love, You

Always the Mistress Never the Mrs.

Another weekend, another one-night stand. The cute guy you slept with from the bar still hasn’t called. The guys that do contact...

Written by Amy C · 5 min read >
Always the Mistress Never the Mrs. - Heart Hackers Club -  - BDSM

Another weekend, another one-night stand. The cute guy you slept with from the bar still hasn’t called. The guys that do contact you only text, (and only after midnight). You get asked out to meet for a drink but never for dinner. Any of these situations sound familiar?

These scenarios are far too common amongst single females, and unfortunately, a lot of the times we don’t know why we are stuck in the same patterns – attracting men who don’t want to commit.

I’m not saying that commitment and true love is the be-all and end-all for everyone. There are definitely people out there that enjoy casual sex, as well as those who  consider sex a sport, and dating as sheer entertainment. If that works for you then, hey – all the more power to you. But we can’t deny that there are a whole lot of single women out there who don’t have such a casual perspective on intimacy, and they want sex, dating and courtship to result in one thing… love.

But after countless dates, hooking up and still no ring, it is apparent that there is something that these women have in common. Men want to sleep with them, but don’t want to date them. If your dating and sex strategy (or lack of strategy, that is) isn’t working for you, here are a few reasons that may explain it:

You’re easy

You ooze sex, smell like sex and give up sex easily. Opportunistic men will jump at the chance to get a few drinks in you hoping to get you in bed at the end of the night. But you wake up alone.

When men see you as sexual prey first and foremost, they are blinded to all the other great stuff you have to offer. Not your good heart, intelligence,  your charming personality or resemblance to their mother – nope, they see the one thing you’ve presented as your value: sex.

You can protest all you want, but the reality is, there’s a population of men out there that still subscribe to the double standard. I’m not saying that this perspective is right, I’m merely calling attention to the fact that it does exist. In present day society, there are whole lot of men who don’t equate the woman who sleeps around with the woman they’ll introduce to their mother. Why is this? Perhaps they want to feel proud of their “catch”, perhaps it’s a competition thing. Perhaps it’s a primal response to challenges, and that people want what they have to work for. If you put out quickly and easily, men will automatically assume that you’re doing the same thing with a bunch of other dudes – and that isn’t something their egos find attractive. They automatically put you in the “don’t take seriously” pile which explains why they don’t make an effort to date you.

So what can you do? It’s simple. If a committed relationship is what you’re after, then don’t rush into sex. Allow time for the both of you to get to know each other to build trust, connection and respect.  Stop pushing out sex as your main value and you may find that men will start to notice all the other things about you that make you special.

You’re a golddigger

You meet a rich guy and imagine how you life would be without having to work another 9-5 again. You salivate over the nice bags, trips and fine dinners of your future.

While that fantasy may play out in an episode of Housewives of Orange County, it usually doesn’t work out so well in reality. When you date a man in hopes that he’s your lottery ticket out of middle class, you’ll only end up being disappointed. Here’s why.

First, dating a rich guy does not mean there is a transfer of his wealth to you. You get a leased lifestyle. This means you have to return it once he’s bored, or he finds someone newer and prettier. Second, these bachelors aren’t rookies to the game. And you are definitely not the one to break their sugar-daddy cherry. They are not naive to the fact that the reason you’re with them is because of their financial status – and often have no intention of committing to you. The fairytale usually ends like this: the dude finds another flavor of the month, and you end up 15 pounds heavier from the wining and dining with a few new designer bags to tote. He continues playing the field and you end up alone.

You sleep with taken men

Research shows that men rarely leave their wives for the person they’ve cheated with. And even if they do, often the relationship that begins with deception usually ends in deception. In fact, according to Dr. Phil, “relationships born out of affairs survive less than 5 percent of the time.” You can lie to yourself all you want, justify and live in denial believing you really are the special one – but the reality is, he’s not going to end up with you. Plus, you’ll have a ton of karma, guilt (if you have a conscience that is) and shame to deal with at some point. It’s a lose-lose situation. There are over 18,000,000 single men in America alone; surely there is one in that sea of fish that could be a better soul mate? Remember, beginnings set precedent. If he cheats on his partner to be with you, in time, he’ll likely cheat on you to be with someone else.

You have no substance

You gab about clothes, celebrities and other fluff stuff that nobody really cares about (except for your BFF and hairstylist). You think that working in retail or as nightclub bartender is a career path. There is nothing wrong with this scenario – if you’re in your teens/early twenties or using these jobs to support you on your path to building your education/career. But if you’re looking for a quality mate, then you need to have substance. Your passions, ambitions, character, stories… that’s what makes an individual interesting. I’m not saying that you’ll become a single forever if you don’t have a six figure career. I’m saying that being interesting goes far beyond the superficial. Have an opinion. Stand up for something. Be passionate about something. If you don’t show any of your substance, it really doesn’t matter how pretty you are, because eventually, pretty gets familiar, and then it gets old.


You’d think that the points raised in this article are common sense – but why do so many females constantly repeat their dating strategies even when it clearly doesn’t work? Part of it has to do with issues of self-worth and self-esteem. Another part of it has to do with what the mainstream media teaches us. The mass media inundates soceity with images, stories and celebrities where females are sex objects. The message is that what makes a woman desirable and worthy is if she is perfect looking, dressed in couture with airbrushed skin. What they don’t tell us is that this positioning of women is really meant to serve the male. We are trained that being pretty and sexual is how you win a man. So what do we do? We use our looks and sex to play the game, hoping to win validation and love in return. This strategy doesn’t result in love, in fact quite the opposite, chipping away at our self-esteem. Then we’re back at square one, repeating the cycle in a quest to find love and validation.

If you want to find true, committed love, the first step is changing your mentality. Respect your body and be respected. That doesn’t mean to not have sex, it means be selective with who you share it with, and don’t lie to yourself by thinking casual sex will turn into love (if that’s what you’re really after). Love yourself, and you will be open to receiving love from others. Find ways that nurture your confidence and empowerment that doesn’t involve using your looks or sex. And when making decisions about who to invest your time in and who to share your body with, ask yourself if it’s taking you closer to finding love (both with another and with yourself) or further away.

*Disclaimer: This is an article aimed at women who want a committed relationship and are not having success with their current dating strategy. If you are looking for casual sex and happy with that, this article is not for you. I’m not saying that all women want committed relationships and love.

Photo credit: Alisha

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Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile
Image of words on torn paper, used on blog about picking the wrong men

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27 Replies to “Always the Mistress Never the Mrs.”

  1. Hi Sarah,

    Definitely agree with you. To be honest, in my early twenties, I have to admit I had the same mindset as what I described in my article. The reason was because I was very insecure, didn’t respect myself, didn’t have self-love and thought that the attention of a man would fulfill me. I learned the hard way that such a strategy only battered my self-esteem even more and more.

    Thanks for reading and for your constructive comments. =)

  2. Hi!
    I read your article and as a women I feel very disrespected by your article.
    In your articles women are always the weak creatures waiting to be loved and rescued.
    Times have changed. Women dont need men to support them anylonger. If they want to be Samanthas why shouldnt they! Men do it all the time. Sleep around party!
    As women we should be tolerant with the fact that men do it….but woman need to stop, think and love themselves????
    In my opinion if you are a single powerful independent woman you have the right to be picky and choose your partner…instead of settling for anyone just bc you need to be loved to be someone.
    Vancouver is full of attractive, fit, smart women who don’t need the desperation you keep bringing up in your articles. Maybe it’s time to take a closer look at why men in Vancouver are the way they are. It start from here.

    1. Hi Soonso,
      I wanted to clarify a few points. First, I do not position women as weak or needing to be rescued. In fact, quite the opposite. I encourage both men and women to take responsibility of their choices and make decisions that serve their life in a positive and healthy way. If you have examples where I position women as weak, please show me.

      Second, I state clearly in my article that if women want to be like “Samantha” and sleep around and have fun, then, in my exact words, “all the more power to them.” This article is not talking about confident, empowered women who love themselves and choose to be free with their sexuality. I specifically note that my points are for those who want a committed, serious relationship and keep making the same dating mistakes that result in men not taking them seriously.

      Third, I agree with you, if you are a strong, independent woman you should definitely be picky and not settle for less.

      Lastly, I do not agree that I make out Vancouver women as desperate. Again, if there has been a statement where I have positioned all Vancouver women as desperate and weak, please highlight that.

      I do thank you for reading and coming back to look at my articles.


  3. I’ve read ur columns in 24 Hrs and I love you Amy! 🙂 I’ve been very blessed in my relationship and I’ve always been a strong girl, full respect, and all. I think Sarah and Soonso are very much the modern independent, highly educated, self-driven women. I am too, but u have to want a relationship in order to be in one. If you think u can do fine and be happy without a man then guess what, no man would want to be with you – everyone wants to be need and desired. Wanting love and needing someone doesn’t make you weak. I think the correct thinking is that now-a-days, women might not need men to support them financially, but we still need spiritual, intellectual and mental support!…. and physical for that matter. The truth is that you can control finding love, but u need to have the right attitude. No men wants to be with a woman who is too arrogant and proud of her accomplishments that she’s too good to be him. Don’t let men control who you are or who you want to be, but let him know that he is wanted and needed. Love is a wonderful thing. Life is too short. Love is worth deflating your ego and swallowing your pride for. <3

  4. Thanks for the wealth information contained in this article. Please keep up this high standard of work for all future posts.

  5. There’s a saying that goes, ” If the shoe fits, wear it.” A few readers seem to be upset with the article. If it doesn’t apply to you, why are you offended? There are definitely women out there like the ones described in the article…and not just in Vancouver. The author is just giving advice based on her experiences.

  6. You are quite correct. I have seen marry mistresses. I have seen their married men drool over them, touch them in public but never marriage. Most of the mistresses are are in their early 20s. Most I think agree to the relationship because their first boyfriend has already a taste of them. Most of them get wise enough (if they feel the men are too stupid) to get pregnant, thereby giving them a room in his house if the mrs. left. Yes men provide their designer bags, shoes and clothes. Trip abroads and weekly shoppong. But never marriage. Their are promises of course of marriage but annulment and divorce is so far away in the story even if the man can afford it. They give them expensive engagement ring, and call them my wifein public but we know there wasn’t any wedding. They wait forever till or if the mrs. dies but she never does. Very rarely any single man married the mistress finding he isn’t the first. Unless the girl is super beautiful or has become richer than him. They even use the man’s surname and fake IDs so people who don’t care will them the real mrs. Most of them are stupid enough they don’t know they have become a mistress.

  7. I met a rich Doctor on-line – I was meant to be a fling. But as we hooked up once a month, we started developing feelings for each other. But then we lived miles away, so he started looking about again but he started to support me with contributions every month and had a vision of us together, but I messed it up by neglecting his emotional and sexual needs (I was a busy single mother). So he found an obedient woman from his Asian culture and she adored him. I lost him. He offered me to continue to be his Mistress, I said no out of my own jealousy of the other new woman. But we eventually (after hurt of ending) decided to become business partners and friends. I was happy cos I knew I met him before the other woman and I think he loved both of us in different ways. She got to marry him, but he never forgot that he loved me before her and the places we went to together. He told me everything (I knew his bank accounts) as so she probably did to. Did I meet her – hell no! But this was an affair come relationship that had a happy ending for a change 🙂

  8. After seeing a few angered readers and theirs comments, I have to admit myself I was initially frustrated, at the begining of this article, at why is it that we women always have to be one to demonstrate we respect our body in order to catch the man who will respect us and regarded as “presentable/respectable”, while it seems men never have to compromise on their sexual freedom and suffer no consequences for “sleeping around”. This double-standard is here to stay for a long while in most society as it is hard wired deep in how men and women and just built biologically different and how this mentality is deeply rooted in our tradition.

    However, I do believe that if all women collectively stand up for ourselves, set our standards high and stop accepting mediocrity, mistreatment and disrespect of women by both men and women, this self-empowerment will be simply… Powerful!
    While we cannot change the fact that men suffer little if any repercussion from sleeping around (quite the contratry, they are regarded as powerful, attractive and “all dude”), women can make the following decision: I am a self-respecting woman, therefore, I deserve a self-respecting man with high standards. That means, the man I value and who deserve my love is a man who respects his body, who doesn’t give it up easy, sleep around, who respect women’s body and is intimate only with a person he truely respect and value. This is the type of man I can bring home to present to my family and friends, not some kind of a “man whore/slut”, to use those common derogatory vocabulary used solely against women (think about it, can you find the equivalent terms for men? “Bitch, whore, slut” are terms that only exist for women, yet men do the same thing and never get to be called such ugly names…)

    I know I will not settle for a man who sleeps around freely even in his bachelor years. If not for self-respect, at least for hygiene: just imagine the amount of STDs he can transmit to you…. YURK!

  9. Nora’s comment made an important point, and clarified why point No. 1 bothered me so much. First of all, because of the double standard: men never get told they will not find a good woman if they are “easy”. Second, a woman is not a fish! Stop defining a good woman as a good “catch” that has to be shown off, as if she were a trophy or a lifeless object! Third, I do not care for any man who judges a woman by how much sex she is having, and whose ego is so fragile that he cannot tolerate that a woman has had many other sexual partners.

  10. You forgot Very Successful…. It can be a turn off for some men who can be intimidated or awkward about it. However, I found the ones that had a problem with it were never right anyways 😉 Nice Blog.

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