The One-Night-Stand Kind

Somewhere along the way of our socialization in North America, females learned how to use their sexuality to lure men. We put...

Written by Amy C · 1 min read >
The One-Night-Stand Kind - Heart Hackers Club - one night stand - Bedside Table

Somewhere along the way of our socialization in North America, females learned how to use their sexuality to lure men. We put on skimpy outfits, apply loads of makeup and hit the bars strutting our stuff. We act like party girls,  post pictures on Facebook showing how carefree and fun we are. We brag about how much we drink. We want to show the world that we are fun, sexy and confident.

And, like moths to a flame, we attracted the opposite sex. We learned that this was an easy way of drawing in potential suitors. However, after one-night-stands, getting treated with disrespect and not getting called back the next day we conclude to ourselves, that guys, are just pigs. So back to step one we  go, and repeat. We get hurt again; our self-esteem suffering more and more.

“All men are dogs” we chant. But maybe, just maybe, there will be one that will see the real you, who will want to invest in you to be their woman. Not for just a night or booty calls, but to be their girlfriend. Someone who they’d be proud of introducing to their family, friends and colleagues. So maybe, it’s just that you haven’t met the right man yet – it’s a numbers game.

The misconception lies here. It’s not that men are pigs (well, some of them, yes, but not all), it’s that your strategy is all wrong. When you exude sexual energy to lure in a man,  all he sees is fun and sex. He automatically (consciously or subconsciously) puts you in the “don’t take serious pile”. You’re not a challenge because getting sex was so easy, and as nice and kind of a person you may be, they can’t see past the good role-in-the-sack that you were. Secondly, you are likely attracting “sport fishers”. These guys don’t want to commit, they don’t want anything more than uncommitted sex. And no, you cannot change them, if it’s not their time, it’s not their time, and they will keep fishing for the type of women who will put out. Even when you start off thinking you just want to have fun, if you ask yourself truthfully, it is quite likely that deep down you actually just want to be loved. You yearn to feel wanted and special. But you’ve never learned another way of attracting men, so you keep introducing the sexual vixen side first and foremost, and the cycle continues.

If you want to have fun and fool around, this strategy will get you just that. Nothing wrong with that. But, if you want to find a relationship based on love, commitment, and want to be taken seriously, then you must change your strategy. Change the strategy and you’ll get different results.  But ask yourself first, do you want to be the marrying kind or the one-night-stand kind?

Photo credit: Alexa_Jade 

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Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile
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7 Replies to “The One-Night-Stand Kind”

  1. Awesome article and true! Change strategy to get different results. The one night stand kinda strategy is easy and requires now work- hence you yield low substance results that downtown have growth potential.

  2. Excellent article. One night stand strategists= yield low results with no growth potential.
    This strategy is also a very short term plan which correlates to insecurity levels. For the economists out there seeking: One night stand investments = junk bonds.
    Well said A.Fabulous.

  3. I really appreciated your article (read it in 24h).. I see how young girls dress to go “clubbing” and wonder how they expect the guys to treat them if this is how they “choose” to dress. you are 100% right.. the guys see this as a call to a one night stand and they are ready to oblige.. if this is not the type the woman/girl want to attract, then she needs to change the startegy and give out a completely different vibe.. thanks for reminding people of common sense thinking!

  4. Not sure about your advice to go back to the 1950s. Many good marriages begin with having fun together, and while I cannot speak for all guys, if the girl is a ladette, for me it would have been the better. Too often men think the girl is fun to be with, and she turns out to be a prude & chaste harridan. Fun girls are at a premium for many men. Perhaps your sample is skewed by hearing only for those ladies who were not called back, (maybe for reasons unrelated to being fun that night), while those who get into a relationship see no need to tell you about it.

    1. Hi Libertarian,

      Thank you for reading and for your perpective on the article. I agree with you that great relationships often start off with fun. But as a male, how many one-night-stands have ended in a healthy and successful relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are many marriages that started off that way. All the power to them. But the problem is, a lot of females who have self-esteem issues and subscribe to a sense of “faux-confidence”, get themselves into a rut because she actually was hoping for something more than just sex.

  5. A,

    This article totally hits home for me. I totally agree that you get what you attract and if you are out at clubs in akimpy outfits dancing up on your best girl friends then the kind of guys you are likely to attract are not the same guys you would take home to meet mom. That said, we live in a culture where sex sells and the thought of meeting Mr. Right in line at the grocery store seems like such an impossibility. Women think we have to try hard, be prettiers, be fun and sexy, in order to land a man. But, I guess we need to see that your real beauty is within and Mr. Right will be able to see that from across the produce isle if we just give him a chance.

  6. Hi Amy,

    I just discovered your blog. This post was eye-opening for me and said exactly what I needed to hear. I was not searching for commitment when I initially became involved with the guy I am stuck on. However when things started to get awkward I instinctively ran. After months apart, I had made some self improvements and what I expected from a man completely shifted-i now want commitment, honesty, and a best friend. I ran into this guy as a much healthier version of myself and told him what I was looking for had changed. He managed to draw me back in again by confessing that he was miserable without me and wanted to date me because he realized that I was perfect for him. Seems like a fairy-tale ending right? Nope wrong.Things have been a little different than they once were, but he still is not willing to totally commit. I want to get out but I feel completely stuck.

    This post has given me the confidence and restored my strength to demand what I want. I now realize if he is not willing to meet my needs, which is not difficult, I’m out. Thank you so much for this post. It might just have saved me from myself.

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