When To State Your Boundaries

When we are out of integrity with how we behave and how we allow people to treat us, we breach our alignment....

Written by Amy C · 1 min read >
When To State Your Boundaries - Heart Hackers Club -  - Breakup

The topic of boundaries has been something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I’ve looked back at all the times when I didn’t stand my ground, did something out of obligation or allowed someone to treat me in a way that was not respectful of my value and worth. One thing is clear – when I was not upfront and honest about my boundaries, I felt bad, and gave up my power.

When we are out of integrity with how we behave and how we allow people to treat us, we breach our alignment. It is in this space where resentment, anger and even the chipping away of self-esteem occurs.

It’s important to check in with yourself and how you feel. Whether it’s in a friendship, a business relationship, or a romantic one, ask if you are being honest and in integrity with yourself. It’s not necessarily that people are ill-intended, but if you don’t know your worth and state your boundaries, then they will never know, and continue pushing/taking without any idea that they are hurting you.

We can justify and rationalize away anything, and that gut feeling that sometimes is a mere whisper can be easily silenced by fear. The more you ignore that gut feeling, the more you minimize your intuition. We’re often afraid that if we speak our truth, demand respect, or draw a line, that the other person will like us less, reject us, punish us or judge us. But really, the good ones will only gain respect for you, and the bad ones will filter out. Remember, there’s an abundance of amazing humans who will value you, respect you and love you – make room for these people.

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Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile

A personal note

Amy Chan in Life
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5 Replies to “When To State Your Boundaries”

  1. Hi there! For so long, I’ve violated my own boundaries and allowed others to violate them as well. Then, I’d build up all these volatile emotions just like you said. Coming from a background of enmeshment and emotional unavailability, I have had a pattern of clinging to the emotional unavailable. The more emotionally unavailable, the more I would find a way to neurotically attach myself, yearning for more. Recently, I had the opportunity to work on setting boundaries. I wanted to share a piece of writing with someone I know pretty well. He seemed thrilled at the opportunity to read it. Quite some time had passed, and I had not heard anything. The silence triggered some of that addictive pull since it mimicked unavailability. My therapist suggested that I set a boundary. My assignment was to engage with this person and tell him how I felt and what I needed. I was terrified. You didn’t dare do this in my family of origin, but I was willing to experience the discomfort because it’s time for a change. So, game day arrived. I had the opportunity to tell him that I was disappointed because I didn’t get a response of any kind and what I needed was feedback. He responded favorably and said that he should have at least acknowledged receipt of the email. He also said that going forward, I could reach out to him for a follow-up. Basically, he had been busy, which is fine, but I am learning that I am worthy of a response. At the end of the conversation, he said some magical words that were so new to me. “Thank you for holding me accountable.” Ahhhhh, this is how it works. I still have a long way to go in this arena, but I am making progress. What I am realizing is that boundary setting is truly a reflection of how much we value ourselves. And if we don’t value ourselves, I don’t think it is possible for others to value us. Thanks for the article. Loved it!

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