I have spent a significant portion of my life focusing a great deal of energy on dating a man, pining over a man, getting over a man, crying over a man or wishing for a man. Blame it on daddy issues, the media or simply a lack of personal identity that resulted in me believing I’d feel significant only when classified as someone’s ‘significant other’.
Currently, I am thirty. I am single. I am content. And I have to say, it feels pretty damn empowering. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure my ovaries are impatiently on stand-by wondering if they’ll ever fulfill their mission of procreation. And don’t think I’m exempt from fantasizing if I’ll ever have my own “you had me at hello” moment. Yes I am still a dreamer. I am still the girl who hopes to create a love so powerful and magnificent that it can change the world.
My faith in love has not changed, however my urgency to find it has. I’m quite satisfied focusing my energy on my own personal growth, my passions, my work and my friends and family. Yet although I am comfortable in my single status, I find that often its others that have an issue with it. I’m sure many of you can relate to the experience of hanging around couples who are constantly strategizing on how to get you out of your “single” condition. Instead of singledom being regarded as a rite of passage, it is perceived as a temporary phase one should be so lucky to get out of.
I’ve heard it all – my clock is ticking and I need to do this and that in order to secure a partner. But what if right now, I’m happy with where I am at? Who is to say that I need to do anything except be open and let life flow organically?
So why is finding love no longer a priority? First, I feel that I’ve reached a place in my life where I’m a lot more comfortable with who I am, and don’t feel the need to have anyone or anything “complete” me. I understand that when a person doesn’t feel whole, the immediate reaction is to try and find someone else to fulfill that emptiness. This usually leads to an unhealthy long-term connection. I don’t need to chase the high of lust, or fill an addiction of feeling wanted by a man. I understand that love comes when you love yourself first and foremost, and I’d rather love “when I’m ready, not when I’m lonely.”
Second, I feel a strong sense of faith. No, not that of the religious kind. But the kind of faith you develop when you’ve been through some really bad stuff only to get back up stronger and wiser. It’s the belief that I am exactly where I should be – in every aspect of my life. It’s the trust in knowing that everything has its time and place – and that the more you try to control things, the more the best parts of life resist you.
It’s believing that the people I’ve loved and lost, the ones that broke my heart and the ones that nourished it, the relationships that came together with ease and the ones that fell apart with neglect – it’s trusting that all of these experiences are a part of the journey to love. A love that must first exist within yourself, and only then can it be truly shared with another.
If you are single and can relate to feeling the pressure of partnering up – both by society and by ourselves, I’ll leave you with this. Trust the process. Know that every heartache is just preparing you for the person you are meant to be with. Have faith that sometimes, things don’t work out with someone in the present because they are meant to work with somebody else in the future.
And remember, that the most important love is the love you have with yourself. Once you’ve mastered that, the rest will come. All the pieces will fall into place exactly the way they are supposed to. The journey of love is not a destination, rather, it’s one that is brewing inside of you every minute of your life. And one day, when it is time, it will connect with another force of love – whether that love be a person, a passion or a calling. Enjoy the journey. =)
Photo credit: Rhonda Dent Photography
The Pursuit of Pretty is an Endless One
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Thank you so much =)
I love reading your blog so much. A friend of mine posted one on facebook (11 difference of dating a man vs a boy), and now I am reading all of your others.
I totally agree with your idea. It is hard to do, to have faith and to let go of control, and to trust. But thank you for your affirmation and reminder, that it is okay to do so.
I have recently broke up with my ex of 7 years and it is very hard for me to enjoy single life. I try very hard to not be together or even get close to someone, just because I am lonely but I think I wasn’t aware of it. Perhaps it is the habit of having someone around me all the time, is the habit I have to break.
I am so happy that you are content – because that is one of the thing that I really is walking towards atm. inner contentment. It will be a hard and a long journey for me – but after reading your blog, I don’t feel so lonely anymore.
Love,
Inggrid
I’m right there with you. I’m 31, single, and quite content with it.
I’m lucky that my friends seem more jealous of me because I’m single and live by myself. I have freedom that they don’t and they openly say they live vicariously through me. The only person I answer to is myself. No one close to me puts pressure on me to join up with a guy, or hurry the hell up and get married.
The hardest part was accepting that being single wasn’t a death sentence back in my mid 20’s. I was in some serious relationships that I was miserable in, but I didn’t want to get out of for fear of being the dreaded SINGLE. Life got much better after I did get out of those toxic relationships and ignored what society said I should do as a woman in my late 20’s.
One day, I do hope to find a man I love as much as he loves me. Getting married isn’t a requirement, but being happy is. I haven’t given up on that hope either.
That’s so true. Even though I’m guy and not so old to feel the pressure about being single, it feels better after reading your post because I thought I was the only one realizing that “you find love not when you’re single but when it’s the right time”.
your words really touch my heart … I’m happy that another woman from another culture
and background is sharing with me the same mentality in terms of “being a single woman topic ” 🙂 ..
I think i reach the same stage where the I want to find my own identity , my own passion and my own self happiness . I can not deny the need of sharing it with someone else.yet this does not have to be “any” one .
the only fear i have is even though the need of having a partner is not a priorty , our culture our law and our situation as a women here make it impossible to live without a man. as man’s signature is demanded in 90 % of any social legal process starting from buying a car , working or even traveling 🙂 . However , it does not mean i go with the flow . i decide to be optimistic , have faith , work on the potentials i have and the most important to enjoy my present with a big hope of a change in the future .
thank you for the lovely words .
This is such a refreshing article!
I think it is super important to love yourself first before you can love others, it’s kind of like the oxygen mask concept on the plane, ‘help yourself before helping others’ I believe that until you love yourself entirely and completely, it will be much more difficult to give love to someone else and be loved completely. 🙂
Such a great read and this is something I can relate to. I’m turning 30 next year and I’m finally getting comfortable with being just me. I’ve had my fair share of good, bad and outrageously terrible decisions in my life. Instead of going “what the hell was I thinking?”, I’ve realized that I am who I am today because of my experiences and how I’ve grown from them. There was tons of heartache and dark times, some not resulting on growth right away… scratch that, some not resulting taking a big tumble backwards but I eventually found my way through a great support system and listening to my gut.
As for the whole tick-tock-time-ticking-thing, it’s something I hear all so often being a 1st generation Asian American. I’m sure my grandparents are praying everyday to see me in a red cheong sam walking down the aisle… bless their hearts. Love is out there, I’m open to it but not searching for it and in the mean time I’m having a blast focusing on me and the people important in my life.
thanks for all the great articles on here, love your blog!
Lexy
(I collect experiences, cheers!)
This article was an amazing read!! I’m currently 28 years old and have been bombarded with depression about the fact my last long term relationship of 3 years ended horribly with disastrous dating over the last 2 years since my split. I recently had to end things with someone I really liked because he “wasn’t ready” to settle down after 3 months of sampling me for free. Shortly after I found out my ex-boyfriend has moved on with a new girlfriend after I thought he’d surely regret ever leaving me. So now I’m in a place where I feel bitter, alone, rejected, with extremely bruised pride. Forget about getting on facebook! I’m constantly slapped with “he proposed” and “such and such is in a new relationship” on my newsfeed. It seems everyone else in the world is happy in love except for me 🙁
Luckily I came across this article and it reminded me that there’s so much more to life than being in a relationship. And honestly every time I’ve been in a relationship I secretly envied my single friends. It goes back to ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ and also that you never really know what those people on your newsfeed smiling with their new fiance are really going through. This article reminded me that I have a greater purpose on this earth and I need to focus on my own personal growth before I can truly make anyone else happy. I mean men have no problem with being single and embarking on their life journeys, so why should we?! Cheers to a new year and new adventures and being the best human being I can be!
i love n enjoy being single i cant img being somebody wife or a galfrnd all the time blabla……..my frnds finds it arkward,they tel me im deceiving my self n i will regrate in future for the decssions im making.im 27 n av had two bf in my whn i was 20 n 23 each relationshp lasting foronly one year after reading this i felt as me thanx!