A year ago today, the hardest words I think a woman will ever hear were said to me.
“I don’t love you anymore.”
“I no longer want to spend the rest of my life… with you.”
I can still remember the blur, the feeling, the crushing physical pain that shocked through my heart… the numbness. Within a matter of five words, my entire world, the reality that I based my life around – was shattered.
Just…like…that.
I thought I would eventually just run out of tears – I mean, was it even possible for a girl to cry so much, and still have more tears left to shed? In all honesty, I didn’t see it coming. Quitting, not working things out – those were not even options that crossed my mind even in the toughest times. The ironic thing is, it ended when I thought things were going so well. Perhaps I was in denial; perhaps my commitment to fight for something I believed in, and my devotion to honor loyalty and commitment outweighed my rationale.
I felt like I had lost my best friend, I doubted myself and questioned if “I was good enough”. I wondered what was so wrong with me – that someone who had once envisioned an entire lifetime together, could just change their mind in what seemed like an impulsive instant.
I was broken for a long while, even if I didn’t show it to the world, and nothing could fix me. One night, I found out he had moved on – and offered that same world that was once painted for me…to another person. If I had thought before that I couldn’t be broken anymore, I found out that night I was wrong. Shattered in a million pieces again – there I was, on the floor of my bathroom, in my beautiful vintage dress, crying and crying and crying some more…I felt so alone.
But eventually, piece by piece, I started to come together again. Time was my glue, along with amazing friends, self reflection and planting seeds of joy that were not dependant on external variables. Today, marks a year later, and I’m happy and proud to say, that those seeds have really started to sow.
A year later, I have deepened my friendships with existing friends, cultivated relationships with new friends, opened up to meeting different people, and have built a community that is based on value exchange, growth and support. I sold my condo – a property I had purchased for all the wrong reasons and have moved in to a loft that finally feels like home. In my career, I held out moving to another company until the absolute right fit came along, and that time has come. I’ve accepted an amazing opportunity at my dream job.
And in my heart, I feel content. Before, I was always either looking for someone, with someone or missing someone. For the first time in my life, I am happy being just as I am. And while things are really on the right track, I feel that even if I lost the external factors – I’d still get up and adapt…my joy is my own.
A year later, I can look back and see clearly how the longevity of that relationship didn’t happen for a reason. I have learned that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot lose yourself and change the person you once were. Despite the many laughs and beautiful moments we shared, at the very truth of it, it didn’t fit. And I knew that deep down – whether I wanted to admit it or not. So did he. He just chose to face the truth.
If you’re reading this, and going through a similar experience, I hope that this piece gives you some hope and maybe some relief – that yes, it sucks right now as you’re going through it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. And as you slowly reach it, things just start to make sense more and more. You grow so much, and when you look back, all you have are your lessons learned, the clarity to make better choices and the knowing that you handled yourself with grace, with class and without regret.
We are all familiar with the old adage, “Everything happens for a reason”. But the opposite is also true. “Everything doesn’t happen for a reason”. When something doesn’t work out according to plan, it’s natural for us to feel upset, slighted, or unfairly punished by the universe, but when you eventually get through it and look back, in retrospect you realize how one door didn’t open because you were meant to walk through another.
Photo credit: Todd Klassy
12 Ways to Tell You’re a Douchebag
This is my absolute favourite quote from that book. It holds a lot of personal meaning for me. Great illustration 🙂
Your writing is amazing. This post definitely struck a chord with me. In a way, I re-lived my personal experience just from reading it. My experience is actually quite similar to yours, but the reasons were different. I know how it feels to doubt oneself and be broken. But to bring yourself back from such a devastating experience is very empowering. And to look back at the past to see where you went wrong and to know better for next time, it’s comforting in a way. I’m glad to hear that you are content now and have accomplished so much in a year, you should proud of yourself!
From my experience, I learned that “love just isn’t enough” to keep two people together – it takes work.
It’s funny that you mention that old adage. I’ve always lived by it. It’s actually what got me through my experience. As I always say, everything happens for a reason even if you don’t know it at the time, but when the time comes for you to know why things happen the way they did, that is when you will understand and everything will make sense again.
Thank you for writing this. All the best to you dear! Things can only get better from here.
I loved your writting, you have given me a new hope and helped me build my confidence again. Thanks for that!
Pls share me with these type of inspiring quotes as i have been going thru a very difficult phase! I know everything happens for a reason! but i ask myself WHY ONLY ME! You love some one so dearly for so many years and one day he just wakes up and tells you its over! I just cant accept this ! Pls help!
Oh God, your writings just struck me so deeply and made me think I can still get out of this mess I created for myself after the guy I used to think was going to be with me forever, left without clearing the air.
I still love him so very much but after reading you, I will start working things out differently.
i came upon your website after reading your birthday article on 24hrs. having read this, i can only hope to achieve what you have. i never thought someone could phase me so deeply where i almost forget who i was before i met him. i’ll hopefully reach the mindset you’ve managed to write on that very article that brought me here. thank you amy.
I’ve noticed that all the comments left here are by girls. But what I need to let everyone know is that when this happens to a guy, it is even harder to deal with and accept.
The reason being is that society accepts a girl crying and feels bad for her. However, when a guy is seen crying, it is deemed as not being masculine or not something a ‘guy’ shoud do. The other reason is supportive friends. We all have friends, yet again, it is considered weak to consistently open up and share these feelings of hurt and suffering to your male friends than to female friends.
The point of this comment is for any guy that has been crushed, betrayed, torn apart on the inside, and has to cope with such a traumatic experience on their own. It is literally the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with, as I am experiencing the same emotions that Amy wrote in this article. I still have that copy of the 24 and read it to remember that eventually, I will move on. Thanks very much Amy for sharing this, as it provides some comfort when coping with such an empty emotional experience.
I really love your writing. My 2-year relationship ended back in April, and I read this in June when I was still in the process of healing, and it was very comforting to know that things, eventually, get better. It definitely changed how I carried myself after all of the devastation. Now it is August and I feel like I’ve fully moved on and I am a stronger woman.
I stumbled on your blog. Your words are just perfect. I’m glad it gets better coz i would not wish anybody to feel this pain. I’m hoping to reach the process of healing and working my way towards my own happiness. Your words were very comforting to people like me experiencing the same pain.
Guys get this too.
8 months ago, after 2 years in a serious relationship, first since my separation. We had just gotten back from a cruise, which was her idea to go on, less then 2 weeks after we get back I get the “Its not you its me”,”I’m confused”, “I need a break”, “I just need some time” followed by several days of “I miss you” being texted to me, then all of a sudden “I don’t love you any more” and “I can’t be with someone I don’t see a future with”. Where a few months earlier we were talking marriage etc..
A month later I find out she is dating an old high school friend she had gotten in contact with again a couple months before she broke up with me… the “I’m confused” made a lot more sense all of a sudden. It took me many months to heal, I went through a period of time where I was rushing into dating, I understand now that was because the “rush” of dating hid the pain I was still feeling.
I still occasionally wake up in the middle of the night after having a dream of her breaking my heart again. But it gets better each day. I can hear her name, or see a posting on Facebook about her now with out the stabbing pain in my heart, so it does get better.