Learning How to Fight

One of the largest hurdles and growing pains a couple will experience is learning how to communicate during times of distress and...

Written by Amy C · 3 min read >
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One of the largest hurdles and growing pains a couple will experience is learning how to communicate during times of distress and anger. Sometimes a fight can get so bad that you are left doubting the relationship and your partner himself.  He accuses you of being overly sensitive; you accuse him of not listening or being attentive to your needs. After a grueling tirade of who’s right or wrong, sooner or later both of you are in a downward spiral where ego has completely taken over, and rationality and sympathy are out the window.

But before you blame your other half for his communication deficiencies or conclude that the relationship is unsalvageable, try to understand that learning how to argue is a work in progress, and can take a few years to find a balance and flow.

Learning how to communicate with your partner and how to argue maturely is something that requires time, effort and commitment. We all go in to a relationship with our own baggage, sensitive trigger points, and methods of negotiation that was learned as a child.

For example, when I was a child, being the youngest and relatively “spoiled” in comparison to my sisters, I learned that if I cried loud enough, whined profusely enough, that eventually, I’d get my way. I learned that if I weren’t satisfied with an outcome, that sulking and pouting would yield results. Little did I know, that my way of getting what I want, communicating those wants and my system of navigating through distress was being formulated at such a young age. After years of acting out that way and getting a certain reaction each time, those behavioral and communication patterns were reinforced time and time again, creating habits that I would default to as an adult.

And as an adult, it’s obvious that being passive aggressive, silent and sulky are not the most effective of tactics, however, I have found it challenging to shake off my old habits of behavior and start new ones. I actually have to stop myself in my tracks and force myself to get out of my “upset child” mode and actually communicate in a mature way. It’s easy to silently pout or take the other extreme and blame your partner as being the cause of your emotions. However, if you’ve resorted to this method (as I have done many times), you find out quickly that the result of the blame accusation game usually results to your partner getting defensive, and ready to fight or take flight. Not a productive way of arguing.

So how do you argue in a way that is conducive to the health and growth of the relationship versus in a way that is detrimental to it? One word. Compassion.

The minute you tell your angry mind and charged up emotions to take a pause and try to be compassionate about how your partner is feeling, you change the direction. Instead of blaming and feeling victimized, tap into your empathetic side. Try to see your partner’s point of view, taking in to consideration his past, his experiences and his trigger points that are very different from yours. Your partner may not be able to calm his anger or frustration, and in that event, you may decide that allowing space for both of you to cool down will have a more positive outcome in the end. Women tend to want to talk about their feelings right away, usually just to vent, as talking increases the feel-good chemical – oxytoxin. Men, on the other hand, are born with a natural instinct to either fight, or take flight when they are challenged or see a threat. You may think that a husband’s argument with his wife may not compare to a caveman being threatened by a wild animal, but the response mechanisms are eerily similar (insert joke here).

Thus, in heated arguments, sometimes it’s best to let the man retract in to his “cave” and once the emotions and anger levels calm down, then the two of you can sit down and have a mature conversation focused on moving forward, and how things can be improved. When that conversation does occur, note that while all you may want is to talk and feel understood, men are fixers that are solutions-driven. If being heard is all you want, then you may want to preface the conversation that you just want him to be all ears and try to understand your point of view.

The art of communication is an evolving one, and while you may think you’ve mastered it, you always are going to have to modify and adapt to the different people you interact with in your life – all who will come with completely different styles and backgrounds. And while sometimes, you can get so frustrated that you contemplate just giving up and walking out the door or some other extreme action, stop and think – “Will this action or these words help the relationship or harm it.?” When you hit a certain point when you think you’re about to blow a fuse, sometimes a little space and time really can save the day.

Photo credit: Kristina Alexanderson

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Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile
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3 Replies to “Learning How to Fight”

  1. Excellent advice Amy. Been married 30 years–and not all of them peaceful! Best advice I ever got: “Offer the kind of love you wish to receive.” As you suggest, it works…

  2. Hi Julie,

    Wow – 30 years. Congratulations to you and your partner. I’m just learning the basics now, and can’t imagine the knowledge I’ll have with each year that passes. You must be a wealth of wisdom on this area!

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