Girls Become Women

Written by Amy C · 2 min read >

From books like “The Game” to other pick-up artist gurus, a barrage of tips are taught to men on how to get a woman. Most of the lessons boil down to playing a game – a combination of well-calculated moves and feigning disinterest.

Unfortunately, these tactics works on a lot of girls. At a very young age, females are constantly told that they are not good enough – not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not <insert blank here> enough…

The media does a grand job of reinforcing this culture and perception of “lack of”, and if you throw some daddy issues into the mix, you end up with girls who have some serious self-worth and identity issues. So it’s not rocket science that if a man shows a little interest, then acts aloof, only to continue with a hot/cold formula, he will get her attention. But that attention is stemmed from a place of insecurity and anxiety – not a place of love and comfort. Those are two very different things.

Also, these tactics work typically on younger girls who are still trying to figure out who they are and what they stand for.  These tactics of deprivation have an expiry date – and become a complete turn off when one has her own life, career and community going on.

When I was in my early twenties, unavailable men were my kryptonite.  These were the guys who cared only about themself, would text here and there, and like me just enough but never fully. The lack of effort and respect poked at my insecurities – and in a way I was addicted to the feeling of deprivation because I was familiar with it.

Today, I’m finding that I’m attracting those types of men a lot less, and if someone I’m interested in behaves that way, I’m repelled instead of attracted. It feels pretty empowering to know that I’m worth way more than a guy who only half asks you out, doesn’t have follow through or calls back only when it’s convenient. I guess that girl ridden with insecurity grew up, or perhaps I just don’t have the headspace to waste anymore.

Once upon a time I thought you only had one soul mate. And when I thought I found that person I invested my everything into him. When it didn’t work out, I’d be devastated, because so much of my identity was wrapped up in the other. But with age and experience I realized you can love many times in your lifetime. And as I became aware of my own value, I realized that there are options out there – that if it doesn’t work out with someone now, it will likely work out with someone else in the future.

I learned to give myself permission to listen to my gut and stop justifying that things were right in my brain when they felt wrong in my heart. I understand that it isn’t the end of the world when things don’t go as planned. And instead of being obsessed with an outcome, I’ve learned to have faith that everything is exactly the way it should be…

I don’t think your age defines your maturity as a woman. Rather, it’s a mix of experience, wisdom and applying what you’ve learned to evolve past old habits and patterns that  don’t serve you. The heartbreaks, the disappointments, the adventures, the peaks and valleys are all a part of the rite of passage of when a girl becomes a woman. A woman who finally realizes her worth, her power, her ability to impact and her freedom to make choices that serve her.

Want to get over your breakup?

Get the Breakup Guide workbook. The Renew Breakup Guide will walk you through the entire process of healing from heartbreak, step by step. For only $14, the guide is packed with 60 pages of tools, exercises, and worksheets to help you repair your heart and move forward. Get it now.

Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile

7 Replies to “Girls Become Women”

  1. Thank you Amy for writing about this. This is a remarkable piece and I believe everyone should read this wonderful blog! I agree with every word and point that you said. I wish you every success in your current and future endeavors. I know you’ll do exceptionally well. I hope you’ll find the guy you’re meant to be with and may he treat you with every respect that you deserve. =)

  2. Thank You, I am experiencing this stage of life. I am 26, and sometimes I did ask myself. Why am I experiencing this at this age. Maybe because, I did exactly what you did. I lived my life, because I wanted to know men. I find your blog also amazing. There are women out there, who isn’t afraid to succeed in life, not thinking they will never be a man ‘right’ enough for them.

  3. Thanks for this wonderful article!! I fully agree that maturity is not necessarily defined by age but by wisdom, experience, and applying what you’ve learned to correct bad habits and evolve into a newer, better version of yourself. I just turned 19 and I really thank you for writing this article as it speaks so much to me, right through my heart and soul and I gleaned a lot of wisdom and advice from this. Just recently I had self-confidence and ‘am I worth it?” issues again with myself because I’ve been making drastic changes with my school, career, and personal life. I felt overwhelmed with all the changes and experiences I’ve been going through one after the other which required me making fast decisions. And I’m so happy to know that I’m not alone in this struggle and it’s never too early or too late to do something for yourself. A lot of people, especially my older colleagues, wonder why I worry so much over a lot of things when I am still too young but I firmly believe that this is who I was meant to be. And I love that idea that all the ups and downs we have to go through are part of a girl’s rite to womanhood. Sending you all of my admiration and respect.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next: A Love Note