Beginnings, Endings

I Got Rejected… And This is What Happened

Don’t give so much power to a person who was never meant to be in the permanent cast of your life story....

Written by Amy C · 3 min read >
Working it Out Vs Tossing it Out - Heart Hackers Club -  - Broken heart

When it doesn’t work out with someone, it’s common to think, “What’s wrong with me?” You self-diagnose that there must be something you messed up in the dating dance. Perhaps you said the wrong thing, appeared too eager, moved too fast, moved too slow… the list goes on. You think: if only this happened or didn’t happen, then perhaps he’d still like me.

But here’s the thing. You could have said all the right things. You could have had impeccable timing and the best hair day in history – but none of that matters. Because at the end of the day, people connect (or don’t connect) based on an energy exchange.

When someone has genuine interest in you, the little, trivial things don’t matter.  Glaring red flags, incompatibility, and toxic baggage – that’s another story. Those are definitely issues that surface and can make an emotionally healthy person re-evaluate your romantic potential. But the little things – not so much.

Rejection can be tough on the spirit. If we don’t have a healthy sense of self-esteem, we allow the feeling of rejection to disintegrate our own self-worth. It’s as if the lack of romantic interest from someone else somehow reduces your own value.

Since I was a little girl, I faced a lot of rejection and abandonment. I created a story subconsciously that love = abandonment. Thus, I carefully crafted survival mechanisms to reject people, before they had a chance to do it to me. Yep, I’ve mastered the ‘find-something-wrong-so-that-you-do-not-invest-your-heart-and-mitigate-hurt-strategy’ to perfection.  Rejection petrified me. And with such a fear ruling me, I happily stayed in an unattached, single bliss for the last few years.

But a shift occurred. In recent months, I set an intention. I finally feel ready to share my beautiful life with another, and invest in building a partnership with someone. I knew that if I continued my avoidant ways, I would not actualize my intention of creating a meaningful relationship with someone else. So I decided to open my heart, allow myself to be vulnerable and welcome the risk of hurt.

Not long after, I met someone who I liked and was excited about. But while he started off with  romantic interest, he later made it clear that he did not feel the same way. I felt rejected. It hurt. I felt sad. I cried.

And then as I processed the feelings, I realized, “Hey, I got rejected, and I didn’t die!” In fact, within a day, I was smiling and back to my usual jolly, positive self. One of the results of constant self-work and mindfulness is strengthening your tenacity to get back to equilibrium. It’s a skill that comes from practice. I’m not saying that there should be a rush to get out of the uncomfortable feelings, but I do know it gets easier to bounce back through experience.

I realized that all those years of strategic navigating to avoid rejection was silly. Rejection actually isn’t bad at all. It’s a filter. It’s the universe helping you close a door so you can make room for another one to open.

If this were five years ago, I would have taken it personally. If I liked someone and he didn’t like me back, I would store that as a message that something was wrong with me, that I wasn’t good enough, hard-to-get enough, or <insert here> enough. But with a healthy self-esteem and confidence of my value and worth, I know that just because someone doesn’t like me back doesn’t mean I’m any less likeable or lovable. It means that person wasn’t my right fit.  And that’s okay.

Don’t ever give someone the power to determine your worth. Don’t waste your energy repenting. When I interview healthy, happy couples, this is the one commonality I keep hearing. When it’s the right fit, there is an ease and effortless flow to things. You really don’t have to try so hard to make someone like you. It just kind of happens organically.

And if you’ve been disappointed in a relationship or have felt rejected or abandoned, I promise you, one day, it will all make sense why it didn’t work out with that person. Chalk it up to experience and a learning lesson, and you will evolve. But if you become jaded, you ultimately get in your own way of joy and happiness. Don’t let someone who didn’t recognize your awesomeness deter you from loving fully and generously. They don’t deserve that power over you.

Our lives will be filled with different cast members. Some are temporary. Some come in to shake things up. Some are critical to the plot. Some will change the storyline forever.

Don’t give so much power to a person who was never meant to be in the permanent cast of your life story. Go out there, love fully. Love generously. Love with reckless abandon. Because that’s how you create magic. That’s how you create a life worth living, and a story worth telling…

When you love love fully quote

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Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile

18 Replies to “I Got Rejected… And This is What Happened”

  1. I’ve just found your website and can’t stop reading. Everything you say makes so much sense and leaves me with immense clarity. Thank you!

  2. Hi,

    I totally resonate with your story as it is the same as mine : ) So glad I found this as you are speaking my deepest thoughts. I have the same experiences and background and I am now looking for love with the right person too.

    I look forward to his arrival and I have now re-framed my experience of recent rejection through reading this- I feel that, like you, it was time to put my heart out there after years of complacency and abandonment fears from childhood. Of course the universe forces us to confront our fear first to be ok with it and to close the door on that fear, opening our hearts further for the next step on this journey to love : )

    I agree with what you said about how the self-work helps us to get back to an equilibrium with our emotions more quickly. This has been my experience too.

    Love to you xxx

  3. This makes so much sense. Have just gone through a painful rejection. Trying to come to terms with it. Thank you.

  4. I love everything you wrote in this post. You articulated rejection so well and every word speaks to my heart. Thank you Amy! Love, Wei

  5. I love this!!! I’m dealing with being rejected right now, and it absolutely hurts to the core. I feel broken and shattered. You have given me motivation and encouragement to know that I’ll be ok. I have a lot of self work to do and I need to love my self more. I know I can do it, thanks for sharing this!

  6. Hello. I know this article is old but I just came across it. Thank you for the kind words. Yesterday I was rejected, with classic lines such as “it’s not you, it’s me.” “We seem to not agree on some things.” It broke my heart and yes I thought it was my fault. Still I knew inside that he was just not into me and didn’t have the courage to do anything, so he just stopped texting me, asking me out and the last thing was to stop calling me, and it was happening too as the phone calls were shorter. It hurts me more when someone is not honest. But men fear confrontation and do want to manage a big “fuss” about not wanting to be with someone. I feel sorry for him as he is 40 years old, when will men mature? Who knows?

  7. Yesterday i gave the girl i like a letter expressing my feelings, today she handed me over a letter and it was a ” its sweet that you have feelings for me but i can’t return them, I’m sorry”
    that crushed me completely. i came to like this person because she was my nephew homeroom teacher last year. I’m raising him and spend most of the time with him. i came to noticed that i had feelings over the summer because my nephew would often speak to me about her that i don’t know when i fell for her. got her a Christmas bracelet with what she loves that most which are dogs. a charm bracelet. wrote her two letters, one expressing my feelings for her and the other one that would go along the gift .it really sucks but i know it was a long shot because we hardly ever talked. it is what it is but doesn’t take away that it hurts and a lot. i will most likely see her after new year. i will keep my distance completely away. but it will be hard seeing her again. i wish i could turn off feeling anything romantic for someone. i don’t need this.

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