I have spent a significant portion of my life focusing a great deal of energy on dating a man, pining over a man, getting over a man, crying over a man or wishing for a man. Blame it on daddy issues, the media or simply a lack of personal identity that resulted in me believing I’d feel significant only when classified as someone’s ‘significant other’.
Currently, I am thirty. I am single. I am content. And I have to say, it feels pretty damn empowering. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure my ovaries are impatiently on stand-by wondering if they’ll ever fulfill their mission of procreation. And don’t think I’m exempt from fantasizing if I’ll ever have my own “you had me at hello” moment. Yes I am still a dreamer. I am still the girl who hopes to create a love so powerful and magnificent that it can change the world.
My faith in love has not changed, however my urgency to find it has. I’m quite satisfied focusing my energy on my own personal growth, my passions, my work and my friends and family. Yet although I am comfortable in my single status, I find that often its others that have an issue with it. I’m sure many of you can relate to the experience of hanging around couples who are constantly strategizing on how to get you out of your “single” condition. Instead of singledom being regarded as a rite of passage, it is perceived as a temporary phase one should be so lucky to get out of.
I’ve heard it all – my clock is ticking and I need to do this and that in order to secure a partner. But what if right now, I’m happy with where I am at? Who is to say that I need to do anything except be open and let life flow organically?
So why is finding love no longer a priority? First, I feel that I’ve reached a place in my life where I’m a lot more comfortable with who I am, and don’t feel the need to have anyone or anything “complete” me. I understand that when a person doesn’t feel whole, the immediate reaction is to try and find someone else to fulfill that emptiness. This usually leads to an unhealthy long-term connection. I don’t need to chase the high of lust, or fill an addiction of feeling wanted by a man. I understand that love comes when you love yourself first and foremost, and I’d rather love “when I’m ready, not when I’m lonely.”
Second, I feel a strong sense of faith. No, not that of the religious kind. But the kind of faith you develop when you’ve been through some really bad stuff only to get back up stronger and wiser. It’s the belief that I am exactly where I should be – in every aspect of my life. It’s the trust in knowing that everything has its time and place – and that the more you try to control things, the more the best parts of life resist you.
It’s believing that the people I’ve loved and lost, the ones that broke my heart and the ones that nourished it, the relationships that came together with ease and the ones that fell apart with neglect – it’s trusting that all of these experiences are a part of the journey to love. A love that must first exist within yourself, and only then can it be truly shared with another.
If you are single and can relate to feeling the pressure of partnering up – both by society and by ourselves, I’ll leave you with this. Trust the process. Know that every heartache is just preparing you for the person you are meant to be with. Have faith that sometimes, things don’t work out with someone in the present because they are meant to work with somebody else in the future.
And remember, that the most important love is the love you have with yourself. Once you’ve mastered that, the rest will come. All the pieces will fall into place exactly the way they are supposed to. The journey of love is not a destination, rather, it’s one that is brewing inside of you every minute of your life. And one day, when it is time, it will connect with another force of love – whether that love be a person, a passion or a calling. Enjoy the journey. =)
Photo credit: Rhonda Dent Photography
The Pursuit of Pretty is an Endless One
Thank you once again Amy!!! This is a place I’m experiencing for the first time in my 50+ years….so I salute you in discovering it at 30!! Took me along time to get comfortable in my skin…thinking I was only half a person if I didn’t have another “half”…I just went on vacation to Vegas…by myself!!!! What an empowering trip that was…came back a little taller..walked thru alot of fears and renewed some lost faith in myself…I thank you for your writings, as I always find some inner truth and such wisdom from them…xo
First off, this was written beautifully! I couldn’t have connected more with a blog post. It’s so true! Being content and happy with yourself is the ultimate challenge. Sure, being with someone out of loneliness is easy, it really working on yourself is the hard part. I’m going through this exact situation.. So good to hear other girls are in the same boat! Thanks so much for writing this. Love & Light:).
You’re right. Love and respect yourself first. That confidence will exude through your laugh, smile, eyes, actions and attitude. People gravitate towards that energy and will in turn respect you first and then love you. A wise woman told me once that in order to be loved, that person needs to respect you first. Before that happens, you need to respect yourself. Know your self-worth and be yourself… always.
Holy jeez, how serendipitous that I came upon this post. I was *just* reflecting on the pressure I feel from others around me to shack up with a guy. I am actually in a wonderful place for the first time in years, because instead of having to worry about how my boyfriend is doing, I’m now single and worrying about my own life. I’m finally achieving goals I set for myself years ago. Yet the feeling that I’m going to “miss the boat”, so to speak, has gradually started creeping up on me. Glad to know I’m not alone.
Good for you Sue for going on a trip alone. I was just there by myself a few months ago too! It was so fun and speaking of goals, I finally learned how to play casino games.
Hello Amy, the post “Love is a Journey” has written beautifully and articulates more on priorities along with loving someone. I would add a few in ” Love is a journey and its perfectly eternal”. When you love someone, you just become an ideal for your partner and hence its always to give, to give and to give for each soul. I am writing here in regards of it’s subject as I have loved someone in way depth and I could not measure the real heights I am on. I have understood my love and enjoyed it as I plunk a star. I came here to tell you my words about relationship and its understanding via an app Tokii, it turned my life and enjoying it to the best. Thanks a lot for your love you shared with this post!! Thanks
Thanks for sharing, I totally agree! Being 28 and healing from a breakup, I definitely feel the pressure. It didn’t help reading the book “Decoding Love”, as they spend practically a whole chapter explaining a woman’s “market value” and how it basically depreciates as your youth does. Bull. I know plenty of cougars. Haha.
IAnyway, it does seem like when people are in relationships, there’s a tendency to put aspects of themselves that they used to love on the backburner.
I think it’s fabulous being single and spending time with one’s self to know, learn about, and love yourself. There are interviews done with older people in their 60’s and 70’s, asking what their greatest regrets in life were, and one of the top ones was regretting not spending more time discovering themselves when they were younger. Just think about that! ๐
Thank you so much Amy, I really needed to hear those words of truth. I’m 21 and haven;t had a real healthy relationship with a guy. Instead of worrying about it, I am now focusing on myself, and it will happen when it’s meant to ๐
Hi Amy, I have been reading your blogs for three months now. This site is ‘bookmarked’ in my ‘Favorites’ ๐ You are so wonderful. I can totally relate to your thoughts, and I do admire you so much. You have no idea how strong your words are that they actually strengthened me more. Thank you.
I am 21, and been single for more than two years now since a devastating break up. Reading this blog entry of yours is very timely because these days, people keep on asking me the why-are-you-single question. I honestly don’t know either and I am sick and tired of the question. I don’t want to end up asking myself too, because that would make me feel insecure, instead of loving what I have. Good thing I have read your blog! This is exactly how I am feeling right now, pressure by my couple friends around me, and the societal norms about having your own significant other.
Like you, I have faith in love too. That it should never be rushed, that it will come naturally… in the most perfect timing. I really really love the way you think Amy =) You are the perfect example of a an empowered woman, a woman who was molded by time and experiences. I always want to think the way you do. Continue empowering women, continue inspiring us! Thank you! ๐
This is a great article and could not be any more on the money. I do wish some of my friends would just accept that I am currently very happy being single and plan to stay that way. If I change my current lifestyle it will only be for someone who adds to my life (that’s how I choose my friends). Bottom line is we do have control over our own happiness so don’t depend on someone else to provide it for you. Learn to connect with your neighbors, family, friends and co-workers. Enjoy the people around you.
Right on! Sometimes it’s hard to explain to your friends why you’d rather be single at the moment. They will keep asking and keep suggesting, thinking I would change my mind ๐
I’m happy with where I am right now, I have things I would want to do while I’m single and I want to settle my student loan first, finish my degree, find a career, and save up for the future + continue growing in my faith ๐