When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
I broadly agree on most of these points, although there is one statement I strongly disagree with. You say ‘A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life).’
I believe that is nonsense. Having a family is just one life choice out of many. A ‘man’ can choose not to have a family and be single all his life. Or he can decide to have multiple long-term girlfriends (as long as he’s honest about it to women), or he can decide to sacrifice his selfish genetic instincts for adopting an existing child in need of parenting. In fact, believe that a super strong man will decide NOT to have a family because that is genetically selfish. a super strong man doesn’t need anything from life and is indifferent to external events. He is so comfortable with himself that he does not need to have meaning from external sources such as religion, a family, or praise.
@ ICARUS…and that is the difference between dating a man vs dating a boy. Most women want a man who can offer some stability, a future of some sort, a plan, a vision. A man who chooses to be single in his life is definitely not a “man” at least not from the percepective of this article or a woman for that matter. He might be genetically male but not the type of man most women would like to plan their life around. Of course for the type of man you have described, there is a woman who will perfectly fit into that life style; those categories of people are not who this article is directed at… I don’t think; because they are just going with the flow of life where anything is acceptable. Real women and men have standards and they make plans or are opened to a plan if they do not have none.
THIS IS AMAZING! and I could not agree more, with EVERYTHING.
Curious how differently the post would have read if it was “the difference between dating an adult and a child”.
Some of the points above, not calling back games, old childhood wounds, princess/captain save ’em complexes apply both ways. (And wanting a family is not a sign of maturity).
In any case, a good read. Though I am weary of these kinds of posts that are positioned to ridicule the struggles or short fallings of the other sex (by men or women) I think we can all do better, but I am biased towards the “men are from mars women are from venus” kind of approach to relationships.
Because people struggle with finding who they are, dealing with intimacy, communication, changing their minds, courage and discomfort zones in general. I wouldn’t make men/women who struggle with opening up etc feel any less grown. I say that as a person who has no real problems with any of them, but has had to deal with good people who do. All aspects of our personally don’t mature at the same rate, you can be kind, brave, considerate, open, hard working etc but still not know what you wanna do with your life (and I think that’s ok as long as you are not holding back and are making something of it even in your confusion) and sometimes in life for reasons beyond their control people even regress.
But I will agree with you on one thing; integrity.
Really well said Meremortal. This article has some nice generic points that probably everyone who reads it would agree with whether they are technically, by the authors definition, man or boy (no adult male thinks of themselves as a boy). I think the reality is much more complicated. As Meremortal points out not all aspects of our personalities mature at the same rate. As viscerally pleasing as this article is, I’m just not sure you can simply bullet point the things that make a man.
Totally Agreed. 🙂
@MEREMORTAL Thank you for reading my mind then posting my thoughts here. I appreciate that. It saved me a ton of typing.
We all have different issues and different reactions based on many sectors that define our mentality. I don’t think we can define maturity using a single viewpoint. In fact, I would argue that none of us have the right to define maturity. I think if we try to define maturity,we all wind up being the Same person. Just do what you gotta do,listen to thevoices in your head-as long as integrity is the keynote speaker.
Good read though.
I really think that this is a great idea of what a man should be, but at the same time, I feel that this might be a bit over romanticized idea of what a man should be. I know this is just a short article on one subject, and nit picking is easy with hindsight, but I think it is worth mentioning that in your idea of what a “man” should be, you never talk about the career that the man pursues. If you look at this article alone, and imagine a man, what do you see as a reader? I’m sure a lot of readers see well dressed business man who commutes to NY and has a wife and kids in the burbs, or a well dressed man who lives in the city with you in a beautiful loft that gives you a great view of central park. If we weren’t being romantic about it though you could also see a man who works at the head of organized crime. I know that sounds outrageous, but if you look at all 11 views of a man given here, not one takes about the ethics of this dream man, besides the assertiveness he has at work, and his willingness to commit to a women. There are plenty of men like that in this world, men who have power by stepping on the backs of millions upon billions of people. We can’t fault them for wanting to do this though, since we all strive to a certain dream, and as we all know, the ends justify the means.
I think that if a women did meet this man, and even if he was in some shady lines of work, that women would find a good love life, if that man was interested in her. Such a man at this would most likely be picky at the type of women he wanted to spend his life with, since he does live a life where his women takes the front seat with him, but his career is the car, and that car is what will take him place to place, not the person in the passenger seat. I know that success and be very sexy and appealing, but for that type of life, you need a women that also has a life just as rewarding and fulfilling. I don’t mean a women who is happy with he life, cause I’m sure plenty of those gaudy women who spend all their husbands money away would say they are happy. No, I mean a women who is secure with her relationship with her man, who has a good and reliable group of friends, the type who aren’t always nit picking and trying to bring each other down, and a firm career of her own. If she doesn’t have these things, this type of man is not for you, cause you will feel too alone to date this man for long and still be happy. I know that the article writer talks about the difference between a girl and women, and I am just posting this second paragraph to emphasize that I agree with her on that subject most of all.
Well if feel I have ranted on way to long for how short this article is, but I just brought up some hypothetical ideas you can think on. Interesting article though.