When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” – Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself in 2015
I absolutely love this entire thing. So classy, so clear, love it.
I love this article.
I really think it captures what every human being should be; someone else’s idea of perfect.
Maybe this article is only directed toward pod people with the exact life circumstances most upper-middle class, men in their thirties would encounter, but even so, it does sound awfully self-righteous.
I mean, not every man is going to be this cookie-cut idea you have going on here. And not every woman is going to have her guard up on herself and never let her insecurities come out. It will, and can bleed into the reality of life. Which is the fact that we are all but *human*.
Even the man at the opposite end of the spectrum of being a boy is going to go through failures. And it’s going to be a constant push and pull struggle between the boy in him, and the man he should be.
And I dare say with ample proof in the many women in my life, that it’s the same for women.
No one is going to constantly going to have their “woman” or “man” mode, on all the time. I see it in my mother, I see it in my brother, I see it in my friends, and then some.
Also, we must understand us human beings, all come from *various*, and *different* backgrounds. Some are rich enough to pay their way through education. Some don’t have family, and rely on their own wits to support themselves and their futures. Some have family and no finances, and have to be responsible for their family members, and their respective futures. And if she/he doesn’t have the time for making a new family, like pointer number two, does that make him any less of a woman/man??
No one can attest to ever reaching a state of completion in terms of what Mr. or Mrs. Right looks like. That’s why you have so much misunderstand between the genders, and communication is scarce in relationships.
Neither wants to see the other for who they are. Both end up frustrated, and feeling the need to change, and become everyone’s idea of perfect. In my experience, you have to set a goal for yourself, and not think too much of what this or that person wants you to be.
Content of character is important. Do it for yourself, so that you can build good basic relationships with other human beings. Not just to catch men, or attract “chicks”.
I really hope the writer reflects upon what she defines as
Great post. I would say that these points distinguish a woman from a girl, too.
Interesting article but I have some issues with it. It gives the impression that being a man is based on being of value to others, and not on who one is as a person. So while today’s woman is encouraged to develop herself to the fullest, men are still being programmed only to consider themselves worthwhile if the they can be of use to others. Many ‘independent’ women would never align themselves with someone who earns less than them, and the expression that her money is hers but his belongs to the family is quite common.
As a young single man I was often faced with a strange predicament. I constantly found myself in a position where only subordination would have worked. It did not matter what I wanted because there were many men out there who were willing to play the ‘game’ by adjusting their behaviour to whatever was required to ‘win’, no matter how degrading it might in fact have been. As for conventional dating as a social norm compared to other traditional forms of courtship, while for some it may prove to be a pleasurable pastime; at times it seems to be an unnecessary and redundant American phenomenon that only came to prominence after World War 2. On many occasions the only way that women would have known the true nature of their partners is after they actually became either pregnant, and or, married. This is when many men really reveal themselves, much to the consternation and dismay of the partners. In my situation, to continue to try to be useful to others would have been disastrous. My solution to the problem was unconventional and against the programming that I had received from infancy. From deep self-analysis I came to the conclusion that to have significant savings and assets in the hope of someday being able to attract and provide for others was both self-depreciating and self-discriminatory. It became clear to me that the choice was one between ‘being’ and ‘having’. So at certain stages of my life, whenever the other party did something stupid enough to disqualify herself from selection, I liquidated in order to further develop myself. On most occasions this involved some travelling, but not to conventional destinations, and not for conventional purposes. In my case, and unlike that of the woman Carlene in the song, I’ve been to paradise, and this has been the only way for me to have been ‘to me’.
Paradise, however, has come to mean something quite different from the customary definition. It has come to include certain experiences, some of which have been quite uncomfortable, but which at the end of the day have served to reinforce my self-esteem, resolve, and sense of identity. It has included for instance, going on a vision quest: staying alone in the wilderness of a foreign country for four days and four nights without food, and only drinking water; it has included arriving at the airport 36 hours before my return flight without enough money for a hotel and spending the time observing other travellers and occupying the same seat; it has included travelling in the Paris metro for hours with all my luggage, checking out different apartments; due to the ignorance of certain immigration officers, and the uniqueness of my own position, it has included being the last to board the flight and also the last to leave the airport in between destinations; and finally it has also included too many positive experiences to mention.
At the end of the day I am convinced that, should the right person come along, I have the confidence and the resolve to make the required adjustments, but until then I’m quite prepared to just get by, while keeping my eyes glued to the horizon- even at the price of appearing to be a failure within the eyes of many.
Interesting and some good points. It’s great that your recognized the discrepancy in the dating world, and knew yourself well enough to do what you needed to in order to become fully the person you want to be.
However, I do have to take umbrage with your statements,
“So while today’s woman is encouraged to develop herself to the fullest, men are still being programmed only to consider themselves worthwhile if the they can be of use to others. Many ‘independent’ women would never align themselves with someone who earns less than them, and the expression that her money is hers but his belongs to the family is quite common.”
Firstly, and this could be a cultural (or micro cultural thing) or a generational thing, but I have NEVER ever heard the expression “her money is hers but his belongs to the family” in anything other than a humorous expression. That I would keep my money selfishly while expecting my partner to pay for … well basically everything… is nasty to me (and to the women I know and have friendships with). Selfishness is an equal opportunity beast, and while there are selfish women out there only looking for a sugar daddy, there are just as many men living off their girlfriends with no intention to commit, financially or otherwise.
I do appreciate that this columns tone gives somewhat of an impression that men are valued for only what they do, but I believe it is not intentional. This author has written another column on the differences between dating a girl and a woman (and even includes her opinion women view “their” domestic duties as a way to care for those they love, not an impingement. Talk about hitting on a sore spot and being valued for what one does!) and uses the exact same tone portraying really the same thing only directing it at women.
Perhaps our society is beginning to give lip service to the idea that women should develop themselves and look deeper – but it is still rarely more than skin deep. Deeply embedded into our society is the idea that women’s worth is tied up in their use to others and beauty. All one has to do is study the media coverage of Hilary Clinton or Michelle Obama – pick whoever you want – to see this. These expectations are quite high. Media endorses the “strong independant woman” while ensuring that models, and guest writers are attractive as possible, with schizophrenic articles, sending mixed messages that “It’s ok to be you, but here’s how to drop 15 lbs and get rid of those nasty wrinkles while you raise continually well adjusted and successful children, have a fulfilling career and be a nympho for your husband in bed.” Don’t get me started on Maxum and other men’s mags, that yes, out of curiousity I have read.
The feeling of being only wanted for what one can provide for the other exists on this side of the fence too. But I suppose the way I see it, is both articles are trying to steer people away from toxic relationships into ones with people of maturity.
Thank you for the thoughtful, well-articulated response Suzanne. You raise some interestingly valid points.
This is pretty anti-boy.
12. A man is taken. A boy is always available.
Unfortunately, this article goes into two polar sides and offers me no perspective of whatever the fuck my boyfriend is.
He’s growing up, I think. He’s not a boy and he’s not doing any of the man shit yet, but he has the potential to. Is it wrong to hang around and see if he’s going to grow into the man of my dreams? I’m not doing half the shit the “man” is supposed to be doing in my own life.
That all depends. If you are dating someone for their potential person he will become, and not the person he is now, then prepare for a lot of work, patience and maybe even disappointment. Not saying it’s impossible, just saying that it definitely wont’ be easy.
IMO, you should date the person for who they are AND who they will become. what you’re making is an investment, in your life & their life. Think of a sports franchise or any other company where investment in the here and now is to grow and pay dividends in the current stage and also later down the road..
Hi Dru,
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men.
Maybe we should check whether we’re a girl/boy or a woman/man first.
I think if your boyfriend is not still studying and currently in the working age, but not doing most of the very valid points stated, most probably he is (still) a boy.
U