Life, Me

Back To Equilibrium

After a massive fight with my father last night, my first reaction was to get on a flight and leave. But in...

Written by Amy C · 1 min read >
Back To Equilibrium - Heart Hackers Club -  - Floral design

After a massive fight with my father last night, my first reaction was to get on a flight and leave. But in the mess of negative emotions that have been triggered, I realize that there’s an opportunity here for me to evolve my communication and way of handling difficult people. Here is what I’ve learned:

Empathy – I am trying to take into account the major cultural differences between myself, a 32 year old Canadian born individual who was raised in a culture where women are taught to be independent, empowered and equal – compared to the background of my traditional Chinese father, who was raised in an environment where women were taught to be obedient, and praised for their beauty more than their brains. On this trip, our different cultures collided to say the least.

Emotion – The first thing I said to my father this morning was that I love him and am not angry, but need some space to decompress from the hurt that I felt from the mean words that were exchanged. Instead of taking off and having him worry about when I would come back, I made it clear that I would come back at a specific time so that we could have a conversation. I now know for future reference, if someone is angry and yelling, absolutely no good will come from trying to reason at that moment. Remove yourself immediately from the environment if possible (mine happened to be the hotel hallway until 3am) and do not engage until you and the person are back to a rational state of mind. This will save your cortisol levels from rising.

Equilibrium – One of the keys of allowing space to respect your emotions without letting them control you, is to find a way to get back to an equilibrium. The tactics will be different for everyone, but whether it’s doing a breathing exercise, calling a close confidant, or going for a walk, find your method(s) of calming yourself. For me, one of the first things I do is call one of my sisters (they get the lovely job of talking me through the ugly girl cry and excessive swearing). Then I call my friends (you know who you are). I will reach out to someone who makes me feel safe, someone who makes me laugh, and lastly, someone who is logical who can provide rational advice. I will then write as a way to process and next, find something beautiful to look at or listen to.

As I write this note at the cafe, I can feel myself getting back to equilibrium. Again, feeling grateful for my support system. Love you my dear friends.

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Written by Amy C
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline along with the front page of The New York Times. Her book, Breakup Bootcamp - The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, published by Harper Collins, will be released Fall 2020. Profile

A personal note

Amy Chan in Life
  ·   1 min read

3 Replies to “Back To Equilibrium”

  1. Amy, there must be some truth in whatever your Dad said, or it wouldn’t upset you so much.

    1. Geoff,

      I’m not sure what triggered you to send 9 comments within a few hours today. For someone who really despises my writing and opinions, I’m not sure why you continue to come back, read all my articles and for the last year, continue to comment and message me. If you dislike me so much, why do you spend so much energy on attacking me?


  2. Hi Amy I just want to say that your website is amazing, I truly appreciate your insight and honesty. I just moved to the US from latin america and it can be pretty hard to understand cultural expectations and rules in this country and everything you write is helping me get out of my comfort zone and believe in myself and my capacities.
    You have a voice that I consider a gift for humanity and specially for young people like me who wants to truly thrive as a human being.

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