This time last year, I was in Paris with the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I remember praying, saying thank you to the universe, for the relationship and love I had in my life. I trusted my partner and loved him with every ounce of my heart and soul. He was “the one”, so I thought.
That is, until a week after our trip, a boys night out turned into him making a series of poor and destructive decisions that would ultimately break everything we had into pieces – including my heart. He cheated on me with a previous coworker of mine, and upon coming home at 4AM, lied to me and blamed me for being paranoid. What happened in the next 48 hours after was a blur of lies, and a painful slow discovery that the person I admired and adored, was not the person I thought I knew.
I have purposely not written about what happened in my breakup because I felt I needed some time to heal and process the situation before publishing, and because I didn’t want my story to come from a place of spite or revenge. Also, it has taken me a lot of courage to share this very personal experience with you, because I felt a lot of shame in what happened. As much as I can say I’m a confident and strong woman, you can bet that I doubted my own self-worth, and asked myself what was so wrong with me for the man who supposedly loved me to throw it all away for an hour with someone who “meant nothing” to him? I was embarrassed, hurt and my self-esteem was damaged.
Pain
I believe that everyone makes mistakes, and often, it is not the mistakes that defines a person’s character, but what they do afterward. I hoped in my heart, that he would redeem himself. That he would be accountable for his actions, work for my forgiveness and try whatever he could to make things right. I hung on to faith that he would step up to be the man I thought he was. But he didn’t. And maybe that’s the most disappointing part of it all.
At that time, I was living with him, I had lost my job two months prior and had no income. My health deteriorated, I stopped eating, lost over 15 pounds in a matter of weeks. I experienced my first panic attack. Without going into detail, I learned that during that period of depression, my immune system was very weakened, resulting in some serious, potential long-term health issues. I was in such an ultimate low where I was not rational, nor could I see the end to the suffering, and had extremely destructive thoughts. It felt like everything had fallen down at once.
Regardless of the support from friends and family during such a time, I felt terribly alone. To have your trust breached and your heart so wounded feels like there is a dark cloud of misery that follows you everywhere you go. It’s with you no matter how you try to distract yourself. Even in sleep you cannot escape, as pain haunts you in the form of nightmares. You feel trapped – because there is nothing you can say or do to make it go away.
During this time, I reached out to him for help. In his own pain, he did not know how to handle me. So instead of responding with compassion and care, he’d ignore me, and I felt like an inconvenient bother (and plain crazy). I watched the man that I loved, that I shared deep secrets and sacred moments with, in a blink of an eye, treat me like I was nothing. It was as if one day, I was the world to him, and the next moment, I was irrelevant.
Reflecting a Year Later
I’ve worked very hard to pick myself up, turn my pain into inspiration to be stronger, smarter and wiser. But a year later, I still have moments where sadness, confusion and anger creep up on me and I break down in tears. These tears go way beyond my experience of betrayal – they stem down to the little girl inside, whose deepest insecurity is not being good enough. That little girl who never seemed to be able to get love and approval from her father, comes out and wonders if she will ever be worthy of love from a man.
Perhaps he just wasn’t capable of showing me care the way I expected. Perhaps I was such an emotional wreck at the time that he felt any efforts would be futile. Perhaps he had lost all hope, and cutting me off was the only way he knew how to deal with the situation. Perhaps I just lived in denial during our relationship, and lived in a fantasy I created in my own head. I do not want to paint him as a bad person – sure, he is someone who did something “bad” – but I know deep in my heart, his intention was not to hurt me. What happened came from a very unhealthy place of disconnection, and I have to take accountability for the fact that I attracted him into my life in the first place. After all, you attract people of a similar health level.
Trying to Understand
I do not know what he felt, what he thought or how he handled his pain and shame. I was one of the few people he let in his life, and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him either. I’m sure there are some deep-rooted issues of his own which caused him to make the decisions he did. As much as I am the one who was betrayed, there is a different sort of pain he had to deal with – guilt. I’m not sure what is worse. But it’s likely both are pretty awful to experience.
Feeling betrayed is a dark place that can control your thoughts and behavior. In the process of dealing with the pain, I dehumanized him. I lost compassion and forgot that his actions came from a place of his own darkness. I dismissed that he was trying his best to cope as he knew how. All the great memories, the times we laughed, the special moments, they have become a blur in the bitterness. And that is such a shame, because just because the ending was bad, it doesn’t dilute the incredible moments we once shared – and to look back only to see the bad ending is unfortunate and a disservice to myself.
To this day, I still haven’t figured out if there was one big lesson the universe was trying to teach me. Perhaps it was a series of lessons, from how to choose my future partner, how to recognize red flags, to determining what values I truly stand for. I’ve replayed that day in my head hundreds of times, hoping that maybe if I could understand exactly why everything happened the way it did, that I’d be able to completely move on and feel at peace. But no matter how I analyze it, or how I put the pieces together, it doesn’t make sense. I’ll probably never figure it out, and I hope for the day when I stop caring to.
The ego in me feels frustrated, that twelve months later, I still feel the remnants of that heartbreak. Sometimes it comes in waves so strong that I feel I have made no progress at all. And sometimes I look back and am thankful that all this happened – because I’ve grown so much from the experience. There are ups and downs, and I am proud to say that there are a lot more ups than there are downs now. And slowly, the hope that real, authentic love does exist is starting to return.
Learning from the Experience
It’d be a lie to say that I don’t miss him. I am reminded of him often – from the food I eat, the places I visit, to some of the jokes that only he and I were in on. And behind the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, there is still love and care that remains. That love will eventually fade, just like the memories will, and one day, so will the pain.
When you feel pain and suffering, it’s hard to see the light or how the experience fits in to the bigger picture of things. Hitting such a low was not an easy feat, however, I feel as if it helped me mature. In the last year, I’ve become very clear on my values and have been attracting new opportunities and people that are aligned with those values. I’m healthier both spiritually and physically than I ever have been in my life, and there’s been a lot of positive momentum in my career and self-growth. I’ve given myself permission to be vulnerable and have allowed myself to process the plethora of emotions and old wounds that were triggered from the event. There’s been some deep childhood stuff that surfaced after being suppressed for over two decades, and ripping off the band-aid has forced me to work through them.
I remember some of the darkest moments I faced after I found out he cheated on me. I felt like I was completely broken and I wanted him to fix me. Now, I realize, I wasn’t broken. I was just bruised. And those bruises, through gentle care, eventually heal. I look back and think about that scared little girl, sobbing as if it was the end of the world, I know now, the world was not ending, rather, it just had to hit a low in order for it to get a lot better. And it did.
If You’ve Been Cheated On
If you are reading this and have experienced or are experiencing something similar, I hope that this article gives you some peace of mind, that what you are feeling is normal. The hurt, anger, denial, thirst for revenge – those are all part of the emotional range that comes with betrayal. Have faith that things will get better and the feeling of suffering will eventually ease. However, keep in mind that if you don’t process the experience, and allow the wound to truly heal, you will only endure the same suffering in some shape or form in the future.
I hope you allow yourself to be vulnerable, break down as you need to, and get real honest with yourself so that you can grow from the experience, and in turn, become a healthier person. Because when you yourself are healthy, you will start attracting healthy people and situations in to your life. A wise friend once told me, “like attracts like”.
These struggles in our lives are opportunities for us to heal old wounds and to grow. They are catalysts that have to be triggered in order for you to overcome them. These experiences may not feel good at the time, but they are not good or bad – they are just a part of the human journey. And you have the choice to deal with them in a healthy way or not. I hope you choose the former, because it only gets better from there. I promise.
♥
Whether you are someone who has recently had a breakup or you’ve experienced past heartache that hasn’t fully healed, Renew can help you rewire the heart so you can move forward in a healthy way, making space for new beginnings and new love.
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A World of Strangers Weep for You – RIP Amanda Todd
It’s very comforting to hear that so many others have the same feelings, I guess the language of heartbreak is universal. I found out my boyfriend of eight years was cheating with a coworker for over six months. When I found out it was over but didn’t change the past. He did beg for forgiveness and expressed how he was filled with remorse. Because we have a child together I am trying to work through it but so often find myself questioning if I’m just prolonging the inevitable because now I don’t trust him or know if I ever will again. He has lost my respect and sometimes I even wonder if I respect myself for knowing the details of the affair yet still trying to work through it. One thing I am sure of is that I love my child more than my pride and ego to attempt to raise him without a father so I focus on my long term goals rather than my short term. I hope I’m able to reach a place of health with spiritual and physical peace and that my thirst for revenge will diminish quickly. I have to, for my kid, he thinks I’m so great I can’t let him down. Thank you for sharing your experience. I enjoyed your article.
Dear a I m in the same boat came back because of my kids and didn’t want to raise them without a father. It’s been more than a year but I am not able to overcome the pain he gave me. I don’t ken what to do every time I look into his eyes I see it the betrayal again .what shall I do I just feel like killing myself I can’t even do that I ll rally go mad . What to do ..moreover I can’t live without him I ll surely die if I stay away,
Hello,
I read your comment on my website about the pain you are going through.
I understand how treacherously painful this experience is. It hurts – when you are awake and even when you are asleep. I too, felt like I had broken in a million pieces and had destructive thoughts as well.
I cannot express to you enough – that as much as it feels horrible right now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You WILL feel better and that black cloud will slowly start to fade away and make way for sunshine again. I promise you this.
As much as it may not feel like it now, after you get through this, you will be a changed person for the better. It is these experiences that take us to the depths of lows that build our character, our strength and our tenacity. You will learn new lessons, and realize what values are important to you and the people you surround yourself with.
My advice to you is to seek professional help so that you have an objective person who can listen to you and provide you counseling and support. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please, please see professional help. Try your hardest to keep healthy – even if you don’t feel like it, you must eat nutritious food and get exercise as it will boost your “feel-good” hormones, which is lacking in your brain right now.
Your brain chemicals and hormones are not in it’s normal state – that is why you are feeling so much anxiety, depression, etc. It’s similar to what happens to a drug addict when they are feigning for drugs. Do not think that this is a permanent state.
I hope this helps you. Know that you, and thousands of others have been through what you are, and you are not alone.
With love and care,
Amy
You’re a brave woman and i admire you for that. i wish i can do that too, i have the same experinece but not even close to what you’ve had. i know ill be okay, in time. Thank you for sharing this.
Your experiences and struggles are identical to mine. So much so, that your words struck every nerve in my body. I am recently divorced after my ex-husband cheated emotionally with the woman who was my best friend for 10 years. I tried to save my marriage, and I nearly ruined myself in the process. But your words are so genuine and true. It does get better, and our strength comes from how we choose to respond to these circumstances. Struggle is one of the only guarantees in life, but the beauty is that we can come out on the other side with a smile and a strength all our own. You have to fight everyday, even when the weaknesses and tears threaten to strangle you, because life is precious and meaningful. Through the cracks of a broken heart, light shines through. I have been in the trenches you described. I know how it feels to have dark thoughts and feel things and visit places in your mind that you never imagined even existed. But then you open your eyes some time later and look back at how far you have come. Because nobody can take your strength from you. I have resigned to the fact that I will never understand why they did what they did, and that is eerily freeing. It is freedom to know that every day is one step forward, one less tear, one more inch away from looking backwards. It does get better. Yes, it does.
It’s very true, that’s the emotions and we need to be responsible for them. Actions follow feelings, feelings follow thinking. Be on guard for your thoughts, because its what determines where you will end up, that’s where the battle dwells. Our creator Yeshua made us beautiful and worth more then any emotion may suggest… Come back to the truth of God and understand that He really does love you, He proved it by dying a horrible death on your behalf, and through it vindicated himself from any obstruction of justice by means of meeting the demands of the law. You broke His law, and He paid the fine for you out of His Holy love. The truth is, Jesus really does love you. See for yourself as in a mirror what you are to God and what it cost Him to love you. Visit http://www.needGod.com. no matter what your emotions say today, the truth is much more powerful… Seek the truth, because when you find truth He will set you free… Have faith ye, for He overcame, and you have a future too… Learn more about Jesus love for you. Read john 3:16. Thanks for Sharing and keep your head up. God loved you and is calling out to you from all of your pains. He will help you when you come to Him.
I just want to say that finding your blog has been amazing and this article will definately be bookmarked, so I can read it later. 3 yrs ago, my ex husband cheated on me and eventually dumped me for the girl he is still with now. We have children, so working through the feelings from his cheating was not only important to my mental health but also for the well-being of my kids as they transitioned to being in a broken family. I still feel the betrayal, the anger at times, even 3 yrs later and it’s something I want to get over– I want that peace so I can attract the man I am meant to be with and to be happy with myself. Reading this hit home and I thank you for posting it. You do not know how much I thank you for posting this article.
I’m really glad that I found your blog. I can relate to the feeling of worthlessness after being cheated on – I told my ex, “you could not have found a better way to make me feel like a worthless p.o.s. to you”, and it’s so true. What a dehumanizing thing for anybody to go through. I am impressed by your compassion and kindness towards your ex – if my ex had cut me off, I can’t say that I would be able to have any kind thoughts or understanding for him.
It’s so comforting to hear this from another woman. I just recently broke up and felt that I was fooled and betrayed for 2 years. Up until today I am still in the denial stage, it was a shock to me that everything happened so fast. Even with the comfort and support from my closest friends and families, I always wondered and come back to the question of “Why and am I not good enough for the relationship?” But I know this question isn’t getting me anywhere as I want to be. My best friend always told me that it will take time and it is okay to break down, but I always refuse to be the weak one, until I hear your story. Thank you for sharing your experience, now I understand how important it is just to let go and start new.
I am so happy I found your blog and I can totally relate to everything that you have said. I recently fell in love with a man who I thought was perfect. In the beginning, he was everything I had dreamed of and then he started distancing himself away from me, texting other girls, endlessly talking to other women and meeting up with them. I now know that he never really wanted to have a relationship with me and that pained me because I thought he loved me as much as I loved him. He even used to tell people that he was single yet we were seeing each other. Everyday is still a struggle because I cant stop thinking about him. I had lost all my self esteem. I started thinking that it was probably my fault. Anyway I am moving on, I know that I am worth more and there is someone out there who loves me. Thank you for this blog.
Amy,
Thank you so much for your article – I recently found out my ex husband had been cheating on me for many months, during the time we were still together and attending marriage counselling, believing that our marriage was able to be saved! He ended the marriage not he basis that we were just incompatible – after 5 years of being together, me sticking by him through 2 redundancies, illness and him cheating on me once already. The feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal are so painful, particularly when I still feel such deep love and care for someone that used me and then discarded me the moment things got hard.
Its only been 1 month but I wish time would fast forward when I do not think of him or miss him. Your article gave me hope and realised that others have gone through similar experiences and survived, and that I am in control of how I respond and react to these challenges.
Thank you so much.
Hi everyone,I have just read all of the posts and I am in tears! My life for the past 10 yrs has been,I don’t know how to put it, I guess lonely and loveless. I’m 26 I ve been with my fiance for 10 yrs and we have 2 sons. Our oldest 7 has AS too and my youngest 3 has autism. I feel so lonely in my family, none of them understand me at all and don’t try. I feel like i ve lost myself. I is much harder to deal with my Fiance then my kids of course, because I shouldn’t have to parent him. I don’t want to parent 3 people, I want love. He doesn’t even feel love I don’t think! I’m very sad thinking that I am putting my self in this position, to never put myself 1st or get anything I need or want it life. My family nor his gets it and they say that because he works and takes care of his family with money I should be happy enough. I wish there were groups where iI live but I haven’t found and yet. I’m very happy to find other people out there dealing with this, because living life like this is very lonely. I would love to start talking with some of you,all things happen because great zalilu was very great to me,after he help me getting back my man every thing have be working fine.Please you can contact he for help so you can be happy in your relationship.Email him at;greatzalilu@gmail.com
Thank you for sharing your story.. Me n my boyfriend, were so Close, intimate , i was his world once.. But in between he had his exams n after that started avoiding me like anything, n i found out , a new girl in his life.. Then i stopped calli or texting him, Even Till Today he dint, but the worstest part is that v both r class mates.. Its Almost one month now , still i m strugglin to overcome the pain..