I never thought that the cultural background of a dating prospect would make much of a difference when it came to relationships. However, since living in New York, I’ve had the opportunity to meet many different people from various backgrounds and it’s become clear that there are definite cultural norms specific to European men versus American men (especially New Yorkers). I’m not to judge that one is better than the other, and mind you, my observations are based on my own experiences as well as a group of women I’ve interviewed in the last two years. The below is a list of some of the themes and commonalities observed. Now, when I discuss the differences between European and American, I’m referring to a mindset. You can very well be born in America but have a more “European” mindset and vice versa.
1. European men aren’t just aiming to score. American men on the other hand, tend to be goal oriented, with the aim of getting laid. Perhaps this ‘score mentality’ is for bragging rights, perhaps it’s for validation so they can feel wanted and desired, or perhaps it’s a pure ego play. American men will rush to get you in bed as quick as possible, while European men don’t appear to have the same rush (or desperation).
2. European men don’t ‘date’ – in the formal way that Americans are used to. The types of dates seen in movies – the formal ask, the fancy dinner and the entire dance that ensues simply doesn’t exist in the European mindset, in fact, the word “dating” isn’t even a part of their lexicon. Sure, they will go out for dinner and do fun activities, but it’s not packaged up in a formal and contrived manner.
3. European men aren’t into labelling. Unlike American culture, where there’s almost a rite of passage which takes two people from “hooking up” to “seeing each other” to “dating” to “exclusive”, these labels just aren’t a focus or concern for European men. They don’t over analyze the situation. Rather, the mentality is, “I like you, I want to see you, and if it’s enjoyable, let’s keep seeing each other”. It’s more organic and instead of defining the relationship in order to know how to act, they let the relationship unfold and the label of boyfriend/girlfriend just naturally develops in the process.
4. European men are comfortable with women, which leads to respect for women. Perhaps this has to do with their upbringing, where it’s very normal for boys and girls to play and intermingle together. They grow up developing friendships with the opposite sex and in turn, develop more empathy and understanding of the opposite sex. In American culture, there is a clear segregation of the sexes, boys play with boys and do boy things and girls do the same. Then these boys grow up and are exposed to the opposite sex in an abrupt, often sexualized way. The consequence of this is a lack of understanding of women, a lack of comfort and often, a lack of respect.
5. European men are raised to have great manners. This is definitely seen in how they treat not only women, but everyone around them. There is a courtesy, consideration, chivalry and thoughtfulness in how they act, behave and engage with others. They are also raised with strong family and community values, so there is a sense of responsibility and accountability for others, not just for the self. American culture raises children to be fiercely independent and to look out for ‘number one’. This breeds a generation of men who have habits of looking after their own needs versus the needs of the collective.
6. Europeans don’t get their sexual education from porn. For example, in the Netherlands, comprehensive sexuality education starts at age four. In America, sexual education is not taught until one hits their teens, if they are taught at all. The topic is still taboo and filled with shame. It’s no surprise that American men are left to their own devices, subconsciously learning about sex through porn and the media.
“Many American men are getting their sexual education from porn.”
7. European men do not “ghost”. Instead of cruelly dismissing someone by disappearing, they communicate that they are not interested. Again, this comes down to respect and manners.
8. European men have a different perception of beauty. As the media in Europe is a lot more heavily monitored, Europeans grow up surrounded by media and images of women who are curvy, comfortable in their own skin, and sensual (versus overly sexualized). The latest law passed in France where excessively skinny models need to prove their health is a testament to that. But when you’re surrounded by American media, filled with Barbie dolls, waif skinny models and Baywatch breasts, the idea of what ‘beauty’ is becomes skewed.
9. European men have a quiet confidence, a demeanor that doesn’t need to scream out loud to prove themselves. The American way is loud and even arrogant at times.
10. American men like to date around. The dating culture involves trying out many different options at the same time. Call it the revolving door or hedging – there’s the idea in the American approach to dating that there’s always something better around the corner. With European men, if there’s mutual interest, they keep seeing that person and don’t keep hunting for better options simultaneously. The dynamic may or may not move into a serious relationship, but they are not trying to gather other options or back up plans in case it doesn’t.
11. European men don’t play games. Nor will they freak out when discussions of commitment or future come up. Americans (both men and women) have been socialized to play games, to act unavailable, to wait a particular amount of time before texting back… There are a set of ritualized rules that are abided by in American dating culture, and if you don’t play within them, you are labeled as desperate or needy or undesirable.
So does this mean the only hope for a happy, committed relationship is to move to another country? Not at all. As mentioned above, the observations summarized above are not really about where one is born, but rather a mentality that is influenced by societal and cultural values. We must be aware of our own behavior in the dating game, because we are active participants in how we are treated. We must take a look at who we are drawn to in the first place, and why. If you keep attracting (and are attracted to) men who are emotionally unavailable and who treat you poorly, then it really doesn’t matter if your dating prospects are from France, New York, Vancouver or Mars – the shift needs to occur within you first and foremost. In fact, you may be experiencing attractions of deprivation, where you try to recreate the issues from childhood in your romantic partners. To find out more, read this article on “Why Do Good Women Pick the Wrong Men.“
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
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As a dutchie I just wanna say that children don’t get sexeducation when there are 4. Where did you get that from? Mosly first year of higschool (12 years old) and sometimes the end of primary school (10-12 years old).
A lot of the other stuff is pretty accurate actually. I dont wanna mix in these crazy comments. Please act like an educated adult (if you are).
So wrong British man hands all over on first date. Talking about British are better than Americans can’t even watch a movie without that crap coming up. He’s a slob cuts grass with weed eater leaving it all in the street. Sex is about pass relationship he gets excited not loving words or compassion. Had to say goodbye worst relationship ever.
Thank you for such an honest article! As an American female who has lived all over the globe and has dated foreigners, you’re article is dead on in the differences. I’ve tried dating American men but these same issues that you mentioned above always come to play. I’m better off being alone and waiting for a nice foreign guy than to continue dating American men. They are a brutal lot who see women as good as their next blow job, nothing more, nothing less.
Too true. You can be gorgeous, easy-going, great sense of humor. Men are taught to devalue women, we are “sluts” and “whores.” I have not gotten involved with American men, just trying to hold a date up is brutal. My grandfather was married to my grandmother after his time in the war. They were together for over 60 years. But in today’s modern media world, that relationship is laughed at and scoffed. What did it bring my family? Love, joy, peace, security.
Now the American heart is full of frustration and longing, not even knowing what the heck is going on with this social engineering to break the spirit of women, and men, and future children who will be indoctrinated.
But don’t forget, men who are this empty lose out in the end. No woman wants that kind of “porny” affection.
I gotta say as an American-born woman, of British parents, who has lived in a number of European countries this is pretty accurate. It is part of why I’ve never held any interest in multi-generational American men.
1) There’s Americans, going off what relatives/colleagues/friends have relied, who tend to put far more merit (/too much merit) to “scoring” than Europeans. The chap I’m interested in as example is 1st generation American, Central European parents, and we’re still toying with the idea of “dating” per American terms a year later. If he were multi-generational American, going off what other women I’ve known have experienced, he’d have hightailed it for “easier game” months ago.
2) No dating doesn’t really exist as per Americans. Americans have a tendency to think a dinner date, as example, means a kiss good night (or first-date sex). There’s for some a sense of obligation to ‘return the favor’ with dating. The chap I mentioned above offered me coffee/brunch, however, there were to be blunt no strings attached and it was as much a chance to simply get to know one another as it could lead to more.
3) as above in #2
4) Not necessarily. Italian men, as a rather easy example, can be broken into two types – the mannerly/courteous and the cassanova. The cassanova has something of a bad reputation among other Italians and as such typically targets know-no-better/thinks-this-is-proper-Italian-behaviour foreigners (hence why the cassanova ‘birthed’ the stereotype Italian men are ‘horn dogs’).
5) as above in #4 this isn’t always the case.
6) This is partially true. Don’t think porn doesn’t exist in Europe. Or that it is all respect. I remember a friend’s father (European born) taking his son to a brothel house for his education into the softer sex when the boy was 15. Why does it stand out with me being a woman? Because my brother happened to be invited too (friend’s father was gonna pay for all their ‘education’) and overheard my parents talking about it.
7) …
8) This is again partially true. Beauty isn’t half starved or overly artificial (or cheap) as it in the Americas. I am not skinny myself (not obese either) but curvy and most of the attention I get is from immigrant or 1st generation Americans. There’s also the fact that, depending on the culture, men happen to like a woman with a backbone (who is self sufficient) while in the Americas the growing ideal is whimsical bobblehead twits (e.g. Kardashians).
9) Indeed. But then, in many ways, this just reflects American culture. Loud, pushy, etc.
10) & 11) – again not always but indeed pretty accurate. Americans are, in a way, quite fickle with their favours. Might be an Anglophone thing though as British (Australians, etc) can be quite similar.
This is spot-on, from an American woman who has been married to a European (French) man for 15 years. The American men I dated (and about whom my single friends currently lament about dating) were just like this article: loud, boorish, so many BS games, ghosting, full of themselves for no reason. I live in SoCal so it’s even worse. The guys here are very immature – it’s like they aspire to be teen boys forever and ever.
What’s worse is how they view women. The more artificial-looking, the better. And they prefer absolute bimbos who have no brains, can’t cook, and then they wonder why these women are vapid, cheat, and so on.
My husband isn’t perfect by any means, but I prefer his calm, cool confidence over any of these insecure d*ckheads and I feel sorry for my friends dating in OC, California!
There are so many problems with this article I wont’ go into them all. But first of all-there are plenty of womanizing European men. They may not like ‘labels’ but that is because often they are don’t want that kind of commitment. Also-men in countries like France in Italy certainly do want very slim women and have been raised on a diet of ultra thin Italian and French models as well as surrounded with women who go to great lengths to remain slim including simply not eating. this is more true in Italy and France than even the U.S. but also some other European countries. it varies widely depending on country and culture. Every European country is not the same culturally or in regards to dating. In some countries there is 0 ‘chivalry’ (or what those of us in U.S would consider chivalry)-it doesn’t exist as a concept. Men don’t open doors, don’t pay for drinks, don’t do any of those things some women think men should do-their countries don’t differentiate between men and women in that way. In others there is far more outward chivalry (France, Italy…. ) but much less loyalty and fidelity and in fact infidelity is an expected and accepted way of life even for those who are married. In still others-there is a balance and things don’t tend to be extreme on any spectrum.
Just like in the U.S-some men will be great, educated, down to earth and polite, well mannered. Respectful. Others will be out to get laid. It’s your choice in the US to date only the good guys just like it is in Europe. I’ve had nothing but respectful, educated, well mannered and open minded partners in the U.S. Just like the partners I selected in Europe. They are never the rule-they are the exception.
The only correct thing in this article is that Europeans don’t ‘date’ and it’s not even in their vocabulary. this is true. But it’s also true that if you see a European man quite a few times-you still may not be ‘dating’ (as far as what you as an american woman would expect) and they may have no serious intentions with you at all. Just because they don’t ‘date’ doesnt’ mean you are automatically the only person they are seeing if they are seeing you.
And finally, in the largest cities, even in Europe, there are many many men who just date and sleep around and are looking for sex. You just may not be able to smell it out as easily.
Absolutly not! I’m french girl, and live in Paris for a long time, i’m 33, nd my friends and i have lot of problem to find good boy because french are exactly like you describe the american boys!
European men do ghost, there are lots of f*ckboys in Europe as well who just want to get you into bed (only they don’t admit it to your face) and we do have words for “dating”. A lot of American women tend to think of the high-class wealthy gentleman from London whom they meet in some sorta New York coffee shop or at an art exhibition as “the European” and tend to generalize and further project that image onto average people who still live on the mainland and can’t afford frequent visits to the US. I don’t blame the author, there could definitely be the possibility that the Europeans she has encountered so far (in America) (that are noticed as “Europeans” whereas most average European tourists tend to blend in) tend to be of the rich type, so I see where the delusion may come from. But again, those are only a handful of guys. May I also note that Europe is not one huge country, we have a lot of different cultures and even in each country, there are regional differences. But well, I’m happy to admit our education in general tends to be of greater value and maybe us Europeans do have a tad more class.
I was literally ghosted by a 29-year-old German man a few months after this article was written. After 2 months of dating. Yes, European men ghost. Before they’re European, they’re human after all. With all the same potential to be jerks and cowards in the end.
Sounds like you are basing “American men” solely on “New York men”. Get away from the coast in the USA and you find better people.