was dating an american girl for a while,that’s why.
Amy, this “comparison” doesn’t sound like a comparison at all: it simply sounds like a biased point-of-view towards someone who loves European men, which used to be, me—until I found out that my European man was cheating on me left and right. And during this time, he also informed me that all his married European male friends were doing it—as if it’s a right of passage or something, and with prostitutes nevertheless.
And to say that European men do not watch porn or grow up watching porn is ludicrous. Do you have any European male friends at all? I do, and I know for a fact that they do and have indeed watched porn growing up.
I mean did you know that porn is freely programmed on European TV late at night?? Whenever you’re in Europe you should turn on the TV late at night, and indeed you’ll find that this is case, I’ve lived there I know… You should ask your European friends about this, I guarantee that they will confirm the same thing. Also, in Italy a lot of the TV programming still use women as ornaments, they don’t even speak they are just in the background half naked.
Did you also know that it was legal to rape women in France until the 80s? I think older European men still find this to be tricky, i.e. Berlusconi, (former Italian prime minister, who’s been to court for statutory rapes; and DSK, former head of the IMF and former front runner for the French presidency, who’s been arrested and accused of multiple rapes, all while they were both married!).
And yes, I’ve dated both, and have been in long term relationships with both European men and American men, and I strongly disagree with some of your generalizations. From my experience: yes European men do not date around before settling down, hence a lot of them feel trapped to be with one person because they haven’t looked around to realize what they really want. So yes, perhaps they do not date around, but they sure love their prostitutes.
I also find American men more chivalrous than European men, except for the British, whom I also find to be gentlemen-like.
I’m not sure where you’re getting your info, but perhaps you haven’t been with a European man long enough to find out how they really are behind a woman’s back. Stay tuned my friend, stay tuned and good luck.
Well, as long as we are stereotyping, let’s turn this around to an American mans point of view. I have lived in NYC, Paris, London and Milan.
1. American women are just as goal oriented as American men, but it’s not sex they are looking for, but money. Sex is something they hold over you until they have summed up how much of a catch you are, how much do you earn, what is you potential to get rich, how big is your house, what kind of car do you drive, how many fancy restaurants can you take them to. And their desperation to do this is embarrassing
2. European men more cultured, more refined, more respectful of women? All you have to do is watch an English football match, a Frenchman staring a woman down, Italians whistling at you, Germans acting like loud Spring Breakers at ski/beach resorts.
3.True, European men don’t make formal dates, that’s because they are cheap.
4. European men do get their sex Ed from porn, as they are flooded with it from an early age, it’s part of their culture, just watch some of their TV for a while
5. European men don’t look at your physical appearance as much as American men? They are just as superficial. A fat American woman will have less of a chance with a European man, as they find most American women fat, uncultured and loud, just look at any “Housewives” TV show
6 American women are obsessed with dating around, as it all comes down to landing the biggest catch.
You see, stereotyping works both ways my dear
From my perspective, I think that this is a very inaccurate depiction of American men. I feel like these differences are more accurately applied to the difference between practicing Christians versus non-Christians or non-practicing Christians.
I wish that I could agree with this. European men are a product of their family, their social enviornment and many other factors, which make up our personalities. I have dated European pigs and American pigs. I have also dated amazing men of both demographics. To exalt European men to this extent is just a bit TOO much and also a bit racially biased in a totally unresearched way.
Honestly it’s just stereotype.