love, You

Always the Mistress Never the Mrs.

Another weekend, another one-night stand. The cute guy you slept with from the bar still hasn’t called. The guys that do contact...

Written by Amy C · 5 min read >
Always the Mistress Never the Mrs. - Heart Hackers Club -  - BDSM

Another weekend, another one-night stand. The cute guy you slept with from the bar still hasn’t called. The guys that do contact you only text, (and only after midnight). You get asked out to meet for a drink but never for dinner. Any of these situations sound familiar?

These scenarios are far too common amongst single females, and unfortunately, a lot of the times we don’t know why we are stuck in the same patterns – attracting men who don’t want to commit.

I’m not saying that commitment and true love is the be-all and end-all for everyone. There are definitely people out there that enjoy casual sex, as well as those who  consider sex a sport, and dating as sheer entertainment. If that works for you then, hey – all the more power to you. But we can’t deny that there are a whole lot of single women out there who don’t have such a casual perspective on intimacy, and they want sex, dating and courtship to result in one thing… love.

But after countless dates, hooking up and still no ring, it is apparent that there is something that these women have in common. Men want to sleep with them, but don’t want to date them. If your dating and sex strategy (or lack of strategy, that is) isn’t working for you, here are a few reasons that may explain it:

You’re easy

You ooze sex, smell like sex and give up sex easily. Opportunistic men will jump at the chance to get a few drinks in you hoping to get you in bed at the end of the night. But you wake up alone.

When men see you as sexual prey first and foremost, they are blinded to all the other great stuff you have to offer. Not your good heart, intelligence,  your charming personality or resemblance to their mother – nope, they see the one thing you’ve presented as your value: sex.

You can protest all you want, but the reality is, there’s a population of men out there that still subscribe to the double standard. I’m not saying that this perspective is right, I’m merely calling attention to the fact that it does exist. In present day society, there are whole lot of men who don’t equate the woman who sleeps around with the woman they’ll introduce to their mother. Why is this? Perhaps they want to feel proud of their “catch”, perhaps it’s a competition thing. Perhaps it’s a primal response to challenges, and that people want what they have to work for. If you put out quickly and easily, men will automatically assume that you’re doing the same thing with a bunch of other dudes – and that isn’t something their egos find attractive. They automatically put you in the “don’t take seriously” pile which explains why they don’t make an effort to date you.

So what can you do? It’s simple. If a committed relationship is what you’re after, then don’t rush into sex. Allow time for the both of you to get to know each other to build trust, connection and respect.  Stop pushing out sex as your main value and you may find that men will start to notice all the other things about you that make you special.

You’re a golddigger

You meet a rich guy and imagine how you life would be without having to work another 9-5 again. You salivate over the nice bags, trips and fine dinners of your future.

While that fantasy may play out in an episode of Housewives of Orange County, it usually doesn’t work out so well in reality. When you date a man in hopes that he’s your lottery ticket out of middle class, you’ll only end up being disappointed. Here’s why.

First, dating a rich guy does not mean there is a transfer of his wealth to you. You get a leased lifestyle. This means you have to return it once he’s bored, or he finds someone newer and prettier. Second, these bachelors aren’t rookies to the game. And you are definitely not the one to break their sugar-daddy cherry. They are not naive to the fact that the reason you’re with them is because of their financial status – and often have no intention of committing to you. The fairytale usually ends like this: the dude finds another flavor of the month, and you end up 15 pounds heavier from the wining and dining with a few new designer bags to tote. He continues playing the field and you end up alone.

You sleep with taken men

Research shows that men rarely leave their wives for the person they’ve cheated with. And even if they do, often the relationship that begins with deception usually ends in deception. In fact, according to Dr. Phil, “relationships born out of affairs survive less than 5 percent of the time.” You can lie to yourself all you want, justify and live in denial believing you really are the special one – but the reality is, he’s not going to end up with you. Plus, you’ll have a ton of karma, guilt (if you have a conscience that is) and shame to deal with at some point. It’s a lose-lose situation. There are over 18,000,000 single men in America alone; surely there is one in that sea of fish that could be a better soul mate? Remember, beginnings set precedent. If he cheats on his partner to be with you, in time, he’ll likely cheat on you to be with someone else.

You have no substance

You gab about clothes, celebrities and other fluff stuff that nobody really cares about (except for your BFF and hairstylist). You think that working in retail or as nightclub bartender is a career path. There is nothing wrong with this scenario – if you’re in your teens/early twenties or using these jobs to support you on your path to building your education/career. But if you’re looking for a quality mate, then you need to have substance. Your passions, ambitions, character, stories… that’s what makes an individual interesting. I’m not saying that you’ll become a single forever if you don’t have a six figure career. I’m saying that being interesting goes far beyond the superficial. Have an opinion. Stand up for something. Be passionate about something. If you don’t show any of your substance, it really doesn’t matter how pretty you are, because eventually, pretty gets familiar, and then it gets old.


You’d think that the points raised in this article are common sense – but why do so many females constantly repeat their dating strategies even when it clearly doesn’t work? Part of it has to do with issues of self-worth and self-esteem. Another part of it has to do with what the mainstream media teaches us. The mass media inundates soceity with images, stories and celebrities where females are sex objects. The message is that what makes a woman desirable and worthy is if she is perfect looking, dressed in couture with airbrushed skin. What they don’t tell us is that this positioning of women is really meant to serve the male. We are trained that being pretty and sexual is how you win a man. So what do we do? We use our looks and sex to play the game, hoping to win validation and love in return. This strategy doesn’t result in love, in fact quite the opposite, chipping away at our self-esteem. Then we’re back at square one, repeating the cycle in a quest to find love and validation.

If you want to find true, committed love, the first step is changing your mentality. Respect your body and be respected. That doesn’t mean to not have sex, it means be selective with who you share it with, and don’t lie to yourself by thinking casual sex will turn into love (if that’s what you’re really after). Love yourself, and you will be open to receiving love from others. Find ways that nurture your confidence and empowerment that doesn’t involve using your looks or sex. And when making decisions about who to invest your time in and who to share your body with, ask yourself if it’s taking you closer to finding love (both with another and with yourself) or further away.

*Disclaimer: This is an article aimed at women who want a committed relationship and are not having success with their current dating strategy. If you are looking for casual sex and happy with that, this article is not for you. I’m not saying that all women want committed relationships and love.

Photo credit: Alisha

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Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile
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27 Replies to “Always the Mistress Never the Mrs.”

  1. I couldnt agree more with you on this subject. I am a guy who has been there, had the affair, made promises that were never meant to be kept, left my wife for the mistress, had the mistress cheat on me. turnabout fair play. karma came back and bit me in the ass. There is light at the end of the tunnel, if you take the time to see whats important, and learn.

  2. Bobby – You have a lot of courage to share your story and experience. Thanks for reading and for your comment.

  3. Hey Amy, great site! I couldn’t agree more with loving yourself first. If only there was a more simple or easy place to meet more women with substance. Then again, if it was easy we wouldnt be here talking about it :p

  4. Sorry, other than the part about taking care of yourself, I could not help but be insulted by this article. I am nearing my 30s, do not sleep on the first date, definitely do not go after married men and have a good career of my own and neither do I lack substance. In my experience, I find that guys get intimidated, mostly because I have a graduate degree and a high degree of self awareness. I find this the case for a few of my friends who have fabulous careers, and varied interests that they really love to do but have not found anyone. And no, we do not act desperate either, things are what they are and it is more sensible to focus on what I can control and do rather than chase rich married men and sleep on them on the first date. Sorry, I could not disagree with you more and think you just demonized females.

  5. Hi Sarah, thank you for reading and for your comment. I agree with your points. I am single myself and the reason I am is definitely not any of the reasons stated in this article. This piece speaks to a subset of women who want to be in serious relationships, but make decisions that result in men not taking them seriously. This article does not speak to the women who choose to be single because they prefer it, that they just haven’t found the right match, etc.

    Do you not agree that there are women out there that do fall into the categories stated above?

  6. Hi Amy,

    In that case, yes, I absolutely agree with you, I just read this more as a more general article but with regards to speaking about a subset, there are women who do tend to make unfortunate choices and forever remain the ‘mistress’. I do not demonize them either, but feel a little sorry for them, because I think it’s fear of being alone and lack of confidence in one-self that drives them to it. Maybe in an alternate article you can perhaps talk a little more of what such women (or in fact any) can DO to help improve their self-worth. Most, if not all women, do have unique qualities, even if they make horrible choices in men, which they need to tap into and nurture…I think an article like that, that just points out that women no matter what the situation, do have strengths they can draw on to increase their self confidence. Just a thought.

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