Dealing with Anger After a Breakup

In my reaction to dehumanize the object of my anger, I have forgotten compassion. Compassion for him, and compassion for myself.

Amy C Written by Amy C · 1 min read >

It’s been ten months since my breakup, and there are still moments where I feel extremely emotional. Bouts of sorrow and missing have passed, but it feels as if the sadness has morphed into another feeling: anger. I’d like to think that anger is the last stage of mourning, before fully healing. However, I think that the anger reveals something deeper about myself that I have to face.

I am angry that I gave my heart to someone who chose to recklessly break it into pieces. I am angry that things ended so badly and tumultuously, that all the good that once existed between us has turned into memories of betrayal and pain. I am angry that I didn’t set clearer boundaries, made excuses when things didn’t feel right, and that I allowed myself to get so hurt. I am angry that I chose “wrong”.

I have realized that in my resentment, I’ve projected this anger. And in that realization, I understand that it’s not him that I’m really angry at, it is myself. I blame myself. I question how much of the life I had was real versus a story of the person I thought I was with. And in my reaction to dehumanize the object of my anger, I have forgotten compassion. Compassion for him, and compassion for myself.

I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this emotional phase. Being hard on myself has been a habit I’ve adopted since being a young girl, and remembering to be gentle and kind to myself does not come easy. The solutions oriented side of me has exhausted almost every possible activity to try to heal. From reiki, to therapy, I think I’ve tried pretty much everything short of hypnotism and witchcraft.

I usually end my blogs with some positive and hopeful message. But this time, I don’t have one. I’m still trying to figure it out, and sometimes, it feels like an overwhelming mess. I guess all I can do is try to lean in to my emotions when I feel them, and in my reactions of anger and pain, try my hardest to switch my thoughts to ones of compassion. I won’t win every time, and I’ve probably failed at this more than I have succeeded, but hopefully with more practice it will eventually become easier.


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Photo credit: Jack Fussell

Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile

36 Replies to “Dealing with Anger After a Breakup”

  1. Anger is the last thing that’s left in me as well. It’s been 5 months since the end of a 2 year relationship and my life couldn’t be better….but every night I dream of yelling and screaming at him and his family. I wish much illwill on them for all the pain and deception. I am done blaming myself, but this intense anger has clearly yet to be dealt with in my subconscious…

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. I have enjoyed the blog and each of your comments, I am truly hurting right now after a 13 month realtionship to witch we were freinds since we were 14 and Im sick. He broke my heart and now im picking up the pecies..im so angry so full of emotions.If I can just get it together and deal with me I know I can move forward. thanks for all the posts..they hepled!!

  3. OMG…This definitely makes me feel not so alone, I can relate to every person on here 🙁 Iam one month out of a 9 year relationship. The father of my 2 kids has been mentally and physically abusive and untrustworthy and unfaithful at times throughtout this relationship which did cause alot of tension and upset, I did leave him once but he begged to have me back and “as people say you shouldnt just give up when the going gets tough” or so I thought. He left me this time for good for another girl, even though he tells me it wasn’t. Dumped over the phone after 9 years, and wont tell me face to face. And the only reason I ever find out about the other girls he sees is through someone else telling me, not by him ever!! 🙁 Iam going through to the emotional roller coaster of being sad, hurt, angry all at once…I feel stupid and angry at myself, for always forgiving him and believing his sorry’s when he did wrong, and now as soon as he sees something better Iam thrown away in the trash…i guess thats just what happens when u show someone unconditional love and are willing to make it work no matter what the cost it does to yourself. It not only just affects me but also our two girls, which makes me more angry at him 🙁 Im def struggling with coming to terms that it really is over, but i know in the end that it prolly will have been the best thing he has done…I just wish the pain would go away. I really want to focus all my energy on self improvement right now, as Iam over focusing, even obsessing over him and the situation at times!! I want to put it to good use for once 🙂 Heartbreak sucks, and Hurts like hell :(I never wanted a broken family for my children 🙁

  4. I am still struggling 3 weeks post breakup from a 3 year relationship.I am at a loss as to how he could have done this to me after doing everything I could to make him happy and to make our relationship work.I found out he has been cheating on me for 3 months with a much younger girl (im 33).He refuses to talk to me to explain why he had done what he did.All he said was he didnt think our chemistry is the same and that he didnt want to hurt me..Who does that?Im trying my hardest to move on but i still find myself crying from time to time.He broke my heart and shattered the dreams that I had for us for the future.I wish I could just forget everything in an instant.

  5. Wow, I’m surprised I’m the only dude replying that feels the same way that you do, Amy. After 1 and a half years of a happy, monogamous relationship, my ex exploded and got us placed on a no-contact order. Without warning she began sleeping with other men (on my mattress) in under a month; I still don’t know how to deal with it; I at least deserved to have some form of closure…Its been months since, but still struggle to stay positive at times. Some days feel like a blessing, and I have the energy to even uplift those around me, and others I cannot be uplifted myself. As you said, the strongest remaining emotion is Anger…I hope I find a way to be rid of it for good. I hope you do too.

  6. I was in a 5 yrs relationship and was cheated. I am only starting to feel angry. Well, what I am feeling right now is extreme anger. I cannot bear the sight of his name of anyone mentioning him. I have urges to shout right on his face every time. How long will this last? I really want to tear him apart. His family is very close to me and they do really love me, so as I love them. They are my strength now and I have thoughts of having them turn against him. I am having extremely evil thoughts towards him. Opt to revenge. I hope this won’t escalate.

  7. Wow!! I chanced on your website through a post on FB and your notes almost make me feel like your living my life! – or at least talking to me directly! Read the comments from others – like a few have mentioned this is probably the 4th or 5th I have ever commented online – but you exude not just wisdom – you have a fantastic way of expressing it – simple, straight and with the perfect balance and conviction! I have been reading up a lot to quell / control my emotions during a very tough phase of my life right now – I don’t know if it is the buildup of all that I have read but your posts have hit the nail spot on – such a straightforward way of understanding what I am going through! I needed it explained – what I was going through and baby steps of how to walk away – Thank you so much for sharing and for spreading the positivity!

  8. I think that by doing excersice, meditation, yoga, etc that anger would be washed away… or you could strike his tyres, graffiti his car, crash his window, that would work too :B hehe

  9. One day at a time, progress not perfection, you are exactly where you
    are supposed to be. This is what I have to say to my self over and over. I really appreciate your blog, I identify with you on so many levels. Its reassuring to know that there are other people thinking the exact same crazy shit. some days I wish I could just cry without analysing and judging it. grief is a funny thing. Will be reading and following. much love and gratitude, in good health MB

  10. I hear ya on this, and I am also a guy. I got thrown out of my relationship after waiting for her on two semesters abroad. Bullshit. I got placed on “no contact” which is by far, just wrong. I wish our relationship could of been saved and friendship could of taken place afterward – but this is one girl, that I will never, ever, speak to again. No contact? Really? How immature of you. What are we? 12? Thanks for throwing any chance of us being friends out the window. Here I was thinking I was actually dating an intelligent woman.

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