From books like “The Game” to other pick-up artist gurus, a barrage of tips are taught to men on how to get a woman. Most of the lessons boil down to playing a game – a combination of well-calculated moves and feigning disinterest.
Unfortunately, these tactics works on a lot of girls. At a very young age, females are constantly told that they are not good enough – not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not <insert blank here> enough…
The media does a grand job of reinforcing this culture and perception of “lack of”, and if you throw some daddy issues into the mix, you end up with girls who have some serious self-worth and identity issues. So it’s not rocket science that if a man shows a little interest, then acts aloof, only to continue with a hot/cold formula, he will get her attention. But that attention is stemmed from a place of insecurity and anxiety – not a place of love and comfort. Those are two very different things.
Also, these tactics work typically on younger girls who are still trying to figure out who they are and what they stand for. These tactics of deprivation have an expiry date – and become a complete turn off when one has her own life, career and community going on.
When I was in my early twenties, unavailable men were my kryptonite. These were the guys who cared only about themself, would text here and there, and like me just enough but never fully. The lack of effort and respect poked at my insecurities – and in a way I was addicted to the feeling of deprivation because I was familiar with it.
Today, I’m finding that I’m attracting those types of men a lot less, and if someone I’m interested in behaves that way, I’m repelled instead of attracted. It feels pretty empowering to know that I’m worth way more than a guy who only half asks you out, doesn’t have follow through or calls back only when it’s convenient. I guess that girl ridden with insecurity grew up, or perhaps I just don’t have the headspace to waste anymore.
Once upon a time I thought you only had one soul mate. And when I thought I found that person I invested my everything into him. When it didn’t work out, I’d be devastated, because so much of my identity was wrapped up in the other. But with age and experience I realized you can love many times in your lifetime. And as I became aware of my own value, I realized that there are options out there – that if it doesn’t work out with someone now, it will likely work out with someone else in the future.
I learned to give myself permission to listen to my gut and stop justifying that things were right in my brain when they felt wrong in my heart. I understand that it isn’t the end of the world when things don’t go as planned. And instead of being obsessed with an outcome, I’ve learned to have faith that everything is exactly the way it should be…
I don’t think your age defines your maturity as a woman. Rather, it’s a mix of experience, wisdom and applying what you’ve learned to evolve past old habits and patterns that don’t serve you. The heartbreaks, the disappointments, the adventures, the peaks and valleys are all a part of the rite of passage of when a girl becomes a woman. A woman who finally realizes her worth, her power, her ability to impact and her freedom to make choices that serve her.