“Sometimes, you have to create a world in your head that is magical, because that’s the only way to cope with chaos.”
There was a lot of dysfunction and chaos in my childhood. I witnessed a lot of dishonesty, betrayal, disrespect, hurt, resentment, guilt, and disappointment. I learned at a young age that survival meant to always look out for yourself and not to depend on anyone (because they’ll just let you down). I never felt loved from my father, and I never felt good enough. You could say I was a girl with “daddy issues.” And that girl would spend her entire adolescence trying to feel loved, approved and accepted by men.
I used the chaos from my childhood as fuel to succeed and over-achieve. My career benefited from it, but I became so used to brushing aside issues to the point that I could no longer feel them.
Now, 30 years later, those long ignored issues have surfaced with great intensity. As I am dealing with the remnants of a traumatic breakup, those deep-rooted issues of distrust, not feeling good enough, yearning for fulfilment from a man – all those insecurities that were born in my upbringing are starting to resurface. In fact, the breakup was really just a band-aid being ripped off, forcing the issues to rise to the top. And now I am left with a choice – to deal with them and rewrite the core of my perspectives and behaviour, or, cover it up with another band-aid.
In my journey of self-discovery, my intention is to not put blame on my parents, but rather, to understand the root of my fears, insecurities and pain points so that I can grow past them. The memories of the events of my past may stay the same, but my internalization of such events don’t have to.
I think the first step of growth is understanding the fundamental root of why we think and act the way we do. Once we see where the birthplace is, we can then have a better understanding of ourselves and become conscious of the driving forces of our behaviour. And once we do that, we can start to change the habits of our thought patterns and actions. We may not be able to change our childhood, our upbringing or our history, but we can change our reaction to it.
I’m embarking on a journey to change my perspectives, so that I can change my life. Here’s to rewriting the script…
Photo credit: Kellene Giloff