I never thought that the cultural background of a dating prospect would make much of a difference when it came to relationships. However, since living in New York, I’ve had the opportunity to meet many different people from various backgrounds and it’s become clear that there are definite cultural norms specific to European men versus American men (especially New Yorkers). I’m not to judge that one is better than the other, and mind you, my observations are based on my own experiences as well as a group of women I’ve interviewed in the last two years. The below is a list of some of the themes and commonalities observed. Now, when I discuss the differences between European and American, I’m referring to a mindset. You can very well be born in America but have a more “European” mindset and vice versa.
1. European men aren’t just aiming to score. American men on the other hand, tend to be goal oriented, with the aim of getting laid. Perhaps this ‘score mentality’ is for bragging rights, perhaps it’s for validation so they can feel wanted and desired, or perhaps it’s a pure ego play. American men will rush to get you in bed as quick as possible, while European men don’t appear to have the same rush (or desperation).
2. European men don’t ‘date’ – in the formal way that Americans are used to. The types of dates seen in movies – the formal ask, the fancy dinner and the entire dance that ensues simply doesn’t exist in the European mindset, in fact, the word “dating” isn’t even a part of their lexicon. Sure, they will go out for dinner and do fun activities, but it’s not packaged up in a formal and contrived manner.
3. European men aren’t into labelling. Unlike American culture, where there’s almost a rite of passage which takes two people from “hooking up” to “seeing each other” to “dating” to “exclusive”, these labels just aren’t a focus or concern for European men. They don’t over analyze the situation. Rather, the mentality is, “I like you, I want to see you, and if it’s enjoyable, let’s keep seeing each other”. It’s more organic and instead of defining the relationship in order to know how to act, they let the relationship unfold and the label of boyfriend/girlfriend just naturally develops in the process.
4. European men are comfortable with women, which leads to respect for women. Perhaps this has to do with their upbringing, where it’s very normal for boys and girls to play and intermingle together. They grow up developing friendships with the opposite sex and in turn, develop more empathy and understanding of the opposite sex. In American culture, there is a clear segregation of the sexes, boys play with boys and do boy things and girls do the same. Then these boys grow up and are exposed to the opposite sex in an abrupt, often sexualized way. The consequence of this is a lack of understanding of women, a lack of comfort and often, a lack of respect.
5. European men are raised to have great manners. This is definitely seen in how they treat not only women, but everyone around them. There is a courtesy, consideration, chivalry and thoughtfulness in how they act, behave and engage with others. They are also raised with strong family and community values, so there is a sense of responsibility and accountability for others, not just for the self. American culture raises children to be fiercely independent and to look out for ‘number one’. This breeds a generation of men who have habits of looking after their own needs versus the needs of the collective.
6. Europeans don’t get their sexual education from porn. For example, in the Netherlands, comprehensive sexuality education starts at age four. In America, sexual education is not taught until one hits their teens, if they are taught at all. The topic is still taboo and filled with shame. It’s no surprise that American men are left to their own devices, subconsciously learning about sex through porn and the media.
“Many American men are getting their sexual education from porn.”
7. European men do not “ghost”. Instead of cruelly dismissing someone by disappearing, they communicate that they are not interested. Again, this comes down to respect and manners.
8. European men have a different perception of beauty. As the media in Europe is a lot more heavily monitored, Europeans grow up surrounded by media and images of women who are curvy, comfortable in their own skin, and sensual (versus overly sexualized). The latest law passed in France where excessively skinny models need to prove their health is a testament to that. But when you’re surrounded by American media, filled with Barbie dolls, waif skinny models and Baywatch breasts, the idea of what ‘beauty’ is becomes skewed.
9. European men have a quiet confidence, a demeanor that doesn’t need to scream out loud to prove themselves. The American way is loud and even arrogant at times.
10. American men like to date around. The dating culture involves trying out many different options at the same time. Call it the revolving door or hedging – there’s the idea in the American approach to dating that there’s always something better around the corner. With European men, if there’s mutual interest, they keep seeing that person and don’t keep hunting for better options simultaneously. The dynamic may or may not move into a serious relationship, but they are not trying to gather other options or back up plans in case it doesn’t.
11. European men don’t play games. Nor will they freak out when discussions of commitment or future come up. Americans (both men and women) have been socialized to play games, to act unavailable, to wait a particular amount of time before texting back… There are a set of ritualized rules that are abided by in American dating culture, and if you don’t play within them, you are labeled as desperate or needy or undesirable.
So does this mean the only hope for a happy, committed relationship is to move to another country? Not at all. As mentioned above, the observations summarized above are not really about where one is born, but rather a mentality that is influenced by societal and cultural values. We must be aware of our own behavior in the dating game, because we are active participants in how we are treated. We must take a look at who we are drawn to in the first place, and why. If you keep attracting (and are attracted to) men who are emotionally unavailable and who treat you poorly, then it really doesn’t matter if your dating prospects are from France, New York, Vancouver or Mars – the shift needs to occur within you first and foremost. In fact, you may be experiencing attractions of deprivation, where you try to recreate the issues from childhood in your romantic partners. To find out more, read this article on “Why Do Good Women Pick the Wrong Men.“
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
What Posting Inspirational Quotes Really Says About You
I can’t stand American men, the author hit the nail on the head.
Yes!! This is true… I dated a man from a scandinavian country for many months and its true, he was classy, paid attention to me, was very empathetic and listened to my thoughts and concerns about a lot of random topics… As a dark skinned sista I was shocked at how attentive he was (cuz I’m not use to anybody caring haha) ! Although the relationship didn’t work out long term, I will never forget it. Never had such an easy and comfortable time with any American men (black, white or etc) I’ve dealt with, dating or otherwise. And I never date, hardly have time to, this guy was just awesome to me in the months we had together… Just my two cents tho 🙂
Girl, I feel the same way as a Black American. I have never dated a European man but desire to as I am an older woman and haven’t been in any relationships or dates in 14 years. As a single mother of two children with Americans (one is Caucasian and other is Black American) fathers. Never again. I am open-minded and stuck living in the South. Too many males are controlling, abusive, insecure, manipulative, irrational, non-romantic, shallow (Lord help me!!), closed-minded, lack intellectualism but that has been what I feel with American males. I had been in a conversation with a married European man with a Peruvian wife and we all had dinner one night and his view of my situation was like tragic, lol! He was so shocked that someone like me didn’t have a husband or in ANY relationships because I had this physical attractiveness and regal features and thought..Why?? I feel I am better compatible with someone European because of my values, belief, and interests which don’t appeal to American males at all.
And where have you visited besides California and New York? Those two places have so much immigration that they are a completely different culture from the rest of the country.
Dating a white american guy, I am from the US too. Needless to say this is the first tiem I have ever been in a relationship where everything is cut down and split down to 50/50. Even asks to give back uber rides. Berates me for not being “ambitious” enough, even though I am satisfied in my career and taking steps to promotions. I am very hard working, but I dont want to just focus on money 24/7. I have never been wined and dined and spoiled. My soul craves to be connected to someone, and I can never have that with a man whos sole focus is money and greed. Frankly the only girls these guys deserve are money grubbing gold diggers who eventually cheat , betray them, take their kids and suck them for child support money.
Be careful, sweetie. You deserve a quality relationship and it will come. I have been celibate for 14 years, never married, single mother of two.
Oh my God this article is f****** b*******! I lived in England and known several men who are possessive, psychotic, crass and rude. It’s not even as safe in Liverpool as it is in Atlanta! These people are hostile, angry. Because the parents scream at them so horribly they in turn scream at their spouses when they get older and I was demeaned down to the the smallest fraction. Projected worthlessness because of how much their parents screamed… That type of abuse that English children indoor makes makes them better. I couldn’t make any woman friends
I found out about #10 the hard way. 2 months after we met, he asked to be exclusive. He was f…g other women the whole time! Asshole!
As a guy who somehow stumbled upon this article and instinctively decided to read comments I have to say that women need to train themselves to spot the signs of guys who are like this. Is he overly charming and superficial? Does he tell you just what you want to hear when you want or need to hear it?
Modern society has frankly turned dating into work. Thats what it is. Work. Its not enjoyable nor is it fulfilling unless you are into endless hookups and mountains of emotional baggage likely acquired as a result of your dates own past escapades.
Thanks for adding your insight.
Well,you realize Europe is very diverse,and there are different mindsets from country to country,we in eastern Europe are more similar to Russians or western Asians than western Europeans,in fact we see them as being dumb and very stupid and also very weak man,Western Europeans developed with as sense of superiority,but without Eastern Europe they would be invaded numerous times by the Ottomans or Persians.
As an European woman I’m fed up with having to put up with American men on the internet. Do they ever stop using any chance to nag on about women? They make groups saying they don’t want women, but instead of leaving women alone to have hero gentlemen types that women prefer, they spend their time online trying to make women feel bad about themselves
Hit the nail on the head! so many f*ckboys in North America (it’s not just the US – Canadian guys are d*cks too).
Every European man I’ve ever had an encounter with has been nothing short of charming and kind.
New York is a terrible gauge of American culture, since it has the least of it. It’s where the majority of immigrants go to, and is where Americans all go to experience OTHER cultures. Visit the Midwest or the South. I’ve lived in both and the dating scene seems strikingly similar to the European standards described. Once you get away from the areas where there are lots of minorites, and the “white” culture starts to show, it is very much like in Europe.
Bwahahaha. Is this a joke? In New York, it’s actually the foreign males that are the most respectful. There are many white trash from “Midwest” and “south” in New York. They’re degenerate to the core. They have no respect for women let alone human beings. I’ve lived in the Midwest myself as a foreigner. You people have no values. Men are entitled, arrogant, unapologetic, with little to no morals. And they’re also fat and ugly with no fashion sense. Many look like they stepped out of a trailer park after doing some drugs. Whites and blacks in america have no values. And many of them come from Midwest and South. That’s why the divorce rate in those places are so high. Get a life. You’re trash and where you live is even trashier with its giant parking lots and Walmart. No culture.
Ahaa, I see, I see. You are one of those that think that people form the Midwest have no culture…
Let me guess, you came from a large city and moved to a small Midwestern town (the Midwest is the heart of small-town America). Many other people form large cities have said the same thing. The poor fools… You see, in the city, pleasures are readily available, and have destroyed the culture. The culture there is just about getting pleasure, like going to clubs, parties, drinking, dating, ect. Don’t you realize how shallow all of this is? Don’t you see that the people who engage in this have no substance to them? Do you think they could have a deep thought if they tried? Meanwhile, in the Midwest, there are generally small towns that don’t have all these pleasures available. People have held on to their culture. My family settled there a century and a half ago, and we still have our family reunion every year where hundreds of people show up. A small neighboring town does a German themed festival every year, since most of the people there have German heritage. But this is not really culture. I bet you thought I was going to say something like “look, see how they hold on to their roots? See how cultured they are?”… Alas, this is not their culture. Their culture is that of what they do now. They have left their foreign cultures behind, and taken on a uniquely American culture; the sort that built the country and propelled it to be the most prosperous nation in the history of human civilization. They are ranchers and farmers. They don’t have much, but they are satisfied with that, because their faith in God keeps them from wanting. They live and die in those small towns, and everyone around is family. These are people who would give you the shirt off their backs. These are people who will strike up a conversation with you because they can’t help but talk to the stranger in town. They do not like being shallow. They don’t have an agenda. In the city, people come and talk to you, and pretend to be your best friend in order to get something from you. It’s so common that people have begun to expect it. I knew a man that went to a small town after having lived in San Diego, and he couldn’t stand the people there. They were honest, and didn’t try and pretend to be his best friend. They either told him what terms he was on with them, or didn’t speak. Usually, they wanted to be friends, and they started right off giving deep conversations, as what friendship is true if it consists only of petty speech? Now my friend, THAT is culture. That is a people whose true hearts are right on the surface. My friend hated it, because he was used to the fake glamor of the shallow city. The problem is that he had not been raised in any culture. I expect you’ve had the same. You’ve been raised in a mix of the stereotypes of a lot of cultures, as this is what happens when people mingle together in a large city. You get the restaurants, and the festivals, but not much more depth than that. I recon you never truly were exposed to a real culture until you lived in the Midwest, and just as my friend, you hated it because you wanted to take the easy road and be a shallow worthless soul who cared about pleasure first and foremost. You might have gathered bits and pieces of cultures, but never saw the full effect until you left the city. Sand now you scoff at those with culture, because you don’t understand what it means to have one. “Fat and ugly”, you say. “Trash”, you call them. “people with no fashion sense”, you say, as if outward appearances matter. You are proving my point, as you seem to really believe that fashion and looks can get you somewhere. Do you not know that they don’t care what you say? They are aware that the rest of the world hates them, but they also know why, when their persecutors themselves don’t. They have something real, while their persecutors have only vanity. Their persecutors think that they are just trashy, stupid people, and that clubs and a booming nightlife is culture. But all the while, they are wanting, looking for satisfaction in life. One can’t find that on the surface. They see how those of the small towns are satisfied with life, and they can’t comprehend it, because there are no clubs and bars everywhere to satisfy them. They foolishly write them off as just being stupid simpletons, who must be satisfied with the mediocre. But the persecutors themselves are the fools, as they don’t recognize the path to happiness, and instead take the wide road to Hell. I strive to be one of those satisfied people. I was raised with them. Come, join me, and be a real person… not some mindless pleasure seeker.
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Ahaa, I see, I see. You are one of those that think that people form the Midwest have no culture…
Let me guess, you came from a large city and moved to a small Midwestern town (the Midwest is the heart of small-town America). Many other people form large cities have said the same thing. The poor fools… You see, in the city, pleasures are readily available, and have destroyed the culture. The culture there is just about getting pleasure, like going to clubs, parties, drinking, dating, ect. Don’t you realize how shallow all of this is? Don’t you see that the people who engage in this have no substance to them? Do you think they could have a deep thought if they tried? Meanwhile, in the Midwest, there are generally small towns that don’t have all these pleasures available. People have held on to their culture. My family settled there a century and a half ago, and we still have our family reunion every year where hundreds of people show up. A small neighboring town does a German themed festival every year, since most of the people there have German heritage.
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This article is obviously not including Greek men on European. They are the exact opposite of everything listed here as European.
This is pure bull!!!!! Rude, horrible and abusive men!!!!!!!