Why do great women pick people who treat them poorly? Who do good women pick the wrong men? Smart, successful, loving individuals – who give 110% to a partner who in return, are only half-vested, part-time, or unavailable.
Can you relate to being in relationships where you’re only fed breadcrumbs? You know, just enough so you never starve, but never enough to get you full.
But even though you know on a logical level the that the person is not right for you, you keep making justifications and excuses over and over again. You stay. You try harder. You’re hooked.
Why does this happen? I’m here to tell you, there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not a broken person needing to get fixed. but Perhaps you’re picking the wrong men. There’s some basic psychology at play, and the more you learn about the inner workings of the mind, the better choices you will make.
The move you invest, the more invested you become
When you don’t get the love and attention you want, it may seem natural to give more. You invest more – only to find yourself more disappointed, depleted and feeling insignificant with each attempt to create/repair the connection. This is what psychologist Dr. Jeremy Nicholson calls the principle of “sunk costs”.
“Doing favors for others and treating them well, leads us to value and love them…They do all of the “doing”. They are the ones waiting on their partner, doing good deeds, buying gifts, etc. As a result, they have a lot of love (sunk costs) for their date or mate. But, their partner has not invested. They have not given a thing. So, they are not at all in love or committed.”
Before you do another thing – whether that be cooking your love interest dinner, buying a gift, bending your schedule to make it easier for them to see you – ask yourself what your true intention is. Are you giving without expectation of receiving anything back in return? Are you keeping score? Or, is there a part of your giving that’s rooted in hopes of earning attention or validation in return? If there isn’t a foundation of love, respect and commitment with the person you’re dating, giving more and doing nice things will not cause them to love you more, it’ll only result in you becoming increasingly attached.
2. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” – The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Perhaps you had an unstable parental figure in your life growing up, or your first relationship was one that left you hurt and feeling rejected. It is possible that you are choosing relationships that repeat the unavailability, wounding or abandonment issues that were familiar in your earliest relationship with your primary caregiver(s). In a sense, you seek comfort in that familiar scenario – even if it is one filled with angst. These are attractions of deprivation, and it’s possible it stems from your childhood.
The problem is, the longer you continue the cycle, the more your sense of self-worth erodes, making it harder and harder to remove yourself from the pleasure-pain pattern of unhealthy relationships.
A few years ago, I started dating a guy who started off by courting me with a rush of intensity. When I finally started to open up to him, he reacted with aloofness and indifference. He was one of those wrong men! It was clear he was emotionally unavailable to me. With the power dynamic switched, my natural reaction was to chase – try harder, initiate more, and stick around in hopes he would turn around.
By through all the self-work I’ve done, I’ve learned to recognize the signs of an unhealthy dynamic. I admit, I was attracted and craving a connection with a man who was unavailable. But what’s different now is my response: I can choose to not engage. I can recognize that I’m worth more and do not need to chase someone who likes me just a little, but not enough. And this, is the decision that starts to break the unhealthy cycle.
Don’t let chemistry cloud your ability to remember your worth. The moment you accept less than your worth, you will get less. The moment you tolerate disrespect and disregard, you set precedent and land the wrong men.
It’s chemical
Dr. Larry Young, the director for Translational Social Neuroscience, notes that experiencing a loss from a partner – such as a separation or death, is akin to an addict craving drugs. A study showed that voles separated from their vole partner showed high levels of a stress chemical, corticosterone, and experienced an overwhelming anxiety due to their partner loss. The voles are driven to go “home” to their partner because only then does the oxytocin (the feel good hormone associated with pair bonding) can help ease the anxiety the separation caused.
Dr. Young states that the vole behavior is similar to humans – they come back not because they are positively motivated to be with their partners, but because they want the misery of separation to stop.
“We have this normal together, whatever that normal is. And the bad feeling forces you to come back.” He points out that both men and women who have been verbally or physically abused often refuse to leave those relationships similarly to how drugs addict cannot leave their relationship with drugs. They are chemically hooked. Then, “They rationalize their choice to stay by focusing on positive traits their partner might possess.” Sound familiar?
I truly believe that when it doesn’t work out with someone in the present (when you pick the wrong men), it is because it is meant to work out with someone else in the future. But you can’t leave it all up to fate. There’s work to be done on your part too. Each relationship that comes in your life is delivering a lesson for you to learn. If you don’t learn that lesson and evolve, you will only face the same issues with each relationship moving forward. If you want to avoid a lifetime of dating the wrong people, you have to be conscious of the old wounds you need to heal and take action to stop destructive habits and patterns.
The healthier you become on the inside, the healthier the people you will attract, and be attracted to.
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
Don’t Ask Why, Ask Why The Fuck Not
There aren’t enough good men. Good women outnumber the good men.
I kind of agree..but disagree…..”Not sure why women always pick the wrong guy”..There are good guys…..you just have to give time and look harder…
I disagree on this comment. The ratio of good men vs good women isn’t determined by gender, but bad behavior. There are plenty of females out there who also treat men terribly. I’ve known many males who date females who demand the world, publicly berate them and expect to be showered by presents.
I think the important lesson is to recognize these signs early on, to ensure a better experience with an equally good person.
Scientists will never understand a black hole nor the reason why women go after D’Bags. Some say that they love the confidence in a man….and yet, makes the good guy go through a mine field before being accepted, assuming the good guy even bothers to stick around.
and when the woman’s life gets screwed by the D’Bag, when it’s too late, they realize that the good ones who were waiting for them, have moved on.
“Perhaps you had an unstable male figure in your life as a child, or your first relationship was one that left you hurt and wounded.”
That hit hard on me, as both scenarios are true. That’s why I decided after my 2nd relationship that I would not engage in a romantic relationship because I keep hurting myself in the process, instead of getting better.
So so true, cant tell you how true step 3 is for.
great read- thanks.
“we attract who we are, not what we want.” A quote that sometimes seems unfair in the midst of the betrayal, and manipulations, and perhaps emotional abuse. But once the fog has settled it is paramount to look at your self and how every thing that triggered anger in you about someone else, might be a a mirror back to you of your ego, coping mechanisms, obstacles etc. “He was stringing me a long!” Was I stringing him a long too, wating till he really wanted me? Is staying in a relationship with someone you know isn’t fully open, or committed or available (in spite of what they say- look at their actions not their words) a more subversive form of manipulation? Definitely there are bad behaviors we do not have to accept, but we have the dignity of choice, and accepting unacceptable behavior in the name of love is not love at all. It isn’t love of self, and therefor is control and manipulation of another….waiting for them to change that is.
Excellent answer. Honest and true. It is as much our problem who we go for as who we get.
From my experience, the men that I have no interest in are always the ones that want a relationship with me. The guys that I have interest in are good at first but then I somehow get trapped in a gray area relationship with them. I have been with this guy for 5 years, but im not attracted to him, I have no feelings for him and sex with him is passionless because he is the only one with feelings in this and this man gives me and my child anything in the world, but Im still not happy even though everyone says hes a good man. Its worse that he is 15 years older and people give me a hard time about it, especially because I look waay younger than my 29 years. I told him several times that I dont love him or want him but he just wont leave me alone, he causes scenes every time I try to break up with him so I been stuck.My ex before him broke my heart TWICE, once the first time we got together, I broke up with him because I got tired of the gray area and then about 6 years later when we tried to be with each other again because I thought he had grown up. he kept on saying he loved me and was in love with me, but again wasnt ready for a relationship, yet he did a lot of things for me a boyfriend would do until I realized we never go out anywhere. He took his female friend to a museum to help her with some school project, but was too embarrassed to be seen in the street with me for the dumbest reason ever, because I dont have the ideal body shape(im a Black girl with a flat butt) so he worried about what people would say. I dont know why but I still have feelings for him. But the guy who really loves me I dont love him back. It makes me so depressed because I feel he need someone who loves him too, not me. But he wont leave
Lilly, email me! I am sad over losing a horrible guy…what is wrong with me? Let’s talk. Hope you get this!
Linpos86@gmail.com
Good Women Produce Good Men!!! Mothers? It Doesn’t Start With Daddy, It Starts With You!! You’re The 1st Person That Little Boy Sees, And Patterns Himself After!!!!
Fantastic piece. A great read and really hit home, so very true and refreshing to see that other people are also feeling the same. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this article. I’ve continually done this in my life and I am committed to changing my unhealthy patterns and finding Mr. Right when the time is right.
Gotta say, most virgin women fail their life with first relationship(which they should look harder for the proper right one), It’s take lots of time, and guys who date the right one, some of them can’t handle the woman they love cuz she isn’t Virgin or been with many men comparing the lover.