When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
Amy: an excellent article with one caveat. Instead of saying “Man vs Boy”, you might have entitled it “Gender-Neutral Adult vs Child”. This is a genderless article, and the rules apply equally to Men and Women vs Girls and Boys. My experience is that gender differences are largely an illusion, and that age and maturity provide much better measures of the difference between human beings. As you mentioned, your age 20 Amy was very different from the age 30 Amy. Focusing on the differences dividing us is what most people do, and I appreciate you need a catchy headline to draw such readers. We are one species, and there is a 0.3% genetic difference between human males and females. Perhaps you can do a second article, but just change the title to “Women vs Girls”, so that you “bring balance to the force” as it were. We all pretty much want and need the same thing: love and acceptance, even if we don’t know how to achieve it.
Cheers,
Paul
Agreed. You can switch out “Boy vs a Man” to “Girl vs a Woman” and most points would still apply. I am doing a follow up post as well. Thank you for reading and for your intelligent, constructive feedback.
Hey girl, thank you.
Sincerely,
In transition Boy<Man
Amy, I take issue with the above quote: ” A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life). ”
Being a man is not dependent on ” having a family”. Does living with a partner make a ” family” or is creating or adopting children become the determining feature for having a ” family”? You do not clarify so I am left thinking that an ethics of pro-breeding is at hand. I think homosexual and heterosexual non-breeders alike will take issue with this claim. Breeding, stripped of aesthetics and/or fantasy, is a purely biological task,and not a value which makes or breaks a males metaphysical worth as a ” Man”. Most breeders are irresponsible and do a poor job raising their little creations. Perhaps we should take the ethics of breeding out of the formulation of quantifying a man’s worth in the world.
Thanks for the fun read, Sy
The article doesn’t say, actually having a family. It says, investing to being able to – someday – have a family. As in, becoming prepared to eventually being responsible for someone else. As in, probably has real estate or working to have one someday, not flaking between dead-end jobs but working to become more capable at work, maybe begun a retirement plan, savings. This is the bit which is a trait of a man. Not the actual “breeding” bit without this preparatory effort. Even so, biologically healthy males who were also raised to be emotionally healthy, do have a future family at least at the back of their minds and are fulfilled to achieve it – look pretty much anywhere in the world outside the US, Europe, or war-torn countries.
I agree that its confusing in how it’s stated. Better to say prepared for financial hardships and the means to handle money properly would make more sense.
Brilliant article!
I was also wondering if there is a way to subscribe to this blog?
Thank you for reading. You can subscribe to the RSS feed to get notified when a new post is up. Or “like” the FB page as articles are posted on there first http://www.facebook.com/justmytypemag
I just read your *article* and I have to say that I agree with it 100%, but being a gay man, I have to relate it to my world, and so as I was re-reading the *article*, I replaced the words *woman/girls* with *men/boys* and it made perfect sense..
So here’s the problem: women say they want a “man,” but time and time again choose the “boy” leaving the “men” to wonder, “whats so good about being a man?”
I won’t deny that I was a boy – until I met my (now) ex-wife. I changed, and people around me noticed my shift(s) in responsibilities and priorities. Proudly, I would say I turned into a man – everything I do is for her, our daughter and cats.
Unfortunately though, the marriage didn’t work out and, well, my world crumbled. I lost all sense of direction in life – classic sign of a lost man who could potentially return to being a boy.
However, I (very) recently met someone. Ironically, we met each other in cyberspace so, so long ago; and it’s exactly only a week ago we finally meet… physically, in person. And this was after exchanging personal messages, and then mobile numbers which progressed to text messages and phone calls.
What bonded us was probably this: she came out of a long-term relationship/broken engagement exactly five years ago, while I very recently came out of a failed marriage. So she understood what I was going through, and shared all her experiences and was even open enough to encourage me in so many ways.
It was on our third date – before she flew away for a vacation – that I finally decided to make my move. I told her my feelings towards her, and yes, we had our first kiss. I forgot what romance was, but with her, I remembered once again…
I want to spend all my time with this woman, ‘D’. And I’m sure she knows how I feel towards her.
Oh BTW I got to this page thanks to her… Awesome pointers by the way, and I can’t stop reading. =)