The rules of dating change dramatically when you go from young lust to wanting to settle down with a lifetime partner. The mindset is different, the tactics and strategy are different and resultantly, the outcome is different. If you’re looking for a one-night stand, this post does not apply to you. However, if you are a man looking for a quality gal and seem to be repelling women with your current dating strategy, then you may find my observations useful.
1. You are cheap
If you ask a woman out, pay for dinner. No, not just yours, the entire dinner. Is this unjust? Is this a contradiction to feminism? Mmm. No, I don’t think so. It’s about being a proper gentleman and treating a lady just like you would do for your mother. This does not mean you have to pay every single time. But on the first date, if you want there to be a second one, then yes, yes you do.
2. You are passive
This is a common message I get, “We should do coffee sometime.” What this says is, “I don’t have the balls to ask you out directly because I’m scared of rejection, so I’ll dangle and see if you’ll bite.” I do not know if it’s because men have too many options in Vancouver so they don’t have to make an effort to take a risk, or if a large majority of single men are just passive wusses. Whatever the reason, passive doesn’t usually get too far. Instead of, “We should..” try, “Hey, would you like to go for coffee on Thursday after work?”. Remember though, passive is one thing. Being overly aggressive creepy is another. Both are bad.
3. You are a player
Vancouver is a small city. If you have slept with half the city and hit on an entire circle of friends, chances are, before she gets to see your shining personality, she will think you’re a dog. Your reputation matters. If you create a reputation for being a low-standard, will-get-in-bed-with-anyone-type-of-guy, expect that good, quality women will run away from you like you’re the antichrist. You want a good woman? Start cleaning up your act.
4. You try too hard
Just be you. It sounds so simple, but it’s true. Anyone with half a brain can sense when someone is trying too hard to impress with things that don’t matter. A good woman doesn’t care about your car, your watch or how you are friends with someone famous. Stop acting and start being you (unless you’re naturally an asshole, then read point #5). The amateur tactics may work to get a girl into bed, but if you are looking for a quality partner, faking it is just not sustainable.
5. You’re an asshole
Treat a woman like how you’d like a man to treat your younger sister. Respect her. Call her back. Show up when you say you will. Be considerate. Don’t be bbming the whole time throughout dinner. Even if you don’t like the woman, have enough respect for another human being to be honest and not string her along.
6. You’re a cheater
Studies show that people who cheat and enter another relationship generally tend to repeat the pattern of cheating. No woman wants to be cheated on and any good woman I know has values that won’t sign up for the drama of being with a taken man. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, have the human decency to end yours before fishing for another. Are there women out there who love the challenge of a taken man? Of course there are. But those are not the ones you want, are they?
7. You look like this:
You are not in a gang. You are not a rockstar. Refrain from making facial expressions and hand gestures like the classy gent above. Enough said.
5 Reasons Why You’re Repelling Men
I agree with all the points, apart from the one about letting the guy pay for you. I think I’d like it if someone offered to pay for me, but when it comes to paying, I’d like to pay for myself. I think at this stage when you’re dating (and it’s your first date), two people should just pay for themselves or for each other (if that makes them feel better), or it should be an alternate thing (the guy pays on one date, the girl pays on another date). I’m a girl and I’d feel very weird if a guy paid for me – I’d think it’s sweeter if he really insisted to pay or if I paid for him and he paid for me. There are other ways to make someone feel special, but paying for the girl – I think that’s unfair to a guy. That’s not even feminist at all. Any guy can do that without even feeling anything greater than attraction for a girl.
Yeah of course once they’re in a steady relationship, they might feel comfortable with the fact that their partner wants to pay for them, but when they’re starting off? I think the guy showing off that he can pay for a girl is not the most important thing. If they like each other’s company regardless of who pays, that’s important.
Oh I actually feel it’s the opposite! Once in a relationship I think it’s ridiculous for the guy to pay every single time a couple goes out, but at the beginning, it’s a small investment to ask for him to demonstrate that he’s really willing to go the extra mile for you. I’m a big fan of offering to pay for myself, and I have no problem if a guy agrees to that, but then if he insists, I let him pay for me and am flattered. Is it a dealbreaker? No, but it is a nice gesture.
Don’t you think it’s a little absurd to ask someone to pay for your first dinner because “you want him him to go the extra mile”. It’s the first date, not the wedding.
Completely agree, Audrey. Have been in this situation many a time and always offered to pay. Only once or twice the lady was so insistent that I let her go halves but most of the time, they let me pay.
I don’t understand why paying for a date is such a big deal. I don’t mind paying, but why do you feel flattered if I do? I don’t understand why you consider it “the extra mile” when it seems to be the defector norm for many other.
Just let the guy pay. He wants to. You make it awkward when you make a fuss over who pays. Just say thank you and let him pay.
Hey Kevin, my thought has always been that of whomever does the asking out, should pay. It was their doing the asking and should have an activity planned already
yeah im still in number 2 that mentioned above, and I relized that just showing myself is the best way to deal with any relationship
thanks a lot
Guys are scared of rejection and you know why it happens? Because you ask women out in a passive way. Number 2 is very common, lot of insecure man out there… Be certain and direct, thats what women like. Confidence is sexy.
Tip for us dudes: If the woman has a problem with you saying “We should get coffee sometime” run. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. If she’s that bothered by semantics, it’s not going to get any better . Rejection sucks, sure, but so does some raging ego maniac who thinks you’re insecure because you may not have had a firm date, restaurant, and what you planned to wear picked out when you gauged her interest. It is the dumbest thing in the world, to me, to turn down a date with someone you may be interested in because you didnt like their phrasing. Don’t internalize this craziness to be your problem. Just pick better.
Amen.
Well said TJ
IM TIRED OF BEING REJECTED FOR NOT HOLDIN MY MOUTH RIGHT.CALL ME A PASSIVE WUSS BUT DONT COUNT ON IT.
I read an article by an entrepreneur who wrote, “At a business dinner, you should always pay because everybody will remember who paid. It’s good advertising and it builds your business network so it’s money well spent.” Wise words that I’ve adopted and been happier for.
If you have had a minimum level of financial success, a few dinners a month won’t put you in the poor house. It’s not even going to change your financial situation because it’s just noise. I know, you say, “Why should I pay?” You should pay because you can. If you have the means (which most of us do even though some of us try to wiggle out of it), you owe it to dates AND poor friends AND business associates AND yourself. You will have better relationships with people because you aren’t wasting time quibbling over the insignificant cost of a meal.
When the check comes or at the counter, pull out your money without comment, hand it to the server and continue your conversation as if nothing had happened. If the woman brings the topic up, say, “It’s not a problem.” If the woman insists on paying her own way, nod and say, “Whatever you prefer.” If she pays for you, say a brief “thank you” and move on.
You’ll never save enough money by going “halfsies” with dates or friends to make up for the wariness and bad advertising caused by your attitude. If you want to save money, stay at home.
Well written comment. Thank you Dan!
You’re cute, are you single 😉
This is the most astute and wise comment I’ve ever seen on this topic. You are 100% correct. I’ve done the same my entire professional career and adult life, and my “personal brand” from a career perspective is much better off for it. Being kind, gentle, and generous are good things to be and great things to be thought of as.
i disagree with points 1 and 2.
i am a male.
it positively infuriates me that a male is “expected” to pay for a date. these are games and roles that immature people play, and pay the price for, later down the road.
i am reasonably well off. it is very likely that she will need her money, more than i do. so i prefer to pay for most everything that happens in the relationship. but not because she has a vagina, but because her income is less. if she was making big bucks, she would be paying for her half. and early on, i make sure she knows that she is not obligated to me in any way, nor am i attempting to make her feel that way.
with regards to #2, i would run as fast as i could from any woman who truly felt this way.
first, i would know that she was way too immature for my liking, cuz she is still into playing games.
my advice is just the opposite. if you want a quality woman, always be passive. this is a good way to show the woman that you think enough of her not to apply pressure on her to give you an answer. it is also a good way to show the woman that you consider her to have at least some intelligence. she knows that you might be interested. now without any obligation or awkwardness on her part, you have not taken away any control from her. she can respond to you in any way that she chooses. if she likes you, she responds accordingly. if not, she also responds accordingly, usually with just something polite that is not leading to anything.
Oh yes, number 1, I tend to leave that as an open, I had started dating an E.A. some 5 years ago. Grabbed the check. And oh my like I said all women are whores, ffs. The look she gave me, as I smiled and handed the waitress my card. The waitress even had to second look this casually well dresses, adorably feisty woman scowling at me. Humorously she asked, ” separate bills?” as she smiled into my eyes, there was no response. The next time she had a fit, I let her have her way.
Number two, lol passive aggressive is a common tool over used by a lot of people, I think reality tv has to be the blame airing fictitious doctors and weasels. If my subtle invitation sets them off, so be it. Hopefully they find their just Dom!
First and Foremost…..you need a date!!
The rest of the List is eazy-peazy!!
Hell, even “SEXUAL TENSION” is eazy while being a down-to-earth guy……..it’s Creating, Attracting and Manifesting a date that is the CHALLENGE!!
Women are a difficult species to attract, even tho they crave the SEXUAL TENSION over PASSIVE ASS KISSING, they LOVE playing MIND GAMES!!!!
……….and THEY wonder why their NOT married or being cheated on, over and over again!! or even beaten up, over and over again!!
Everyone needs to meet each other AT LEAST half-way….or be forever single or with Lefty Lucy or Righty Rachael, lol!!
YOU ladies got yo’ buzzin wand, bullet or SYBIAN, all day long!!
If you don’t offer to pay for your own meal… Then you yourself are cheap.