One of the most difficult things I struggled with when I was cheated on, was understanding the why. We had just come back from a romantic holiday throughout Europe and a friend’s wedding in Napa Valley. Our relationship was filled with happiness so I thought, and it appeared that we reached a new level of closeness and connection.
Perhaps I was blind. Perhaps he wanted to sabotage what we had. Perhaps it was the alcohol. I will never truly understand why. I’ve learned that what happened had nothing to do with me – and everything to do with him. But while he is 99% to blame for what happened, there is also the other 1% – the other woman.
In this particular case, the girl was a previous coworker of mine. When I found out, I felt anger towards her. But, through time that rage has turned into empathy. I’m pretty sure that healthy women who have a strong sense of self worth typically don’t share their body with men who don’t respect them. I don’t know her story or what happened to her in her past for her choose to do that. I can’t imagine it’s from a place of love and confidence though.
With infidelity, it is always about the person who is in the committed relationship. But the other person is by no means just an innocent bystander of the situation. It takes one person to decide that cheating is worth the thrill of the moment and the other person to decide to get involved with a taken man/woman.
Were we born monogamous creatures? No. However, we (many in society) have chosen to commit to monogamy. And the gift of being a human being is that we have the ability to make choices to give in to our animal instincts or not. The aftermath of cheating is an ugly one, and usually, never worth it.
Here is the letter I wrote to her after I found out what happened…
Dear XX,
I have now heard the entire story of what happened that evening with you and X, and I’m not only beyond hurt, but disappointed. No, not because we have a close friendship, but because I believe there is a moral code between all women, one that we were born with. As much as we may try to silence it, make excuses to ignore it, or take substances to numb it – it’s still there.
My relationship has now come to an end. My family hurts. X has hit rock bottom. His family hurts. There have been so many tears and pain from not only us, but the people in our lives that love us. I want you to know, that your actions have had ripple effects, and has caused a lot of pain to good people.
I’m not blaming you – what happened would have occurred one day sooner or later in some form or another. But you do have a responsibility as a dignified human being. I am writing this to you not because I hate you, but because I hope, that in the future, if the moment presents itself where there is a taken man, no matter how happy or unhappy he is, how sober or intoxicated he is, you remember the power you have to be a part of destroying someones life, or not.
I know you are a good person, and never had intentions of causing harm. But your decisions define you. I hope, for the sake of other women and their families, that you make a better one next time.
Amy
Photo credit: Stacy Bauer
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Friends With Benefits Enough?
Amy, my relationship with my husband contains sexual infidelity. It began when he was 9 years old and his mother bedded him for the year his father was overseas in the military. He has never been “mine”. Nor has he ever been anyone else’s but his mother’s…. He realized it was incest only in later life and he had been split in two and fighting for our family his whole life from young manhood. I have been in 12 step including AA for some time now. He is now in AA with me. His mother is in nursing home with dementia. My husband was a brilliant little boy, only child very talented, very outgoing personality and was dominated by her until he got away by joining the military after college. We married and spent the rest of our lives not visiting but only very rarely and dreading her very rare visits to us. We enjoyed yearly visits with his father. The children and I enjoyed him and felt his love for us. He never stopped struggling to get her out of his mind. THis included other women. He came home every night. Go figure. I have given up vanity and appreciated his livelong death and life struggle. You can read about such things in “Victims no longer” by Mike Lew. God Be with us all.
You wish you are correct. You’re not in most cases. I’ve been dating a married man for years….6. No, I’m not insecure. No, I’m not any of the things you ascribe to the other woman. I’m a career woman, in her 60’s, he’s 12 years younger. I know what I want and I go after it. I don’t really care. If I wanted him, he’d be mine and leave. I don’t want a man around all the time at this time. His wife has no idea. She’s 12 years younger than I and looks like a granny. She weaves baskets. I’m cute and hot, fun, sexy, and don’t look my age nor do I dress it. There is no code amongst women. Are you delirious? He flirted with me when I was his student and in my 40’s. We kept in touch and began dating after many years of knowing each other. I make no excuses, he’s with me, he wants to be, and I didn’t rope him and drag him in. So there, no f–ks given!
In fact, through all of this, we have risen stronger and more in love than we could have ever imagined. I will not thank you for that. I only tell you this to show you what actual love is. It’s standing through the storm. It’s putting the needs of others before your own ego and arrogance. It’s facing the ugly truths of the situation and saying I will love you through this and put my pride aside for the sake of our love and our family. It’s about battling the absolute darkest of times with humility and grace, not fear and anger. It’s about what is true and right, not what you want or think you need.