I never thought that the cultural background of a dating prospect would make much of a difference when it came to relationships. However, since living in New York, I’ve had the opportunity to meet many different people from various backgrounds and it’s become clear that there are definite cultural norms specific to European men versus American men (especially New Yorkers). I’m not to judge that one is better than the other, and mind you, my observations are based on my own experiences as well as a group of women I’ve interviewed in the last two years. The below is a list of some of the themes and commonalities observed. Now, when I discuss the differences between European and American, I’m referring to a mindset. You can very well be born in America but have a more “European” mindset and vice versa.
1. European men aren’t just aiming to score. American men on the other hand, tend to be goal oriented, with the aim of getting laid. Perhaps this ‘score mentality’ is for bragging rights, perhaps it’s for validation so they can feel wanted and desired, or perhaps it’s a pure ego play. American men will rush to get you in bed as quick as possible, while European men don’t appear to have the same rush (or desperation).
2. European men don’t ‘date’ – in the formal way that Americans are used to. The types of dates seen in movies – the formal ask, the fancy dinner and the entire dance that ensues simply doesn’t exist in the European mindset, in fact, the word “dating” isn’t even a part of their lexicon. Sure, they will go out for dinner and do fun activities, but it’s not packaged up in a formal and contrived manner.
3. European men aren’t into labelling. Unlike American culture, where there’s almost a rite of passage which takes two people from “hooking up” to “seeing each other” to “dating” to “exclusive”, these labels just aren’t a focus or concern for European men. They don’t over analyze the situation. Rather, the mentality is, “I like you, I want to see you, and if it’s enjoyable, let’s keep seeing each other”. It’s more organic and instead of defining the relationship in order to know how to act, they let the relationship unfold and the label of boyfriend/girlfriend just naturally develops in the process.
4. European men are comfortable with women, which leads to respect for women. Perhaps this has to do with their upbringing, where it’s very normal for boys and girls to play and intermingle together. They grow up developing friendships with the opposite sex and in turn, develop more empathy and understanding of the opposite sex. In American culture, there is a clear segregation of the sexes, boys play with boys and do boy things and girls do the same. Then these boys grow up and are exposed to the opposite sex in an abrupt, often sexualized way. The consequence of this is a lack of understanding of women, a lack of comfort and often, a lack of respect.
5. European men are raised to have great manners. This is definitely seen in how they treat not only women, but everyone around them. There is a courtesy, consideration, chivalry and thoughtfulness in how they act, behave and engage with others. They are also raised with strong family and community values, so there is a sense of responsibility and accountability for others, not just for the self. American culture raises children to be fiercely independent and to look out for ‘number one’. This breeds a generation of men who have habits of looking after their own needs versus the needs of the collective.
6. Europeans don’t get their sexual education from porn. For example, in the Netherlands, comprehensive sexuality education starts at age four. In America, sexual education is not taught until one hits their teens, if they are taught at all. The topic is still taboo and filled with shame. It’s no surprise that American men are left to their own devices, subconsciously learning about sex through porn and the media.
“Many American men are getting their sexual education from porn.”
7. European men do not “ghost”. Instead of cruelly dismissing someone by disappearing, they communicate that they are not interested. Again, this comes down to respect and manners.
8. European men have a different perception of beauty. As the media in Europe is a lot more heavily monitored, Europeans grow up surrounded by media and images of women who are curvy, comfortable in their own skin, and sensual (versus overly sexualized). The latest law passed in France where excessively skinny models need to prove their health is a testament to that. But when you’re surrounded by American media, filled with Barbie dolls, waif skinny models and Baywatch breasts, the idea of what ‘beauty’ is becomes skewed.
9. European men have a quiet confidence, a demeanor that doesn’t need to scream out loud to prove themselves. The American way is loud and even arrogant at times.
10. American men like to date around. The dating culture involves trying out many different options at the same time. Call it the revolving door or hedging – there’s the idea in the American approach to dating that there’s always something better around the corner. With European men, if there’s mutual interest, they keep seeing that person and don’t keep hunting for better options simultaneously. The dynamic may or may not move into a serious relationship, but they are not trying to gather other options or back up plans in case it doesn’t.
11. European men don’t play games. Nor will they freak out when discussions of commitment or future come up. Americans (both men and women) have been socialized to play games, to act unavailable, to wait a particular amount of time before texting back… There are a set of ritualized rules that are abided by in American dating culture, and if you don’t play within them, you are labeled as desperate or needy or undesirable.
So does this mean the only hope for a happy, committed relationship is to move to another country? Not at all. As mentioned above, the observations summarized above are not really about where one is born, but rather a mentality that is influenced by societal and cultural values. We must be aware of our own behavior in the dating game, because we are active participants in how we are treated. We must take a look at who we are drawn to in the first place, and why. If you keep attracting (and are attracted to) men who are emotionally unavailable and who treat you poorly, then it really doesn’t matter if your dating prospects are from France, New York, Vancouver or Mars – the shift needs to occur within you first and foremost. In fact, you may be experiencing attractions of deprivation, where you try to recreate the issues from childhood in your romantic partners. To find out more, read this article on “Why Do Good Women Pick the Wrong Men.“
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
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As a european man, living in europe…I must say this article is pure click-seeking conjecture. Im sure my fellow european males would love american women to come looking for us, but this article will lead to disappointment. Good & bad is the same all over the world
Seems like you haven’t had any luck dating American men, poor thing, most of us just aren’t into your typical Asian woman. In most instances physically they do not stack up with Caucasian, Hispanic or African-American women. They tend to be more annoying as well. But it sure sounds like you found yourself a great European man, good for you.
To Jen:
European or american is not a race. In Europe like in America there is too many races. Asians, white, Black, latins, arabs….so your argument doesn´t make any sense.
I agree is too steriotype and of coure Europeans “ghost”, play games and are aiming to score.
Is not a continent issue is an educational issue. And yes, most of European men are raised to have great manners. Silly but simple example. Every time my european husband yield his seat to an american pregnant woman in NY, she hallucinates and thanks him 100 times
As someone who was born in Europe, and raised in the US (with European upbringing) I found this article interesting. I acknowledge the writer for trying draw useful distinctions between the two type of men. Not easy to do of course.
I think I embody both the US mentality (from school/work/social setting) and the European mentality (from my family upbringing) and see myself in several of the points made above. I though point #5 was dead-on.
Certainly, there are a lot of generalizations. For example “European men have a quiet confidence, a demeanor that doesn’t need to scream out loud to prove themselves.” Have you ever visited Italy? Albania? Ibiza?
The other complication is generalizing New Yorkers as US men. If you go to the midwest (where I’ve lived) or the South, manners and upbringing is a bigger deal there. From my experience, New Yorkers (I am one) are more goal oriented and have less patience and appreciation for one particular person, which can cause or shortage of manners, leads to ghosting, etc. And I hear this is true of some other big cities as well, like LA.
Overall, cool article. Definitely got some people thinking and talking. Hope my points shed a little more light. Good luck to everyone in their dating pursuits! (from a European/American romantic).
This article would be a little more appealing if the author had acknowledged at least one concession. The title is misleading, it’s not a comparison as much as a one sided bashing. Read up on how the Russians treated German women after the war and maybe the romanticized vision of European men will be a little tarnished. BUT it was an entertaining read and for that, the article delivered. Nice job Amy, I hope my criticism wasn’t too harsh!
Good point.
I wanted to give some feedback on this article, even though I have no experience dating men from America or Europe.
I just finished traveling in Europe for the past year, with the majority of my stay in Spain, I visited 15 different countries throughout Europe and the majority of the time stayed with friends/locals in each area.
The first thought I would like to share… It’s absolutely insane to generalize such a culturally rich area such as Europe with blanket statements. Germans interact with the opposite sex completely differently then the Spanish, and the Spanish interact completely different then the English. Each country I went to gender roles would be completely different and the outlook on sex would stem from a completely different role depending on their cultural values…
For example, when I was in Cordoba – Spain I was speaking with my cousins how the men interact… and they all same the same thing.. They are very forward with what the want, the will promise you the world and they will not hesitate to make a move. I asked how the women were… and they said they are typically really traditional with dating and sleeping with the opposite sex, but they don’t mind meeting a guy and dancing all night with the… but it rarely ends with sex. I know my friends in spain that were male, would often have no problem speaking with multiple women at a time while they were in relationships.
I asked my friend in Finland how it was… and they said they are a very sexually liberal culture and the women have no problem sleeping with someone on the first date.
The Germans were a little bit more old fashion and it was something that would progress.
Overall, there is are many different things that involved…
I think the main difference would be…. The European mean dress better.
I just arrived from out of country a few days ago and was really hoping for a good and indepth look, but this is just simply to subjective, personalize and generalized to hold any water… But you are a good writer!
although I do agree with a lot in this post, I am often quite annoyed, when US people use the term “European” about something. We are very different here, compared to differences between states in the U.S.
Europe is especially different, when you compare Northern, Southern and Eastern.
That is good to keep in mind 😉
You seem to have developed quite a platform for yourself & are a good writer that has an awful lot of value to add. Congratulations. Obviously, there’s something to be said for writing articles such as this as they draw attention & they are good marketing.
You do have some interesting cultural commentary with some elements to be true however there is an important dynamic you have left out of the equation. American women, how they act, and what they want. You can’t adequately describe American men without describing the feminine.
Have you interviewed both European men and American men to get their perspective?
I have both European men and American men friends and from my experience just as many Europeans are looking to get laid as American men. And many American men simply want to meet a great women that they can spend time with. If it results in sex, great. If not, that’s OK also. And both European & American would of course love the sex. I’ve also found the same with the “date around” equation. I know just as many European men that date around as American men and the vast majority of American men would love to be with one woman.
I’m sorry you seem to have come across some bad men in NYC. The vast number of men I spend time with are respectful of women irregardless of culture.
Let’s agree to disagree. It’s common when you are getting a lot of what you don’t want to put a disproportionate amount of favor on something unique & in a smaller sample size (European men). And congrats, dating European men seems to work for you.
I respect the right to your opinion but unless you have dated hundreds of American men and hundreds of European men and/or have done a study of hundreds and hundreds of different types of men & women to be careful about generalizations and stereotypes.
This is pretty much what my girlfriends (a very international group) say about dating here in the US. Personally I think that the American “dating game” is totally messed up, and I’m so glad I don’t have to participate (happily married for 23 years to an intelligent, well mannered, sexy European guy) and I feel really bad for my single friends, as well as for my daughters. I seriously hope they will hook up with somebody from Europe or another country abroad. Traveling encouraged!
I am a living example of these differences:
Was dating a wonderful European guy but ended up married to a fake wonderful American and only now, after almost 10 years I can confirm each and every one of these points, literally ALL of them…
Needles to say I am now ready to go back to my new gentleman soulmate that I am sure will find back in Europe…
There is always hope…