Recently, I wrote a post on “The 11 Difference Between Dating a Boy vs a Man“. The post can have the genders swapped and most points would still apply. However, we can’t deny that there are some fundamental differences between men and women – from how we are socialized to the chemical and hormonal differences that naturally occur. Thus, I thought it appropriate to follow up with a post on the difference between dating a girl, vs a woman. Again, many points on this post would apply if you switched the genders around.
A boy is attracted to girls. A man is attracted to women. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. Also, this isn’t to say that a woman won’t ever have “girlish” or immature tendencies or vice versa. This post refers to one’s maturity and most points would also apply if you switch the genders as well.
If you are a boy, then expect that you will attract only girls. However, if you are a man (independent, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a woman. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers on the differences between dating a boy vs a man.
1. A girl throws tantrums. When displeased, upset or angry, she reacts just as she did as a child when she didn’t get her way with her parents. This often consists of screaming, pouting, giving the silent treatment, being passive aggressive and/or punishing. A woman still feels the emotions of being upset/displeased, but has cultivated the skill of responding versus reacting. She comes to the table as an adult, and communicates clearly what is bothering her.
2. A girl perceives herself as a princess and believes people should treat her like so. She is entitled and feels that she is owed and therefore expects more than she appreciates. A woman, has standards (what she holds herself to) not expectations (what she projects on to others).
3. A girl uses her physical beauty as her currency and basis of value. A girl may be so used to feeling validated through her looks and sexuality, that she uses this as her primary tool to get what she wants in life. A woman, knows her worth is beyond her physicality. A woman bases her value on her intelligence, her strength, her integrity, her values, her contributions, her humanity.
4. A girl banks on a man to be her financial strategy. A woman plans to be financially independent – she banks on… herself. And if she so happens to enter a relationship dynamic where it makes sense for her partner to be the primary breadwinner, it’s considered a bonus, not the expected life line.
5. A girl sees the world from a place of lack and scarcity. She competes and will even tear down another in order to secure resources or a mate. A woman helps other women. She knows that there’s plenty enough to go around and takes the high road of integrity to get what she wants.
6. A girl cannot be bothered with anything domestic and is proud of the fact that she cannot cook or clean. A woman understands that being domestic is not a duty, but understands that it is one way of taking care of herself and others. She also understands that in the event she wants to create a family, having a person in the household who can contribute domestically is important.
7. “A girl wants attention, a woman wants respect. A girl wants to be adored by many. A woman wants to be adored by one.” -anonymous
8. A girl does not respect her body. She has not yet understood that her body and heart are sacred, and that it’s important to be mindful of how she treats it and who she shares it with. “A girl cherishes handbags, diamonds and her shoe collection as her prize possessions. A woman cherishes her health, her sense of self, and her talents as her greatest assets.” – N. Mah
9. A woman takes the time to reflect on the type of human she wants to be, the example she wants to leave and the vision for her life. She has put thought into her values and what she stands for. A girl has not established her moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent. “After spending time with a girl, you feel exhausted because she takes more than she gives. After spending time with a woman, you feel invigorated, because she empowers you with possibility, and a passion for life.” – N. Mah
10. A girl has a checklist that prioritizes superficial qualities above anything else. Here is an example of how this checklist may look: Hot, popular, wears skinny jeans, over 6 feet tall, rich.. This is the checklist of what a woman may look for: High integrity, intelligent, kind, good communicator, emotionally available…
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a mature woman, or someone with an immature mindset. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A girl plays games. A woman doesn’t.
[infobox bg=”redlight” color=”black” opacity=”on” subtitle=”Nadia Mah”]A girl jumps from one social circle to another, making fast friends that don’t last. A woman values her deep friendships and nurtures that bond with time, gratitude, energy and thoughtfulness.[/infobox]
Photo credit: Daniele Martinie
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
20 Things I Would Tell My 20-Year-Old Self
I agree with some of this but it is way to black and white and seems as though it were written to specifically “trash talk”. I agree there are major differences between a woman and a girl, a boy and a man, but this just shows the difference between an A-hole and a decent human being. These types of articles are not by any means intelligently written, just a tool for angry boyfriends to lash out at their girlfriends and vise versa.
To be a woman does NOT mean you can enjoy the world as a girl. Many of you took this the wrong way. All these points are valid. They don’t go into all the things it’s ok for a woman to do in the fashion of a girl because that’s not the topic here. A woman can be a girl anytime she wants if it’s called for, but a real woman, never plays games, ignores, acts unreasonable just to be unreasonable no matter girlish she wishes to be…that’s all the writer’s saying. He’s not saying you can’t play like a girl. My wife is exactly the woman described here and she is a teenager at heart and lives her life with a girlish wonder and grace, but she is strong, intelligent, independent in every way, kind and wise. She lives and wonders like a girl, but she is never a girl. She can never be a girl, because a woman is never a girl. A girl might have some womanly qualities, but a woman with ANY girlish qualities in just a girl…until she becomes a woman (which most never do).
I appreciate this post, but I actually think that its perspective buys too much into social norms. In fact, it almost feels in some of the points as if a “woman” should accept social norms and not actively take a stance against them. The post about dating a man versus a boy says nothing about domestic duties, though I think that a man would surely be pleased to take the burdens of domestic duty from his “woman” had he the chance to. Point #7, while a nice quote, also doesn’t hold much water. Are we really looking to solely be respected by one man? If we are looking to be self-sufficient monetarily, then surely we desire and deserve respect by far more people than one man. And worst of all, the notion of a “woman” understanding that her beauty isn’t her currency. Women are taught by society that beauty is their only currency. It is not a woman’s job to “unlearn” what her society has made her believe about herself (though it is something every person should strive to do). It is society’s job to change the minds of all people, men and women, about what women are worth.
I wouldn’t say this post is harmful in and of itself, but it cites harmful societal assumptions that I think we should be moving away from in our romantic relationships. Dating a mature person is dating a mature person. Societal norms certainly might shape what that person may be like at certain points in his or her life, but I don’t think generalizing about all men and all women is helpful to creating more positive relationships with each other.
Emily, no offense, but that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. So, you just wanna blame society for the way people feel about themselves? Boys and girls care about what society thinks of them…a man or a woman (any mature person) will take the “social norm”, and make their own version of that. Being a self-sufficient, mature person means you don’t follow what others say. It’s not society’s JOB to do anything. It’s a PERSON’S job to disregard all of that social image bullcrap and make their own image, regardless of whether it fits the social norm or not.
You are just passing the blame: which is what GIRLS do.
And for your disagreement with #7, when it says “adored”, it means “loved”. Just my opinion, but girls (and boys) need to feel affection (sexual/relationship) from multiple people to feel validated. Mature people realize that it only takes one person to make you love yourself and feel truly amazing about yourself.
And again, like you said, it’s a generalization…not gonna apply to EVERYONE. But this seems to hold true for a lot of people I have met (along with me for the boys article).
Emily is 100% right is her criticism of the post. It is not easy for any mature person to ignore what society constantly reinforces. It is society’s job to change. No question about it.
You are being condescending, which is what BOYS do.
You see how that sounds ridiculous?
Well said Matthew.
We need to be taking responsibility for our own actions. Society starts with the thoughts and attitudes of the people within the society. If enough people started being the true man/woman they are capable of being, despite what the world says it means, then society itself will start to reflect the changes. You say “It is not a woman’s job to “unlearn” what society has made her believe about herself”. No one makes you believe anything about yourself. YOU make yourself believe it. These posts aren’t made to be the only definitive characteristics of healthy men and women. But it’s a great guideline to help people reevaluate themselves and their relationships.
I appreciated it.
You say this Lacey and express that people need to start “being the true man/woman they are capable of being, despite what the world says it means” but where does this start? We are all programed by society, gender typing, and what our families and others around us show to de the definition of this “real man/woman”. So if this is wrong how I am supposed to fix that? Especially when someone wants to write an article explaining their ideas to me and I still don’t agree. We are all looking at the idea of the Western culture, but what about expectations of everyone around the world? While I too have to expectations of what I perceive to be “real” can you really blame the individual for living what they have learned?
Don’t you think social norms exist for a reason? Expecting society to change for you is probably the most self-centered and entitled viewpoint of them all.
Well said, Emily.
I think the author is merely addressing common social expectations placed on women, not endorsing them. That is to say, the social pressures and trends are there and we have to deal with them…not conform to them. It’s not that women have to bow to social trends about domestic duties and men don’t; rather, current culture places the expectation on women, but that doesn’t mean the duties should be avoided because of the perception that it’s “oppressive”. SOMEBODY has to wash the dishes and do the laundry on a more regular basis. It’s okay to be the domestic partner whatever your gender, and women shouldn’t feel bad if it’s them, as long as they are in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. In all honesty, there are lots of men who would prefer to be “house husbands” than you might think.
Thank you Emily for being another person to understand that this article is more about society norms and gender roles than what a man or woman “should” be like.
Oh man, not only did you use a picture of a “girl” (using your terminology here), but you used one that does not respect her body, for she has a piercing, a nose piercing at that.
Could you not have found a wholesome woman – with all the tools available at our fingertips today??? That picture completely conflicts with what is being said below it, it’s what the mainstream media have defined as a “girl/woman”, it’s all the same to them.
So because she has piercings, she is not a woman…that she does not respect her body?! There a cultures where piercings are common. They are often part of Indian wedding jewelry. That shows lack of knowledge. You are the definition of society that judges a book by its cover. Sad…
http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8223/8268275033_a54f848bf6_z.jpg
So the female in said image is not a Woman by your standards?
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uoYJ8h81DK4/UQke9OVUiGI/AAAAAAAADqs/9ZfnpxSeRGI/s640/AFRICAN+JEWEL4.jpg
Or how about her?
http://stewardshipreport.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Mother_and_child_in_Mumbai.jpg
I guess not her either??
The difference between a woman and girl is behavior, mindset and the way they carry themselves. A piercing…a tattoo…none of the defines the difference between a girl and a woman…Some do it for religious, cultural reasons while others do it as a form of expression..to mark a milestone, the passing of a loved one or what have you.
8. A girl does not respect her body. She has not yet understood that her body and heart are sacred, and that it’s important to be mindful of how she treats it and who she shares it with. “A girl cherishes handbags, diamonds and her shoe collection as her prize possessions. A woman cherishes her health, her sense of self, and her talents as her greatest assets.” – N. Mah
That is pretty much saying she doesn’t toss her body around. That she takes care of her well being and respects herself. Some young girls are quick to fall in love and do not understand the ways of their heart. Same goes for their body…they think looks will get them places while a woman knows she has so much more to offer… Their entire selves…not to just be given out or to allow it to be taken advantage of. For shame….people like you.
I hope you’re kidding. A woman can have a nose ring if that’s an accessory she believes coincides to her strong values. Judging this woman as “someone who probably acts like a girl” based on something as mild as a nose piercing is a little archaic, don’t you think?
The photo has nothing to do with whether or not she is a “girl” or a “woman”. These terms are defined by the person’s maturity, NOT by their physical appearance. Furthermore, a person with piercings is not an example of someone who doesn’t respect their body. Not showing respect for your body is by treating it in a way that would only please society, in which you are not comfortable with.
“Oh man, not only did you use a picture of a “girl” (using your terminology here), but you used one that does not respect her body, for she has a piercing, a nose piercing at that.”
This sounds very much like something a “boy” would say, as it is rather presumptuous, and quite frankly, ethnocentric.
How short minded of you to connect piercing to being childish and immature, especially when the picture practically serves no purpose in the intention of this article regarding few keen points about just being mature. So interesting how people can be so reflective of others say but non on what comes to their own mind.
Yea I’d love to meet this woman your talking about.. I don’t think they exist… most of these apply to both girls and women..
I don’t know…this kinda rubs me the wrong way. Disagree with #6 completely. That is a sexist remark. Why was that not listed on the differences between a boy and a man? Why is it that women have to be concerned with contributing domestically and not men? Goes to show that our society still has a long way to go. Appreciate where you were going with this, but sorry just had to share what was on my mind.
I’m pretty sure the point of #6 is exactly what you’re getting all riled up about…If you think you’re somehow above cooking and cleaning, simply because it’s a stereotype, then you’re missing the point…
Example: A male says…I refuse to fix the car because that’s a stereotype, and I will not give in to stereotypes….would you find that masculine, or childish?
There’s no need to force sexism. Women struggle with gender roles. So do men.
Men have plenty of things that we have to live up to be a “man.”
Us doing the dishes probably wouldn’t make your top ten either.
Welp you’re obviously a girl in that aspect then. Completely.
Regina, I disagree with you – I think the author is attempting to reframe a societal norm, not perpetuate the sexist mindset. Since domestic duties are so often assumed to be the role of a female and are associated with that gender, the author takes a view which says that a woman who respects herself realizes that domestic duties are still relevant to any relationship and should be viewed as a service to others (whether those duties come from a male or a female). Also note that the author says “having a PERSON in the household who can contribute domestically is important” – not “having a woman…”. My humble two cents. Overall I thought it was an excellent article, as was it’s counterpart. Great reads and I plan to incorporate the authors definition of a man into my current view of my masculinity and values set.
I definitely enjoyed this article (and the previous one) although I completely agree with Emily’s comment. I feel like you were digging into social gender norms a little bit too much, but at the end of the day, I still enjoyed the read.
Decent article. I can’t stand dating insecure women who constantly wear tight clothes and show cleavage to get attention, or cling to ex-boyfriends and other guys just to keep their options open, all while “in a relationship”. A real woman doesn’t need attention from every guy in the room, a real woman is secure with herself enough not to care. How many women out there like this? Very, very few.
I think almost every single commenter just completely missed the mark. I find EVERY point you have presented as completely accurate in the context in which it is taken. Those who have presented ‘disagreements’ or ‘conflicts’ I feel are missing the point which you are trying to convey and/or justifying themselves or their choices. Good article.
I believe both sides (girl and woman) were stretched way too far. The text is comparing a girl with a complete lack of morals and a flawless woman. I believe most female individuals have their own mix of both a normal girl and woman. Of course sometimes we want to be treated like princesses, but some women also enjoy treating their company as a princes. Women enjoy gifts, women throw fits and lose their minds, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking an attractive company as long as that is not the only thing you seek for in a person. We are all human beings with our own mixes and flaws. That comparison is beyond reality.