Why do great women pick people who treat them poorly? Who do good women pick the wrong men? Smart, successful, loving individuals – who give 110% to a partner who in return, are only half-vested, part-time, or unavailable.
Can you relate to being in relationships where you’re only fed breadcrumbs? You know, just enough so you never starve, but never enough to get you full.
But even though you know on a logical level the that the person is not right for you, you keep making justifications and excuses over and over again. You stay. You try harder. You’re hooked.
Why does this happen? I’m here to tell you, there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not a broken person needing to get fixed. but Perhaps you’re picking the wrong men. There’s some basic psychology at play, and the more you learn about the inner workings of the mind, the better choices you will make.
The move you invest, the more invested you become
When you don’t get the love and attention you want, it may seem natural to give more. You invest more – only to find yourself more disappointed, depleted and feeling insignificant with each attempt to create/repair the connection. This is what psychologist Dr. Jeremy Nicholson calls the principle of “sunk costs”.
“Doing favors for others and treating them well, leads us to value and love them…They do all of the “doing”. They are the ones waiting on their partner, doing good deeds, buying gifts, etc. As a result, they have a lot of love (sunk costs) for their date or mate. But, their partner has not invested. They have not given a thing. So, they are not at all in love or committed.”
Before you do another thing – whether that be cooking your love interest dinner, buying a gift, bending your schedule to make it easier for them to see you – ask yourself what your true intention is. Are you giving without expectation of receiving anything back in return? Are you keeping score? Or, is there a part of your giving that’s rooted in hopes of earning attention or validation in return? If there isn’t a foundation of love, respect and commitment with the person you’re dating, giving more and doing nice things will not cause them to love you more, it’ll only result in you becoming increasingly attached.
2. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” – The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Perhaps you had an unstable parental figure in your life growing up, or your first relationship was one that left you hurt and feeling rejected. It is possible that you are choosing relationships that repeat the unavailability, wounding or abandonment issues that were familiar in your earliest relationship with your primary caregiver(s). In a sense, you seek comfort in that familiar scenario – even if it is one filled with angst. These are attractions of deprivation, and it’s possible it stems from your childhood.
The problem is, the longer you continue the cycle, the more your sense of self-worth erodes, making it harder and harder to remove yourself from the pleasure-pain pattern of unhealthy relationships.
A few years ago, I started dating a guy who started off by courting me with a rush of intensity. When I finally started to open up to him, he reacted with aloofness and indifference. He was one of those wrong men! It was clear he was emotionally unavailable to me. With the power dynamic switched, my natural reaction was to chase – try harder, initiate more, and stick around in hopes he would turn around.
By through all the self-work I’ve done, I’ve learned to recognize the signs of an unhealthy dynamic. I admit, I was attracted and craving a connection with a man who was unavailable. But what’s different now is my response: I can choose to not engage. I can recognize that I’m worth more and do not need to chase someone who likes me just a little, but not enough. And this, is the decision that starts to break the unhealthy cycle.
Don’t let chemistry cloud your ability to remember your worth. The moment you accept less than your worth, you will get less. The moment you tolerate disrespect and disregard, you set precedent and land the wrong men.
It’s chemical
Dr. Larry Young, the director for Translational Social Neuroscience, notes that experiencing a loss from a partner – such as a separation or death, is akin to an addict craving drugs. A study showed that voles separated from their vole partner showed high levels of a stress chemical, corticosterone, and experienced an overwhelming anxiety due to their partner loss. The voles are driven to go “home” to their partner because only then does the oxytocin (the feel good hormone associated with pair bonding) can help ease the anxiety the separation caused.
Dr. Young states that the vole behavior is similar to humans – they come back not because they are positively motivated to be with their partners, but because they want the misery of separation to stop.
“We have this normal together, whatever that normal is. And the bad feeling forces you to come back.” He points out that both men and women who have been verbally or physically abused often refuse to leave those relationships similarly to how drugs addict cannot leave their relationship with drugs. They are chemically hooked. Then, “They rationalize their choice to stay by focusing on positive traits their partner might possess.” Sound familiar?
I truly believe that when it doesn’t work out with someone in the present (when you pick the wrong men), it is because it is meant to work out with someone else in the future. But you can’t leave it all up to fate. There’s work to be done on your part too. Each relationship that comes in your life is delivering a lesson for you to learn. If you don’t learn that lesson and evolve, you will only face the same issues with each relationship moving forward. If you want to avoid a lifetime of dating the wrong people, you have to be conscious of the old wounds you need to heal and take action to stop destructive habits and patterns.
The healthier you become on the inside, the healthier the people you will attract, and be attracted to.
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
Don’t Ask Why, Ask Why The Fuck Not
It’s like gambling. You become addicted to it and become ruined and unhappy therefore you hit rock bottom before realizing the issue on hand.
There is a very good reason that gambling is a deadly sin and Jesus overthrew the money changers.
Single people are so so damaged and jaded by their mid to late 20s it seems these days, I wonder if it’s even worth trying to find something real anymore. I consider myself a rational good guy (I understand the concept of self bias, but I try to be) and I have to say the dating culture out there is so so toxic. I did have lots of trouble getting dates from High School through college until my businesses and career took off in my mid 20s. After I bought my house and began living my current lifestyle, I am finally getting dates. Unfortunately it feels like everyone is so paranoid, distrustful, and disrespectful towards each other that I don’t think it’s even worth looking to get married anymore. I’ll just opt out of the market and adopt kids in a few years, and I’ve never been into no strings attached sex which is all anyone seems to want anymore. Maybe if I had found the right girl 10 years ago before some other guys came through and left her mentally scarred she’d actually still be able to open up and believe there is a good man out there who will treat her right and that she’s worth that. I guess not dating much till recently has kinda sheltered me from all this crap. What a shame.
I agree. I know women don’t open up easily.. I don’t..
Ppl have become cynical..
CJ,
I’m on the same boat. I see myself as that damaged 20 year old that cant trust. Its gonna sound sad but I getting used to the lonelyness. Best of luck.. Wish i had met you when i was in college.
You did. You just didn’t give him a chance.
*tingles*
I get very upset about this whole subject, and I actually think in the past it pushed me towards depression. I met so many aggressive, angry, dismissive women that I just stopped looking.
The nice, decent men get sidelined and the beaters, cheaters and down the streeters get their pick of silly women, who seem to throw themselves at the worst man they can find. Why bother being decent or nice if the only men who women seem attracted to are the bad boys, losers and absolute shits?
Tim … OUCH!!!!! What is wrong with us now a days? Is true live lost? How depressing, im only getting older… Boooooo!
I’ve decided that I cannot compete anymore. I’ve always been the pretty faced girl, smart and talented but I seemed to only attract guys that are just not emotionally available. After a while, my weight and the way I feel about myself manifests itself as mistrust and major insecurity. So why bother dating anyone? I wish I could just have meaningless sex but my heart somehow needs more. I’ve tried dating outside my norm and still..FAIL! Either they show zero affection, do the bare minimal to keep a lukewarm relationship going or they cheat.
I am just exhausted by it all. I’d rather be single.
J, me too
I’ve been loving the same woman since I was a teenager and 20 years and 4 kids later she no longer loves me and will give any piece of shit the chance to touch her body heart and soul before me it’s been a year and this still devastated me to my core while she has moved on time and time again and seems to throw her love and affection for other men not worthy in my face I’m heart broken and after losing my wife and my best friend I don’t know which way to go I try to keep moving forward but honestly I think about ending the pain every day and just leaving this earth she was my wife my everything and my reason for living the only thing that gives me some type of strength is the love I have for my kids I know our marriage wasn’t perfect but after vow renewals 3 years ago and things starting to look up I just don’t get why the love isn’t reciprocated we’ve seen things and places together that we haven’t with anyone else from tropical paradises to the lowest of lows in our youthful days she now talks to me like I’m one of her girlfriends and tells me things that are nightmares come to reality for me why why does she hate me this much and have no consideration when it comes to my feelings how can I move on when she was the center of my universe and souls purpose for existing???
I agree with J above this dating thing is so disheartening. I feel like I put myself out there and my heart gets torn to shreds I just wanna focus on me and believe that if there is a plan for me it will naturally fall into place. I’m getting to the point tho that I really don’t believe this either….
I am one of these women. I am pretty, sexy, smart, and charming. I have never had a problem finding a date yet I choose men that are emotionally unavailable. What I believe women are looking for is passion. It makes us feel alive. When you give a woman what she craves she has the power to be everything a man wants and needs. There is nothing wrong with nice guys but they seem to lack this quality. Unfortunately it’s all the men that are bad for us that excite us. Even the emotionally unavailable ones. We just want to feel something inside us. It’s really very simple. I am so tired of dating. The emotionally unavailable cannot meet my needs, the bad boys can’t meet my needs and the nice guys can’t meet my needs. I just want a partner that can match me what I am able to offer. Are we as women just expecting too much???
Nancy, Single because my ex cheated. He has been able to date several girls now. And me 0. Yup, i want someone that I can have a good Conversation with, travel and dance. I dont think im asking for to much here. Im attractive, fun, silly, and have a great heart. I dont want to have sex just to have it. I want it mean something, and passion..
I can not go too far into detail because a voice is worth more than a message on a computer.
I would love to conversate with you.
All my female cousins are married to drug addicts and have several children with them, is sad to see them like that
Don’t give up people!
I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years right out of high school and even married him. I thought that was love but he was emotionally unavailable which I thought was normal since thats how my parents treated me.
I finally left, and didn’t give up on love. I’ve found a wonderful man who loves me, passionately and for the first time I’ve experienced what love making is and not just having sex.
There are still emotional available men out there. You just have to keep trying and never give up.
Here i am 60 years still nice looking female and have settled to make a life alone its not worth the abuse men have put me through!!!
Every man iv dated or married has been wrong guy, they want to control me as if I’m 6 year old child !! then starts verbal abuse and emotional abuse that doesn’t leave physical scares
BUT!!! IT DOES LEAVE SCARES ON UR INNER CORE !! then i find out they they are fooling around with other women …..
I don’t come across a lost child ! very independent. know my self well but cant pick men who are good for me !!..