If you’ve been following some of my recent blogs, you will know that in the past recent months, I’ve been thrown a few life challenges. To sum it up, I lost my job, my income, endured an abrupt and painful breakup, and lastly, lost my home. A lot to take at once, and I was in pretty bad condition.
And while I understood that only time would heal, priding myself as a “solution-oriented” person, it was frustrating that time was passing by so slowly. I felt guilty for feeling upset when there are such greater problems out there. While I was crying about my broken heart, I knew there were people in the world surviving broken homes and all other sorts of problems. But knowing that there were bigger issues in the world didn’t make my hurt any less painful. I just felt…. well, to be perfectly honest, a bit ashamed.
I felt ashamed that anything could trigger a dry heaving cryfest. I felt ashamed that my conversations with friends and family were constantly dominated by my drama and healing. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t just figure it out, solve it or move forward. I just couldn’t.
And then someone told me that what I really needed to do was to “just get over it”. And that deepened my shame even more. Because there was no magic button to press for me to just “get over it”.
And then I realized, there is nothing wrong with crying, feeling sad, feeling shot down and needing time to carefully recover and get back up. There is nothing weak or wrong about being vulnerable.
We live in a society where we are rewarded for moving forward, and the quicker, the better. We equate strength with those who can champion through any challenge or hardship with efficiency and speed. While this may work in the corporate world, it doesn’t work with matters of the heart. It doesn’t work with mourning loss, or when dealing with deep, powerful emotions.
In my opinion, I think males are especially socialized this way, and it has damaging spiritual and emotional consequences. They are taught to be strong, to numb pain and emotions, move forward and keep a poker face. Instead of mourning, or really healing what’s going on inside, the emotion is suppressed, ignored or tranquilized. Unfortunately, it does eventually come out sooner or later, in some shape or form. And usually when it does, it comes back more powerful and destructive than in the beginning. It is not weak to tend to your healing, in fact, it is quite the opposite. True courage is not blocking out your emotions, it’s having the strength to deal with them, to handle yourself and others with care even when you’re down. Courage is having the strength to be vulnerable.
I’ve decided to embrace this period in my life and honor myself in the process of grieving. I’ve decided to stop feeling ashamed or disappointed in myself for not being able to “get over it” like I would a scratch on my car. This is a matter of the heart – and when you disconnect yourself from that, you really don’t have much at all do you?
So I challenge you – both men and women. The next time life throws you a curveball (or two), and you feel hurt and pain, allow yourself to feel it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Don’t numb it, don’t take a pill to ease it, and don’t hate yourself for feeling a bit broken. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel, to fall, to take your sweet time to get back up – to be human. And when you are ready, then dust yourself off and get back on your two feet. But only when you are ready.
I fall. I cry. I get back up.
Sometimes, it just takes longer than others. But when I cry, the tears means pain is just leaving my body. I guess I have a lot of pain to get out, but I’ll get there eventually. We always do, don’t we?
Photo credit: Marcus Macleod
Unhappily Ever After
Ever since I stumbled upon an article you wrote in the 24 many months ago, I’ve been most interested in what you had to say. It was real and relatable. I even remember cutting out and tucking away in my purse an article you had written because I found it to be truly inspirational.
You have a way with words, and for what it’s worth, I am constantly inspired with by your articles.
Keep writing and I wish you bliss.
It is so frustrating when people say “oh you just gotta get over it”. of course you do, most people don’t want to stay sad, but it isn’t that easy. I commend you for pointing this out and embracing the difficult time until it is no longer difficult. I’m in a similiar place and sometimes it’s the little things, like making it through to the next day.
I find your words to be comforting as well as inspirational. I too recently got out of a 6 year relationship and it is incredibly hard when people around you are telling you to “just get over it”. Do they think that I like feeling like this?! My emotions are not a tap that I can just easily turn on and off as and when I need to, it does not work like that. I have to work through them in order to heal myself properly.
Each new day brings with it a new slice of hope, hope that I can love again and hope that I will be loved again, but for now I have to keep ploughing through. You will get there too, I have faith in you, you are a strong woman, just get there on your time as only you will only truly be able to tell when are you are ready.
Hi Cheryl,
Thank you for reading and for sharing encouraging words with me. It must be a challenging time for you – adjusting life after it’s been integrated with another for six years doesn’t happen overnight. I’m starting to take on the perspective that everything happens the way its supposed to happen and the relationships of our lives – the ones who come, the ones who go and the ones who stay – they are all part of a bigger picture. What that ultimate picture looks like, I don’t know. But when I think that way, I find myself feeling more positive and optimistic, and most importantly, I feel hope when all my emotions and feelings are telling me otherwise.
Wishing you strength, courage and love on your journey.
Amy
You have such a gift of writing Amy. You’re right, you always have to look ahead to better days and there is nothing wrong with feeling emotional because we are human. As a guy, I do tend to gather up everything in my heart, pretending to be strong and it’ll just eat me up inside. I find it more healthy to talk with a close friend, who can inspire and offer much needed advice and support. I remember this line from a song. It said, “I’d rather feel something than nothing at all.”
Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. I’ll leave you with one more inspiring quote someone said to me.
“Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it.”
Hi Matt,
Thank you so much for reading and for your inspiring quotes. I particularly liked this one: “Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it.”
So very true.
=)
Amy Amy Amy!!!!! I am so glad i read this. I feel when reading your columns on the 24 and on your blog site, I feel like i am in the same boat as you once were. my worst enemy is school in a sense i like it but its a major stressor because when is studying ever “enough”. anyways, I received alot of encouragement and the reassurance that its okay to be down. In the summer when there is no school, i feel like i am a entirely different person. I am smilling and laughing everyday. Even during, Its my friends and family that keep me going. It doesnt take alot for me to get back up but it also doesnt take much to knock me down. Really, the part where you said you feel ashamed really made me blink as if you also wrote what i exactly felt too….I love your writing..Its very raw and very real. I hope you plan to write a book or publish all this in a journal or something. I know I’d buy it! Good luck to you and everything. I shall get back to studying now!
oh dear, i was so caught up typing how inspirational you were,,and seriously you are…i forgot to include this quote that i fell in love with in times of crap,
Our real blessings often appear to us in the shapes of pains, losses and disappointments; but let us have patience, and we soon shall see them in their proper figures.
– Joseph Addison –
Amy,
This piece of your article felt particularly powerful.
“I felt ashamed that anything could trigger a dry heaving cryfest. I felt ashamed that my conversations with friends and family were constantly dominated by my drama and healing. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t just figure it out, solve it or move forward. I just couldn’t.”
There is such beauty in being vulnerable. Without vulnerability, you can not experience happiness. By numbing our negative feelings (or just moving on… as some might think is the best solution to heartbreak), we also numb our positive feelings.
The grieving process is so important in being able to accept the circumstances of our lives, so it was good to see that you let yourself go through it. I’m also so happy to see, by your more recent posts, that you are happy and learned a lot through this process.
Your posts are very inspiring. Thanks for sharing your experiences!
Sara… Thank you for reading and for sharing such a thoughtful comment. =)
Wow, I have been through the same (loss of job, income, relationship, and home) all condensed in the inside of a few months, and I agree it is so trying. We are told that “it will pass” and to move on, but much easier said than done. The ups and downs are so unpredictable. But I’m glad you’re moving on, and I’m glad I can read all of your posts and relate to them. For me, I found the greatest comfort was finally asking others for help & support (normally I’d rather get my teeth drilled than ask someone for emotional support!) That was a great lesson from the pain and also made me realize how much I am blessed with even when I feel like I’ve “lost it all.”
Amy, Thank you for your honesty and integrity to write, and be so honest about your own experiences! I broke up with my bf two years ago, and still feels so fresh some days. He “cheated” on me and slept in the same bed with a girl..saying they didn’t have sex. I am trying to learn that the trust can be re-established. I was living in Paris and just moved back. I have had a job offer and considering moving back, I feel ashamed but think if it can advance me in my life and career why not? Thank you! K