How To Attract Anyone

The secret to attraction isn't about your looks, it's about mastering this one thing...

Written by Amy C · 2 min read >
woman gazing

When two singles spot each other across the room and feel an immediate attraction, who do you think makes the first move – the man or the woman? Many of you will probably guess that it’s the man that makes the first move, but studies show that this isn’t necessarily true. A recent study conducted at Bucknell University revealed that males rarely approach women without significant eye play first. In fact, women had to make an average of thirteen short and direct glances before a man dared to approach.

“Women have to make an average of 13 short and direct glances before a man will dared approach.”

But before the man approaches, he will subconsciously engage in “space maximization movements” where he will use his body to make himself appear bigger and more dominant. For example, he may stretch his arms across the backs of the chairs, spread his legs while seated, or put his thumbs around his belt loops. These are open body movements that convey social power, potency and persuasive personalities, whereas closed body positions such as folded arms or rounded shoulders convey a lower position in the pecking order. The study showed that men made an average of nineteen space maximization gestures (all while sneaking glances at the target female to gauge interest) before he approached.

“Closed body positions like folded arms or rounded shoulders convey a lower position in the pecking order.”

For women who want to be more attractive and increase the amount of interested suitors, it’s important to master the eye gaze. Psychologist Monica Moore states that no successful romantic encounter happens without the eyes meeting first, and she identified three main forms of gaze in the courtship dance. First, there is the room-encompassing glance, a five to ten second scan of the room (during which a woman raises the chin, arches her back and sticks out her chest). Second, there is the short darting glance which is targeted at a specific man and repeated several times. The third type is the gaze fixate, a direct gaze that lasts longer than three seconds. Smiling while initiating the gaze fixate is extremely powerful in garnering interest. Once eye contact is made, the dance begins. The woman’s head and neck become the focal point, and she will subconsciously draw attention to this area by flipping her hair or using her fingers to trail along her neck. When interested, she will also subconsciously laugh and nod a lot and adjust her body to face the object of her desire.

So – is it the prettiest woman who gets the most attention in a room? The answer is no. Approachability is more important than pure looks when it comes to encouraging guys to make a move. A study examining the effects of body language and attraction was conducted on a group of women who all had a similar level of physical attractiveness. The women who displayed more  than thirty five signals an hour were approached by an average of four men, whereas those with less flirtatious body language were not approached whatsoever. Single ladies, take note. Regardless of your looks, if your body language is closed and intimidating and your vibe is unfriendly and cold, no one will dare approach you.

“Approachability is more important than looks when it comes to encouraging a guy to make a move.”

Being attractive is a learned skill. By being conscious of your body language and the signals you give off, you can tweak your eye contact and movements so that you appear more approachable and inviting.  The more you practice, the more it becomes natural and a part of your way of being. One trick to improve this is to practice your eye contact skills. Next time you walk down the street, try to look at people you walk past and hold their gaze. It’s extremely uncomfortable at first, and you’ll notice that most people will look away. But the more you do it, the better you become at making eye contact and when it comes to the real  deal, you won’t be too shy or nervous to hold someone’s gaze.

Photo credit: Kübra Sağın

Want to get over your breakup?

Get the Breakup Guide workbook. The Renew Breakup Guide will walk you through the entire process of healing from heartbreak, step by step. For only $14, the guide is packed with 60 pages of tools, exercises, and worksheets to help you repair your heart and move forward. Get it now.

Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile

7 Replies to “How To Attract Anyone”

  1. What if you live in a place where women give out no or very few signals even in pre-approved and possibly socially accepted locations (pubs/clubs),have body language that indicates they want to be left alone (arms crossed,engrossed in their phones,having a complaint fest with friends,etc) and yet complain that there are “no men”?

    You ignore them,that’s what they seem to want.
    In popular culture and such,if you approach a woman or say ‘hello” and she is not attracted to you,it is considered cat-calling and a form of sexual harassment.

    Unless of course you are a tall/dark haired/Clooney/Pitt/Reynolds/etc lookalike and/or she sees you in your nice car. Then,you are a considered to be a confident “alpha male”-otherwise,you are a creepy stalker.

    1. I would say keep the initial interaction short and sweet. Say “hello” or “is anyone sitting here?” and see how she responds. If she smiles, sit down, wait a minute or two, then ask her a more personal question, like “are you from around here?” or “can I get you anything?”. Or even a non-personal one, like “it’s hot in here, isn’t it?” If she responds in a curt way, she’s not interested. Or if she politely says “no thanks,” you move on. That’s really pretty much it.

    2. Whilst it’s certainly true some women complain no nice men are talking to them, yet make no effort to talk to guys them themselves.

      Guys who cat call don’t say Hello or Hi for that matter. It’s lines like “Hey Baby girl”, rarely just Hi or Hello. You don’t need to be a genius to work out that’s patronising.

      It’s also certainly untrue women are only interested in George Clooney look-a-likes.

  2. It’s rather a stretch to claim women often/ever make the first move because they know how to move their eyes effectively.

    That sounds so comparable to putting yourself out there.

    I wonder what would happen if men did the same.

  3. I live in an area where it’s difficult to find single women. The single women are very picky. But I’ve been in an environment where women were eager to get men and were not picky at all. That makes all the difference. I tell guys in my area that they are just wasting time. Why work twice as hard to get a woman half as good less than half the time? Find a place where the odds are in your favor.

    Having seen the other side, I’m not surprised women act the way that they do. If a lot of men are chasing you, it’s easy to pass on (“throw back”) a man because more men will come along who might be better. If tons of men approach you, it’s easy to choose none of them and complain that you never meet any of the “good ones”. It’s easy to set sky-high standards.

    I was shocked to be in a situation where I was tempted to pass on a woman because I knew more women would come along. I felt tempted to not choose any of the women because none of them was the “right one”. It was easy to pass on a woman who was young and beautiful, knowing that I had good odds of meeting someone younger and more beautiful in a few days. These women were in the same situation that lots of men are.

    When the situation is reversed, women will be proactive and aggressive and men will be flirty and difficult to engage. And, when the roles were reversed, there was very little that a woman could do to get me off my butt and engage with them. It was a waste of her time. Just like it’s a waste of a guy’s time to approach women when the odds are against him.

  4. What are the best things men can do to make women more interested/attracted and likely to give them these looks?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *