A few years ago, I went through one of the most trying experiences of my life. I went through a breakup that devastated me to my core, and left me feeling broken and shattered. It was as if my entire reality and beautiful, magical world I tried so hard to create came crashing down. Since I had never experienced such a crippling pain, I was very afraid that the depression and negative thoughts would not end. I felt hopeless and helpless. And of course, when you’re in the thick of it, seeing the holistic picture is not where your mind and ego tend to go. But it took experiencing such an extreme low for me to decide that I was going to use the pain to make me stronger, wiser and healthier.
And I did just that. Fast forward to today, I am exercising, feeding my body with healthy, nutritious foods, surrounding myself with like-minded people, thinking positive thoughts and feeling gratitude and love every single day. I did not get here because I am lucky, or because I am built any stronger or more resilient than others going through the same experience. I got here because I made conscious decisions that steered me on the path of healing and forgiveness.
I think we can all relate on this subject because we have all been there. You would think that as you get older and have more relationships, that the heartaches would get easier to handle. But the reality is, the pain doesn’t lessen with each breakup, it’s just different. And while we cannot avoid the pain, we can choose a healthier recovery. The road to healing is very important so that the emotions are dealt with in a positive way and do not come back to haunt you in your future. Here are a few things that I found that helped me:
Eat Healthy
Some people deal with depression by over-eating, some deal with it by not eating. I fall into the latter category. I had no apetite and basically starved my body of the nutrients it needed. When your body is not getting fed properly with the vitamins and nutrients it needs to survive, your mood, energy and hormones are severely impacted. I found that once I started to eat well, not only did my body feel better, but my emotional state and mind felt better too. Our physical health is directly connected to our emotional and spiritual well-being. When one part is out of sorts, the others will be too.
Surround Yourself with People who Love You
Your natural instinct may be to isolate yourself and sulk in private, but this is probably the worst thing you can do. Community increases your feel-good hormones and studies show that talking can have healing effects. A UCLA study reveals that spending time with close friends causes the brain to release natural opioids, which are like the painkillers found in opium. When you lose the familiarity, daily routine and stability of a relationship, it is important that you surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, loved and cared for.
Allow Yourself to Mourn
Studies show that people who go through a breakup can experience cravings for their ex similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from. This can lead to intense distress and physiological as well as psychological discomfort. The pain can be consuming, and this can feel shameful. I take pride in the fact that I am a strong, solutions-oriented person, and not being able to just “get over” the pain was very uncomfortable for me. But I realized that everything I was feeling was normal and a part of being human, and learned to embrace the emotions. The emotions have to go somewhere and not releasing them results in it all just coming back in some toxic shape or form later on down the road. Allow yourself to mourn. Allow yourself to cry. After all, tears is just pain leaving the body.
Be the Right One
Many people use a rebound, a quick tryst or another relationship as a distraction. If that works for you, then all the more power to you. However, I think that this method is similar to the effects of putting on a band-aid. You do not heal anything, you just cover it up. Take the time to mourn, to heal, to deal with the issues that have been brought forward from the relationship. A breakup is a great way for you to reflect on yourself, your habits and what you want in life and in your next partner. If you yourself are not the right one, how can you expect to attract the right one? Work on loving yourself and finding yourself again, and the rest of the pieces will fall in place when it is supposed to.
Forgive
Your world can feel like it has turned upside down when suddenly the star of your dreams turns into the villain of your nightmares. I thought my biggest challenge would be to learn how to forgive the man who hurt me. Through time, therapy, writing, and doing things to nurture myself, I learned to have compassion for my ex. With this compassion, I was able to forgive. But forgiving him was surprisingly not the hardest part. Forgiving myself was. I realized that I was very hard on myself and lacked compassion towards my own self.
A slow, long process of getting myself back to a healthy state finally gave me the clarity I needed.  I saw that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I stopped blaming myself and forgave myself, realizing that my life was going according to plan. Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. When you finally let the blame and anger go, and see that everything is perfect just the way it is, you’ll feel a big weight lift off your shoulders.
Appreciate
Gratitude is one of the most powerful feelings that can transform the way in which you view reality. Even when you feel like you’ve lost someone in your life, if you look around you – you’ll notice how much wealth you have. When your mind keeps repeating negative thoughts, you have to put effort into changing that habit of thinking. Try writing down what you’re grateful for every day and you’ll find that suddenly, you start noticing things to be appreciative of that you’d normally take for granted. There is so much beauty and love that surrounds us, we just have to be open to noticing it. Be grateful for your experiences, the lessons learned and the people that come in and out of your life that help you grow stronger. They’re just preparing you for the person you are meant to be with, and the person you are meant to become.
And, if none of these tips work, try to remember one thing: “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
♥
Whether you are someone who has recently had a breakup or you’ve experienced past heartache that hasn’t fully healed, Renew can help you rewire the heart so you can move forward in a healthy way, making space for new beginnings and new love.
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
Photo credit:Â Carolyn Emily
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I still read these. They really help, hope all is well with you. We’ll catch up sometime I’m sure.
thank you for the wonderful write up…. as someone that’s going through the same thing at the moment it really brought about some insightful thoughts…
as Will puts it…
All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
Your blog post “A Year Later” was so helpful to me when I was going through my breakup. It’s a great piece and so is this. I’m curious though…is this the same break-up you’re referring to? You mention in this piece that you’ve never experienced such a crippling pain before so I would assume it is except the years don’t match up.
I’m curious:) Hope all is well with you.
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for reading. The post “A Year Later” was actually referring to my first boyfriend. And the current post you’re reading refers to my second. I’ve only had two relationships (not counting one in highschool).
I got up after the first breakup. The hard part of that one was that I kept thinking something was wrong with me, and my healing was more about realizing that I am perfectly adequate and deserve to be loved just the way I am.
And to be honest, the second one was 100% harder than the first. I think it’s because I invested a lot more in it and thought I was so sure he was the one I’d marry. But it’s been 7 months now, and I am wiser, stronger and happier now than I was even at my best in my last relationship. I think, “thank GOD” that happened to me, or else I wouldn’t be where I am now. I haven’t met another person yet, but one day, someday, when it’s right, I will. And I will be grateful that I learned all the lessons I had from my previous relationships.
Sending you light and love…
Amy
im a guy and this is exactly what i m doing..earlier i had shrunken so low to almost 60 kg ..and now i have even kept a mission to reach 105 kgs 🙂 and following it and almost reached the mark through persistence 🙂
the wonders exercising do is amazing..
Last year I broke up with my gf of 4 years.
I was pretty upset….. We went to SFU together..and she was the longest and most serious relationship Ive ever been in.
We ended it on vday too!
Well, 2…3..months went by and i was still hurting pretty bad. I tried going out and partying with friends for distraction. I focused on work…i tried working out …i tried hobbies NOTHING HELPED.
Then i started volunteering…and it changed everything. I was 27 year old….working in Finance…downtown kinda guy. People assume i spent my weekend draped over some couch in a leather trimmed lounge with a drink in one hand and a girl in the other. …but dont believe in your own sterotypes.
I volunteered with a program that matches you with kids that have no families. Me and my volunteer buddy would take out 2 or 3 kids (sisters/ brothers) to do things that they normally cant do.
Playland, picnics, rock climbing..etc… It’s a lot more fun than it sounds.
Anyways, getting over my ex ….required me really helping someone else. I realized how stuipd i looked…being upset over a breakup when there are people out there..KIDS..that have no one.
It gave me a reality check type kick in the ass…and i’m so glad i did it.
Its been 1 year and 3 months since i broke up with her..and I feel great. I even emailed her wishing her a happy bday.
Wow Rick, your comment gave me a different perspective. It’s true, we get down and depressed, feeling like the whole world is crashing down when we break up, and we realize, we’re the lucky ones. We get to experience love and lost.
I didn’t handle my breakup really well though. Broke up with my boyfriend of a year 4 months ago. The relationship was just not meant to be. He is still immature and I lost all my patience. Broke up with him after a long 12 hours at work, then cried my eyes out, and then had to wake up for another 12 hours of work the next morning. My boss asked what was wrong and I totally broke down in front of him. I felt so embarrassed because I work in a shipyard around men! I’m the strong lady I don’t cry! But alas, everyone has their weak moments. What Amy said was true. We have to give ourselves time to mourn. But the breakup made me realize that I’ve been neglecting the people who truly matter. My ex disliked my mom and would try to get me away from her. After breaking up with him, my relationship with my mom is a lot stronger.
I really wanted to say is that I broke up recently I read what some people had wrote on here in I was down but I’m keeping my head up in moving forward.thanks
I am here to express that I just went to a very painful breakup, with my girlfriend of 5 years,she is affraid of commitment and called off as soon as I mention commitment,and because we loved each other very much, it was the most painful experience ever for me, I was devastated,lost weight and sleep over,my mind was just thinking and thinking,confused,because i knew she loved me, she even told me that, but she said could not commit ,,about us,I had anxiety and wanted to txt her and caller, but I hold on to not do it, and after 10 days she contacted me just to say hi, I answered back, and a few days later i asked her for a date, now am week later we got back together,but I feel different, looks like something in my already died,i love her but not as much, somehow i have trust issues, and now I am thinking maybe getting back was not a good idea after all…even tho my pain, and anxiety ,and my regular sleep time has come back,I feel I love her less than before.Has this happen to someone else? atte.Confused in Texas
I went through this not too long ago. All I can say is that you have to go with your gut feeling. My heart and my mind were not together but my gut feeling sided with my mind so I pulled the trigger and broke up with her. It was not an easy decision for me as I had so much feeling for her but once trust isn’t there…you can’t really force it.
My boyfriend of a year, broke up with me because we argued too much.. We both still love each other, and both really want to move on and become better people. But I want to get back together with him. And I’d tried talking to him already. But he has said he wouldn’t give me any more chances. The only chance right now is being friends, and he said that whether we had a chance together in the future, he didn’t want in the near future. I have taken him for granted and my eyes have really opened after losing him. Only time will tell, but can anyone give me feedback on how I can maintain being friends with him, and still being able to be there for him? I wanted to do so many things to cheer him up, but as friends, I don’t know whether I can or not. Like, I can’t just show up at his house to make him feel better. We need time apart now. But I don’t know how to cope with this. I want to be a better person and start a new romance with the same person, and not with anyone else. At the same time, I am afraid that what I want, is what he’s afraid of and even if we were to start a new romance, he would always have reminders of the past, and it would affect the future.
3 months 5 days have passed and I still feel I am being burnt to death. I have hurt myselve many times but didn’t attempt suicide. I am over reacting to silly things and thus hurting my mother. I don’t want to….I understand she tells me all these for my own good…I am a final year student so the most crucial phase of my career is about to begin and here I am…so very relentless about myself…I don’t eat properly. I know I can have a good carreer but I don’t feel like studying. I just hate my life. I want him back. perhaps I can do anything to get him back. he could have atleast kept contact…he only had told he still wanted to be friends….ughhh…
what sucks more is that he dint leave me for anothet gal…hw cn a person lose love abruptly??
I was once exactly where you are now – I contemplated harmful thoughts, stopped eating, and it felt like misery followed me everywhere. I felt like I had broken into a million pieces. I know you are in pain and it feels like there is no end in sight, but as someone who has been there and now has gotten out of that phase – trust me, it will get better.
The darkest most uncomfortable times of our life are the opportunities for us to grow the most, start from scratch, close old doors so new ones can open. It’s been almost 2 years since that dark time in my life, and today I look back with so much gratitude. I am living the life I have always wanted, I created the life I want. I now know what I want and don’t want in a partner and realise that I had to go through the darkness with that man in order for me to become who I am today.
I know it hurts. I know it’s uncomfortable. I know you want to get out of this feeling immediately. But there is beauty in it. There is a deep humaness to the sorrow. Work on healing your wounds, eat well even if you don’t feel like it. Exercise because when you change your physiology you change your spirit and emotions.
From one stranger to another, know that you’re not alone. You are stronger than you think. And there will be a day, when you will be back to an equilibrium again and realize you were never broken, just bruised.
Amy