There are many myths and stereotypes when it comes to dating asian guys. Some are completely outlandish and some are, well, a little more spot on. Multiple articles and studies discuss how cultural stereotypes of Asian men may make them less attractive to women of all races, including Asians.
In the book Freakonomics, one study showed that single Asians (male) had to make $247,000 more annually to receive the same response rate as White men on online dating sites. Ouch. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 40% of Asian females will marry a non-Asian male, whereas 20% of Asian males will marry a non-Asian female. This frustration is not being taken lightly. In fact, there’s even a website which acts as a forum for asian men reclaiming their “asianalitiy” – and they are pissed that their potential asian wives are shacking up with non-asians. On another website, one Asian male expresses: “It’s definitely harder for an Asian male to date a white female than for Asian females to date white males. Asian males are not portrayed as masculine, whereas Asian females are stereotyped as submissive, exotic.” What gives?!
The good news for Asian males is that as online dating is becoming less and less taboo, there are a lot more asian dating sites ready to help make meeting potential matches easier. White, black, yellow – really, one’s ethnicity shouldn’t make a difference as we are all part of the human race. No argument there. However, keep in mind that there are certain cultural differences that come to play that shape a person’s mentality, values, ideas of what a relationship dynamic should look like, and subsequently, their behaviour. And because of this, sometimes, there is some truth to the cultural differences of people raised with diverse upbringings. So I’m here today to dispel (or confirm) some of those myths, but only according to my own experience. Before you make any accusations of me making sweeping generalizations, note that my points here are completely biased according to my own sample size. Here goes…
Myth 1: Asian guys fight for the bill. True. When the dinner cheque arrives at the table, the Asian guy will swoop in like a properly trained ninja and attack the dinner cheque before you can even do that “reach” for your wallet. This swift technique is an ancient move passed on by his ancestors – a learned behavior through many many years watching his parents challenge their opponents to who gets to the cheque first. White guys are much more laid back and are happy to carry on the conversation for another 30 minutes while the check is laying on the table; some are even willing to go dutch to further showcase their support towards gender equality.
Myth 2: Asian guys are lightweights. True. Look, it’s an enzyme thing ok? When it comes to alcohol consumption, according to research, the ‘Asian Flush’ occurs due to a deficiency in an enzyme called aldehyde dehydrogenase, which is part of a vital process that digests alcohol. Headache, red flushing, even itchiness will occur after a few sips of alcohol. But, enzyme or no enzyme, don’t think this will deter an asian guy from schooling you in a drinking game though. Challenge him to a game of Pai Gow or Big 2 and he’ll drink you under the table.
Myth 3: Asian guys live with their parents. Depends. Ok, well until they’re married at least. Many asians brought up in a traditional upbringing (both men and women) choose to live at home with their parents until they get married. Asian culture emphasizes family and collectivity, so it is quite the norm to take care of your parents while living under the same roof. Also, living with a romantic partner pre-marriage is generally looked down upon, which is another reason why many asians wait until marriage to move out.
Myth 4: Asian guys have better manners. False. There are many behaviours that are emphasized in a traditional asian culture. With a big emphasis on “taking care” of those around you. For example, at the dinner table, it is a blasphemy to serve yourself food first and immediately start eating. You serve the person you are dining with first, and always offer the last bite. But while an Asian guy’s table manners may be impeccable, other “gentlemanly” behaviours like opening the car door, helping a lady put on her jacket, etc, are not lessons that parents typically focused on teaching. Thus, in my opinion it’s an even ball game.
Myth 5: Asian guys aren’t masculine. False. Unfortunately, we are influenced by what we see in the media whether we are conscious of it or not. Most depictions of Asian males in the popular media are not the same as their Caucasian counterparts. The odd Jackie Chan movie as the exception, you hardly see the Asian guy as hunky, masculine star of the show. Whereas in the 19th century, Asian men were portrayed at the other extreme in the 19th century: sexually dangerous and desirable. The stereotype that Asian men aren’t masculine exists in a large part because of how they are portrayed in the media, not necessarily because that’s actually reflective of reality.
Myth 6: Asian guys aren’t good at expressing emotions. Depends. In Asian culture, males are not encouraged to be expressive with their emotions. Crying is seen as weakness. For example, when a boy gets hurt and starts crying, it’s not rare to see the parents scold the child for crying. Because this is engrained at such an early age, this may cause some Asian men to continue withholding emotion as they grow up. It’s rare to hear traditional Asian parents say “I love you” to their children. It’s not rare for Asian kids to grow up on the receiving end of dictator-esque verbal instructions and scoldings. Parents educate and try to push their children to work harder and achieve more by using negative language versus complimentary language. A study conducted by China Daily interviewed a cross-section of people to see if they said “I love you” to their parents. Many people interviewed had never said those three words, and one 56-year old commenting “Saying it aloud is embarrassing for me.” Of course, even in an upbringing where being emotionally expressive is not encouraged, one can still learn how to communicate feelings despite the odds. So in the case of this stereotype, it really depends on the person.
Myth 7: Asian guys aren’t romantic. False. Sure, an Asian guy will think bubble tea is a perfectly acceptable venue for a first date. Nothing wrong with that! Asian guys will almost always say “Yes” to dessert as a date spot. Think crepes with fruit compote or shaved ice cream, their way of romanticizing the occasion involves making the girl happy first before letting themselves pick a place that might suit their own taste. If you see an Asian male holding on to his beau’s shopping bags or Louis Vuitton purse, that doesn’t means he’s “whipped”, he’s just being helpful. It may sound cliché and completely unmasculine, but in Asian culture, the men are raised to always offer comfort for the female, making sure that they are provided and cared for. That’s their idea of romance. Swoon.
Myth 8: Asian guys seek their parent’s approval. True. Beware the tiger mom. When it comes to marriage prospects, Asian guys take into consideration the advice of his parents. It’s more common for a Caucasian male to independently pursue his desires without asking for anyone else’s approval. When one gets paired with an Asian man, however, you don’t just marry the man himself but you marry his family as well.
Myth 9: Asian guys never make the first move. False. Although Asian guys might take awhile to confess their undying love, but that’s only because they like to take it slow. And when they do, they want to be sure that she’s the one. Asian guys are taught by their traditional parents that in order for them to meet the right person, you must already be a successful individual with a lot to offer. You date to marry. Caucasian guys are told they are going to meet a lot of people first before finding the right one. See the difference?
Myth 10: Asian guys don’t like public display of affection. True. Traditional Asian parents show love through immense generosity, helping out financially, and feeding you 24/7. Hugs, cuddles and kisses however, not so much. In a culture where preserving “face” and appearances is of utmost importance, there is a major emphasis on always keeping your cool, being proper and composed. They might steal a kiss or two when no one’s looking, but in retrospect the Asian male would much rather prefer it behind closed doors. Whether it’s their demeanor towards the public eye, or how they choose privacy over strong lustful urges, it’s easy to assume Asian males are more conservative when it comes to showcasing their emotions. Theories explain that this dates back to the nature of Confucian teaching – where displaying one’s emotions publicly is not encouraged.
Myth 11: Asian guys have small “packages”. False! And there’s been research in Nature that you can check out on your own.
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Love Comes When It’s Least Expected: Henny Rebodos
Lisa, I’m sorry you have had those experiences, but I don’t think it’s fair to say that’s going to be all of them.
People are people. Men are men. There are going to be good ones that love you as you are. There are going to be crappy ones that want you to change everything. Or dump you because their parents don’t like you.
Race doesn’t have anything to do with it.
Date someone that is compatible with you and wants the best for you. Realize there will be a learning curve in any relationship. Date someone because you genuinely like them and find them attractive.
I’m a asian man here. And all i have to say is not every asian men or asian race are the same. Every individual is different. Just because you have a bad experience with one doesn’t mean every asian is the same. I personal like my cocasian women with a little more meat and more junk. It more sexy and of a women then being a stick figure walking chop stix. That to me is more of a little girls body, not a women. So my point is, every men has their own taste. Also every asian family is different. Believe me i know for a fact.
This is ridiculous, Asia doesn’t only consist of China and sometimes Japan and Korea smh
Did you know that Russia makes up the largest part of the Asian continent? And that it reaches up to countries like Turkey in the west and India in the south a.o.? Why can’t people out there not sleep in geography class?
With that said, the whole “Myths around Asians” is nonsense because, in reality, there is no such thing as the “Asian race”.
(this comment is mostly for fellow commenters before me)
What’s the point of dating outside your race if you know going into it you already have biast opinions about said race? If you think only your race is allowed to be judged as individuals while others get stereotyped whenever a few people from said race mess up in the relationship, then interracial dating is not for you. If you don’t have the guts to not let ignorant stereotypes cloud your judgement and you are too shy or insecure to stand up when the world or your parents is against your relationship or partner, then dating interracially is not for you. Very few people can do it and that is why if you date outside your race make sure it’s for love or at least understand the concept of yin and yang. Forget stereotypical comparisons to who is bigger down there than who or how many people like insert race. When you are in love none of that stuff matters. Ask yourselves this, does the person you are with make you happy? Do they complete you? Do they put you first above anyone else? Is their intentions with you pure? The yin and yang chart is what everyone should look at when deciding if someone is right for you. Yin and Yang are opposite but a direct metephorical reflection of the stark contrast between night and day. Everything that exists on this earth is balanced and that is how relationships should be. We would not survive if it was not for the stark contrasting balance of the universe between night and day; male and female, dark and light; warm and cool temp would not exist if it were not for hot and cold, thus making it livable for life on earth. Balance is key. The person you are with should complete you not mirror you.
Good article. Mostly true. But beware that Asian isn’t equal to Chinese.
Asian-American male here. Immigrated to San Francisco since I was 7 and have lived here for 30+ years. Attended college in a 95%+ Caucasian university and never loved White women more in my life.
I love their wide hips, stature, muscular thighs, smile, booty, pearly whites, big eyes, spunky attitude, independence, out-spokeness, and etiquettes. I wish they knew how much Asian men loves them, but Hollywood really fucked up their rep and brainwashed the world.
I’m not short by any standards (5’7”), relatively fit, great job prospects, ambitious, motivated, own assets in the Bay, know how to have a good time, sports/outdoor oriented, listen to classic rock, speak perfectly good English, watch American tv, Trump-hater, and eat more Apple pie than most Americans. But my Chinese face has all but sealed my fate with most White girls who will never realize how great a provider I would become. “Small package?” I had a full sized Blonde (Northern European) woman tell me she was pleasantly surprised. And Hell yes I’m all in on western sexual habits. I’d love me a Southern White girl, my God.
IME, the only White women that’s ever shown interest are those that are typically older than me, perhaps in unsatisfactory marriages, have realized that Asian men are great providers and family oriented. The others were because they never tried one before, so they find us “exotic.” But the latter is no longer the case because my peeps are now everywhere and are thought a lot to be homogeneous…let the world be known that a lot of my Asian American male friends feel the same way and it’s not for trophy or fetish reasons.
In terms of the Eastern/Western cultural divide, there is no taking the Chinese away from the person, not completely. All these tiger mom habits, financial needs, acamedic achievements, PDA, expectations, even poor etiquettes, etc, is a collection of residual societal, historical, and traditional norms/experiences that are closely tied to how, for a long time, the Chinese as a race, having nothing (material and basic needs) needed to survive and at desperate times resort to questionable actions. When your government provides no sense of security, you do what’s necessary. Just know where our shortcomings come from. Every country and its people had to go through the same. It’s just more pronounced with the proliferation of the Internet and media.
I consider myself very well versed as someone that understands the huge deltas between western and eastern cultures because you can’t escape family and/or your environment.
Growing up in a family of 50+ cousins and 16 aunts/uncles spanning 30+ years, our generation is constantly at cultural odds with our elders (Crazy Rich Asians). Trust me when I say we want acceptance from our Western counterparts.
I think you dated the wrong type of Chinese men. It seems like you dated a South Chinese type. For your body size you should have dated a North Chinese Heilongjiang type. South Chinese only compatible with French Southern French Spanish Italian Portuguese they are not compatible with Northern Europeans unless the are mixed because of size issues. Unless you are a pygmy North European you won’t fit. Now you can teach your children who to date. North Chinese experience the same problem as you when they date Southern Europeans. It’s a North South divide thing…not anything personal sorry you had to suffer so much…some things are incompatible and can’t be forced otherwise the experience will be very painful sometimes for life. Asians like Japanese Koreans Chinese are all a little crazy. Koreans are the craziest and Japanese least crazy. Chinese is in between. Chinese only fit Jewish Europeans because of similarities in some aspect. White people fit mostly Japanese as Japanese is like the White of Asia with baseball culture.
I’m asian, have a phd degree and inherit a million dollar income company. My caucasian female friend told me that she wished I were single since she knew i was married. From my point of view, there are many asian men who treat their women as a queen and never put a pressure on them. My parents treat me like friends and the only thing they advise me is seeking for a woman with good ethics. I know there are some asian guys out there who act really weird but it is about individual personality. I believe together with the economic shifting from west to east, there will be more elegant asian males who are husband-material in the view of white women.
This article made me cringe
After reading this, I once again remembered that every person is unique. Yes, the article states somewhat what is common or is traditional but not everyone is the same. I’m also sad about the stats regarding asian men being unwanted by almost every ethnicity. I’m a Filipino guy living in US and I’ve had some white girls crushing on me (or probably just trolling), still, it depends on what kind of person you are despite your race. We might not be as cool as white guys but I’m sure we have something to offer that they don’t right? I’m an asian guy with an insane fetish for white guys. I’d die for a date with a blonde girl with blue eyes. It might be improbable but I believe someday it can happen! #LoveKnowsNoRace