Ask Amy: Is He Really Not Emotionally Ready?

Hi Amy! So I had been seeing this guy for about three months, he took me out for my birthday and he came on a lake trip with all of my friends. We never set labels or anything. My best friend thought he should’ve asked me to be his girlfriend at this point and she messaged him asking if I was his girlfriend. He then texted me saying he wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship.

We tried talking about it but kept repeating that he wasn’t ready and didn’t think he could be in a healthy relationship at this point. I told him that I did have feelings for him and that he was actually my very first kiss and that I was hurt because it seemed so out of the blue. We didn’t talk for a few days and we used to talk everyday. Last night I found him on tinder with obviously recent pictures. Was he actually not emotionally ready or was that just a way out?

– Confused

Hi Confused,

Thanks for reaching out. We can psychoanalyze him and what might or might not have been on his mind all we want, but that wouldn’t help this situation. The situation is this: this person who you were hanging out with, saw it as a casual thing. He has communicated with both his words, and now actions that he doesn’t want to invest in being in a relationship with you.

You have communicated that you do want a relationship with him. Instead of turning towards you, he turned away. The actions are telling you – he does not want to be in a relationship with you. It doesn’t matter if he’s on Tinder, or if he meets someone tomorrow and decides to be in a relationship with them – this person is not your person.

I know this is hard to hear, because it sounds like you really liked him, and that he was your first kiss. Try to focus on how this was an experience, learn what you can from it, and then direct your focus to other things that light you up. I’d spend some time with nurturing your heart and soul, doing things that feed your spirit and make you feel a state of love before you go back on to the dating app.

If there’s one thing I’d tell my younger self – listen to people when they tell you and show you what they want. Don’t hope it will change or wait around thinking they’ll have an AHA moment and change their mind. You set yourself up for suffering, to be on the side that chases and it deteriorates your self esteem when this is done on repeat.

Choose people who are equally invested in choosing you. If they don’t choose you, no hard feelings, this doesn’t mean you’re not awesome or worthy, it just means they’re not your person.

With love,

Amy